interesting day today. lots of good things and bad things. i went out to dinner with my sister. some random place that is obviously wanting to be quite chic. which isn't bad in and of itself. it was nice enough. they make much better rice and beans than i do. *grin* debs and i spent some time together. maybe as much as three hours. more than usual, at any rate.

i talked to my old roommate, cara. i miss her so much. *sad smile* but it'll only be a month until i see everyone again. cara says she got a car. now i think at least half my friends have cars. hmm. i wonder if i'm about to become a mooch.

midnight snack at one thirty consisting of nothing but green beans. does that make me weird? well, i do have something like twelve dollars worth of frozen vegetables to get rid of. *rolls eyes*

finally got to go the payson library myself today. consequently i have verified that they do in fact have Absolutely Nothing of Interest. blergh. i ended up taking out two marion zimmer bradley novels as the only attempt at something i'd be at all interested in. well, i did also buy an l.e. modesitt jr. novel. which i'm going to save for the plane ride home. like i'll be able to read at three am. hmm.

debi dropped by to see rob at work twice while we were out today... i didn't feel like staying in the car for ten minutes and doing nothing, so i stepped onto the overly immaculate, manicured lawn of novell and just decided to lay down. i overheard rob vaguely "... your sister...." *debi replies something* "... doesn't look..." i think i know why i like black clothing. i can lay down full on the ground in a dress and not worry about grass stains. :) debi later told me he was wondering what in the heck i was doing. "doesn't look like she's reading anything..." "she looks like she's just staring at the ground."

i really want to get at least a disposable camera before i leave. i wanted to take a picture of the novell building with the mountains in the background. has the potential to be a beautiful shot, really. and the view from the bus stop when the sky is looking just right... and today debi was lying down on the carpet (freshly vacuumed! yet again!) with legend curled up in front of her, and it was absolutely the most adorable thing....

i think the reason i want pictures so much is that i'm not so much enjoying it here, but i want to look back and think i was retrospectively. *grin* yup, i'm weird.

today i had this intense desire to get out my sketch pad and attempt a self portrait. i still want to actually. but it's a bit late. i ended up having a splendid argument in irc, instead. on american education vs. european education and morphing into other things a bit, too. we ended up in political territory as usual, discussing merits of freedom vs. equality. i like that argument, but i'd really rather not argue over text. it drives me slowly mad. gets quite stilted, really. and if you don't type quickly enough then you lose the argument no matter how poignant your points.

i never used to be so emphatic in arguments... i'm not sure what's changed/changing, but today i was just ranting... i think i ended up contributing three quarters of what was being said for a while. i talk sooo much. and lately it seems like it isn't always logic driven, which tends to want to bother me, but i can't let it.

i still don't know if i'm more a logic based or emotion based person. when i take the keirsey temperament tests or whatnot i end up switching between intp and infp every other time. and generally i'll be split eight to ten or something like that. i sometimes wonder if my logic is just posturing and posing in an attempt to fit in with those i want to be my intellectual peers, but whom i suspect are actually over my head. if these are just assumed characteristics then it's quite possible they won't hack it in any case. but i'm not emotional enough all the same to really say...

hmm. i think i'm too much a jack of all trades. i end up being fairly proficient in everything, but it seems almost to make me not really me in some way. i have such a divided self. and all the things i'm supposedly so good at.... my strongest talents... still subpar. i argue in favour of well roundedness in terms of personality, but now i'm looking at my roundedness in terms of knowledge and talent and thinking it's a waste. hmm. i always contradict myself. well, except not always, because then that would be too consistent for me to pull off. and that argument right there is another contradiction. damn, that's almost my best strength. :)

i just want to get out and meet more people. i feel like seeing others and knowing who they are will help me understand humanity in general and perhaps myself specifically. or as i've speculated before, it's quite possibly the other way around: having others know me and understand me will help me understand as well. as it is i just keep thinking these same thoughts and staring in the mirror both literally and metaphorically each day and wondering what i should be seeing.

i wonder if my theories on empathy extend to intelligence... i always seem to experience what it seems others are feeling along with them, as if i'm sharing their emotions... i sometimes think that being around more intelligent people can make me sound more intelligent. as if i'm sharing their brain. oh, heh, well it isn't as though anyone ever said i did that. :)

half the time i think it's a matter of rising to what is expected of me, but i think half the time if i'm completely in over my head i just give up out of despair. if you're twice as smart as i am (no, you can't bloody quantify this way, but i'm not going to fardle around attempting to find a real handle on how it works) then i may be able to actually make up for myself somehow and come off as actually witty, but if you're four times as intelligent as i am then i end up writhing on the floor, disabled and ashamed.

and yet i have this morbid fascination with those whom i feel i can never measure up to. in all areas of specialty. i can never match anyone in their field, but i persist in attempting to understand. i almost wonder if it's just foolishness and egotism. which is an odd thought, since i'd claim that i'm the last one to really have egotism kicking around back there in the brain.

i place way too much importance on intelligence. i was taught to respect knowledge and cleverness as king. i had the silent example of my father. the insane competition even from second grade amongst all my peers in school. my sister's whole value system used to revolve around it. now she's grown away from it to some extent, it seems, and i feel vaguely betrayed. i don't even want to leave this ideal in some sense. and yet i really should if i want to be a healthier person. i need to accept that i can be foolish and that i'm just not as mentally strong as i used to believe.

it was so much easier when i was younger. i think because i must have developed mentally at a very early age. when we had the very beginning of our gifted program in school start in third grade i was one of only three to make it in that year, first chance. only girl, actually, which made things Not Much Fun. i'm so average now, but i used to look so good because i got to this point so quickly. now i've ceased to advance. i swear sometimes i think i was as clever in fifth grade, at the age of ten, as i am now with that time doubled.

i don't know where my standards should be, but where they are doesn't work for me. i just place myself under the bootheel of oh so many people whom i have so much respect... which would be a good thing, but i give them so much respect that it almost hampers me. it almost reminds me of india's caste system. weird analogy... but jenna was telling me about how they had a picnic there. they had rather a lot of left overs, and decided to give it to some local boys who were around playing. a couple of the boys were of the brahmin caste, and despite the best efforts of everyone, including the two boys, the others wouldn't touch the picnic stuff until the upper caste boys finished.

human worth really shouldn't be based on intelligence. or strength or agility or charisma or appearance... the conversations on possible benefits of eugenics that are going on at the brunching board right now... it's so wrong. even if you could quantify intelligence... even if you could quantify intelligence in foetuses... there are other credentials which we really can't ever measure, and which most probably aren't a matter of nature, but nurture. and one wonders if our values aren't bringing us toward phasing out this sector of humanity. so many people seem to place their faith in things that are important, yes, but somehow not eternally significant.

beauty is a huge one. beauty fades. strength too is lost over time. even intelligence fades as we pick up the symptoms of old age. and none of these are as important as things we cannot ever measure in any human genome. i believe in some sort of soul, i think, and i'd vote for people with beautiful souls and average intelligence over these superhuman people who are beautiful and brilliant, but lack depth. not that this seems a common phenomena in those i meet, but it frightens me that perhaps others might not notice this lack when faced with other more overwhelmingly popular ideas of personal strengths.

the whole notion of soul gets bogged down in so many stupidities, i find. some more ridiculous than others. i don't believe in concepts of soul mates or some sort of complete metaphysical completion, that's perhaps not as far fetched as some other ideas. i tend to totally discard ideas of wraiths, spirits, and whatnot, also. i can't even seem to recall some of the other ideas i've encountered which seemed completely manufactured and downright silly. i think i refuse to retain things that i feel are idiocies. hmm. must remember one. just one... i suppose stealing others' souls would be a good one.

when i was younger i used to think the soul was another internal organ. i pictured it as grey and whitish and stripey, and somewhere around the area of your liver. *grin* i suppose my mental image now is more one of an aura of light. although that seems like a crock to me, too. i should stop attempting to come up with a physical manifestation, as that seems inherently opposed to the actual concept. our darned culture focuses too much on requirements of vision in order to attain belief or faith.

bugger faith. bugger truth, bugger belief. we all know so little, and then i find that even what we know is subjective truth or personal truth or even unsubstantiated truth. think what you want. believe that secretly slugs are sentient and more advanced than the rest of the universe. believe that your nose is actually not a natural phenomena, but a device implanted from birth by the government to monitor you. believe that water is actually a living breathing organism with a will of its own. believe whatever you want. in the end knowledge seems to count for naught in any case. nothing is real, all is perceived reality. and in the end i tend to find it all too easy to reject every thought i have. all i know for sure is what occurs inside my own head, and as i've repeatedly demonstrated, that doesn't stay fixed either.

i think i've been engaged in argue mode too long, and unfortunately i have no one i can have a nice, satisfying personal debate with. blarghing text environments blarghing suck. i wish truth had value. i wish emotion had value. i wish my arguments had value. but really it all just passes by and is replaced by the next in line, and no matter what is said or felt or discovered, it never comes to the full strength or power it should or could attain. and if it comes close then i'll go ahead and argue that ideas deserve no power due to their very transience and instability as well as lack of proof.

i wish i knew what i was talking about. i wish others did. i wish someone could tell me if i'm making sense. i wish i could find someone who thinks somewhat like i do. i just want to be legitimated just like so many others. and it's not something you find effortlessly, or really at all in most cases. i wish that when i thought i was being clear, i could actually be making sense to others who don't have my frame of reference. i wish i were objective. i wish i were a rich man. *grin* i'd better go. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 1:46 AM

 
i finally got to pay my sister back today. this makes me happy. and i talked to my father for the first time in two weeks. which was also good. we must have talked for at least an hour and a half... a lot of it was about my future, (school, career, etc.) when i explain to him what i want from life and why i think it will work i feel as though i'm bullshitting. i don't know why. i guess because that's what mom thinks of my ideas. but i give dad my rationale and logic and he accepts them. *sigh* i'm just having a phase where i continually realize how my early life has messed up my thought patterns.

this has seemingly been my month for lack of self worth, and so i've been trying to figure out where it's all coming from. then i get bitter about things i remember from childhood. basically i think i shouldn't dwell on it, though.

today i was being very nice to legend. petted him and whatnot. debi said i was scaring her. *grin* maybe i should try more often, then.

debi said we should go out to dinner tomorrow. i think she feels badly about not doing anything with me, or heck, even seeing me. sounds good to me, but i don't really care much. i just want to be home now. well. hmm. not home. long island isn't entirely home, really. i'm just so sick of being here. and i'm sick of hearing myself whinge about it. today i was thinking about that weirdo odd stat... the one that says guys think about sex however often. something insane. dunno. i was thinking i'm like that with school. bleh on me.

i'm too tired to write anything coherent. which is so lame considering i spent yesterday watching a couple people remain eloquent through complete lack of sleep. eh. i'm a wimp.

i'm sick of this. sick of looking at myself saying and thinking the same things every day. it seems like i can almost reach a limit on what there is of me right now, since i'm so confined, and after that limit i'm just on repeat for a bit. big fat bleh on that one.

ok, i'm up way too late looking through what other people are capable of thinking and arguing well. hmm. and i recently found an "old" post of mine... and i bother me. and that's only three months or so old, and already i think i'm completely off base. maybe it feels like i always think the same things, but it looks like they transmute with extreme speed. hmm. well it seems i don't always bother me...

i wonder sometimes if intelligence fluctuates by day. at the very least ability to articulate yourself well certainly seems to. sometimes i can almost like me as well as i like my friends. which is actually saying a lot, i guess. i should lower my standards a bit, because i think i'd make a good friend, but i still wonder....

a lot of the people i associate with and i respect most have nowhere near as much admiration or liking for themselves as i do for them. i wonder if most people would befriend themselves if they met themselves. personally i can't see liking myself upon first meeting me, but i think i'd be good once i knew me. *grin* odd thought. the issue is that i like who i am inside, but i hate who i look like on the outside. i know that i'm a good person in terms of morals as well as other qualities, but i can't see any of this evidenced in my interactions with most people. i know my friends love me and i can come close to understanding that, but what i don't understand is why people like me when they meet me. although in a few cases here and there i've managed to actually be up to my standards around people even from the start. damn. i have standards for that? eek.

my father told me again today that he thinks i'm a good person and said that he hopes that what he sees as my positive qualities end up working out for me, or something to that effect. my father is such an oddball. he makes these statements... it basically sounds as though he has no confidence that anything good ever happens in the world, which isn't an uncommon stance, but is odd knowing him personally.

well, i started writing this four hours ago, and i've been fuddling around ever since. i've finally wrote something lucid, but not here... in any case, i think it's time for sleep. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 5:33 AM

 
i finally get a break from work. and i finally have money. and i've just stayed up until six something am for no good reason. i think because i haven't felt like i've had free time up until now and i just had to use it all. plus i've been up until four thirty or five fairly consistently of late, so an extra hour is not much. only one problem with this schedule... when i get back to new york five am will equal seven am. that's going to be an issue, eh?

spoke to anna and kathryn today, albeit briefly. makes me wish i were back home so that i could see them. *sigh* instead i'm in a basement with frightening detritus of whatever legend has most recently dismembered. i'm hoping that what's on the floor right now is pantyhose, because if not i have not the foggiest notion and this stuff is plain out scary.

i feel like i spent frivolously today. i had to spend twenty five dollars to even be able to cash my check. *sigh* stupid k mart says they cash checks on fridays and saturdays, but they lie. it's only every other friday and saturday. bleh. so i went to the grocery and in order to cash it there i needed to spend ten percent in the store. which is a lot, really. so now i have twenty seven dollars worth of frozen vegetables, cheese and rice. *rolls eyes* bloody useful, that, but i had to shop in less than five minutes in order to catch the bus.

in any case, the issue here is that i really want to buy a phone card and actually talk to people. like kat before she goes back to miami. but i don't feel like i can afford it. plus if i wait a bit longer i can probably just use mom's phone and get away without paying. mm. dilemma. bleh.

i'm almost done... almost gone... and i haven't done anything. i think it's beginning to get to me a bit. i don't even see debi except after i get back from work exhausted and then she still wants me to get her things. argh. i don't mind helping her, but when i've just gotten off work i generally have to stop myself from getting out a cleaver and chopping my feet off, so running around and getting things for debs isn't highly appreciated. darn i really want a desk job.

in any case, i had better make this short because i'm at the point where my eyes are actually unfocussing fairly frequently and just seeing a blur of light instead of words. i like the feeling, actually, but i suspect it can't be a good thing. very tired today due to about four hours sleep last night. i thought i was going to fall asleep on the bus and end up not getting off at my stop. would have amused me, actually. my head just kept falling onto my shoulder. i like that feeling of tiredness. that's sick, isn't it?

anyhow, getting close to that again now. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 5:28 AM

 
one more day of work before two days of freedom. *contented sigh* i'm planning on getting up early and finally getting my check cashed and actually having money. oh my word, what a concept. i want to get a disposable camera and take pictures of this place before i go. i need to catch a mountain sunrise, my sister and rob, and that silly sign by the laundromat that says "wow! our sign blew down!"

i'll be so happy to finish work in another week and a half. it's so hard to be motivated and to keep going when your labour is so meaningless and tedious and when your boss never gives you the slightest sign of approval. the only thanks i ever get are from coworkers when i lend a hand. which is nice in and of itself, i suppose. i keep wondering though if my labour is actually considered below par, and if so, why?

i think that out of the five of us who make up night crew i'm pretty much right in the middle. one girl does little and is not liked. one girl works, but slowly and slacks slightly. i find myself continuously working, but not working efficiently, and also i tend to sit if i can on occasion. especially after the first three hours. (which i really shouldn't do because it slows me down, but darn it, i need new insoles if i'm expected to be strong and valiant by standing six to seven hours in a row.) dezeray and amanda both seem to be paragons of efficiency and technique. but they don't get compliments either. hm.

all in all i think i just want to be doing something more satisfying this summer. this job is a) completely mindless b) completely unsuited to any of my talents c) public relations! gah! d) lower paying than anything i've done before, actually. i have no real issues with d. especially since i'm talking about getting a job on campus and heavens knows you can't do better than minimum wage with that. the other three really bug me, though. eh. summer job, what do i expect?

ooh, looking at the calendar, it seems that i can't possibly have more than seven or eight working days left. *grin* i'll be back in new york soon, and i'll be attached to my own computer again. praise all the heavens.

the closer i get to being home the less i seem to be able to tolerate the remaining time. i think by next week i'll be accosting mormons on the street and making threatening gestures. =Þ

i'm beginning to consider buying rollerblades at some point. well, fake rollerblades, of course. i used to love skating, but i've never actually tried inline... if it's anything like ice skating, then i'm screwed. hm. but i was thinking it'd be a nice thing to do... i don't even know what the reasoning is behind this urge. i'm just queen random again.

i need to get out. i need to see people. i live in a bloody basement and i know two people in the whole state. argh. that just gets to me after a while. i feel bad for wanting to be gone, but really, who could blame me?

i should head off so i can get up early. ew. i have to get to work before nine thirty so that i can cash my paycheck. then i get to go right back home again. useful, that. if i fell asleep right at this moment i'd still only get about five hours sleep. blargh. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 2:34 AM

 
i'm in one of those wonderful moods where i realize that all these sadnesses of life are just fleeting and almost trivial. a sort of mood where i just crack a little smile at no one in particular every few minutes without reason. i have no reason to be happy, but i am. i think i'm going to take legend outside for a bit. i love how it gets all cold at night and there are stars. unlike home.

it's amazing how much people can change in only a few years. it's also amazing that almost everyone does. i have to smile at my own demonstration today. i used to be so unsure of myself and so easily intimidated... i still am, but i think along with my ability to perform without nerves comes a new superpower. i can turn off my problems of insecurity. not at will, but i seem to pick good times.

today i worked with jerk girl again, and i've managed to completely ignore all her snarkiness. so today in confirmation of my guesses she went off and smoked over break, then we all got lectured that we aren't allowed to leave the building on break... then she tells me there's a new gang that's been started. in utah. indeed. she says the initiation is to kill someone and goes on to describe it. i laughed at her. i'm being full well snarkier than she is. because i can tell she's almost trying to impress me. and it's not working. i find this supernormally amusing. bad me.

honestly being out here makes me feel so capable. i've been brought up to be independent, and i've learned to have some confidence in my abilities. i don't look like a good target, really. i don't think i'm ever going to get jumped, and i'm pretty damned sure that i have nothing to fear from a gang in utah. honestly it's pretty hard for me to feel threatened. yes, i'm so over confident that i'm going to go down at some point, but i'm having fun, so who cares?

but so really i'm just realizing how wonderful it is to grow up and to see the world in a new light and to see others seeing new things. and to see others see a new you.

every person you meet causes another version of yourself to come into existence. my new selves are looking better and better, and it's changing my own perceptions a bit, i think. slowly though. people don't react to me the same way now.

it always used to be that i was paranormal. now people seem to be seeing me as just another part of the whole. i'm not disturbing. even in terms of looks. it odds me out how my coworkers seem to see me as just another person. which i think is simultaneously exactly what i've always wanted and what i've always tried to avoid. well, i think i always wanted to be just another person in terms of looks, but i never managed that. i'm still a bit worried i'm becoming just another person in terms of mentality, too, but i don't think that can really happen to anyone, so i shouldn't concern myself.

i think everyone always wants acceptance, and it seems to be a rather hard thing to find for many of us. especially those of us who are out here online geeking themselves away. *grin* shun the intelligentsia has always been a rallying cry for the ones who had control of the social cliques. but it works now. if you just step out on your own you can find so many people who will accept you because they realize what acceptance means. those who always had it almost miss out, consequently. it's so much more precious to have something you have earned. and doubly so when talking in terms of emotional and personal struggles.

the fight simply to be who you are is such a never ending struggle. expending so much strenght to insist that you will be yourself in the face of so many other clones... and to know to trust yourself and to value yourself. and i'm getting there.

i keep vacillating between feeling this summer has been somewhat worthless and feeling that this summer has been more valuable than almost any other. the thing is that when i consider the second option, i come up with a different tally: every single moment of my life is incredibly important. the human mind is set up to learn, and while i'm away during the summer i'm not learning about maths or literature or culture, but i'm still absorbing a lot of information. i'm a completely different person because of summers in general. somehow i think maybe the more important part of myself develops when i'm on my own.

the thing is that a good bit of the time i don't want to be alone. well, who does? i do think, though, that without time to myself i'd lose track of myself amongst the myriad swirling images of who i am that others show me daily. although at the same time i am every one of those people in a very real sense. because people have such incredible depths to them that no one person can hold all of the people they actually are within themself. we live in others. we are glorified in others. life is about others, and so i live for others. not entirely healthy, actually, but somehow more fulfilling for me at times.

i can be almost the epitome of selflessness, but in serving others i'm still serving myself. i wonder sometimes if true selflessness isn't the best way of looking after your own interests after all. i wonder at those who feel the need to harbour things for themselves, who look to always have the advantage, always the best in life for themselves... because when you clutch in that manner you lose all you seek. because retaining these things solely for the virtue of ownership causes the loss of all meaning. ok, who gave me the drugs?

i was just considering it, because my grandmother is the epitome of one who clutches to herself. and all the time she does it under the guise of giving to her family. but she doesn't because she counts and tallies everything she gives out. she cherishes her idea of giving, but there is no spirit behind it. she's an unhappy person. amazingly so. she trusts none, she values none, she places more importance on things than people. i'd rather be poor and loved than rich and bitter.

i think most of my family would argue that statement. i'm just being idealistic, they'd say. i don't think so. i can live without the perqs my long island family treasures, but i can't live with the soullessness and emptiness exhibited by at least half my relatives. they seem to think i'm a bit of a rebel. i think i'm me, and i think that's a fairly good and wonderous thing.
posted by Unknown at 3:52 AM

 
i've gotten my happiness back for some inexplicable reason. i worked with the biggest jerk
ever today... didn't realize until now why no one likes her... but it didn't bother me.
*grin* she was really nasty. she wanted me to help her do her job, but asked me only a
third of the way into the shift. um. no, i'm not done with my three departments yet,
thanks. anyhow, she asked me another two times and implied that i was obviously a poor
worker for not being done in half the time allotted. *snerk* and yet you're asking me for
help? foolish mortals.

in any case, amanda and i ended up basically finishing up
her last department for her while she disappeared for twenty minutes or so. where did she
go? apparently "outside." my guess is she's a smoker. she thinks she's punk, so i wouldn't
be surprised. in any case, she also managed to insult me two more times, but what she
chose were two things that i really can't find bothersome. first she commented that it was
hard to keep her wardrobe from getting expensive. i replied i had no difficulties, and
largely i spend, what, maybe thirty dollars a year on clothes? she replied "well, i just
*have* to wear fashionable clothes!" after which i grinned like a wolf and replied "thank
you!" with endless dignity. she then acted as though she hadn't meant it that way.
*grin*

the second insult was even better actually, and really does illustrate how
your own insecurities are pawned off on others. she criticized my hair. *humongous
grin* she was commenting on how it's a pain to do in the morning blah blah blah.... and at
one point she said that if she didn't use however much pomade and whatnot, then her hair
would be as frizzy as mine is. *insanely large grin* lemme just say that number one, my
hair isn't frizzy much, number two, her hair was stringy and obviously gelled, number
three, at least mine is a real colour. *snerk* i don't need to comment on other's lacks or
imagined lacks because really, i'm just not capable of being that petty. i find it so funny
that she even tries.

oh, so after amanda and i finished pretty much doing her last
department for her, she starts talking to gina in jewelry, who's really pretty nice. she's
whinging at gina, actually. about our boss, robin. because she continually is chewed out
for not working. umm. yes, this is a surprise to you because? and then she calls robin
"that cow," which i find amusing since robin looks about twenty five and you'd think she's
a cheerleader. i just love people like this! they're so damned funny. petty people are
great to laugh at. ooh, i'm a bad person. but i tried to be nice to her. i just felt the need
to vent a bit afterward. oh, and irony in her implying i'm a bad worker when i've never had
so much as a bad report in all the time i've ever been employed
anywhere?

meanwhile, it's fun being in utah and seeing all the people who want
to be hard core or punk. doesn't work in utah. too funny. you get looked at askew for
sleeveless tops, and these people are attempting to rebel... this girl on the bus today....
smoking at the bus stop, wearing really completely inoffensive clothing, but trying to look
all bad.... with this perfect haircut to the shoulder with cute bangs. *grin* and not even
dyed blue or some other funky colour. maybe you can be punk in utah, but not in utah
county, for sure. these people have nothing to go on, i think. i feel like i'm almost an
authority here on deviant behaviour comparatively. wow, i'm engaged in full mock mode
today. bad me.

anyhow, i think maybe the reason i'm in such a good mood is the
start of my day. finally had the apartment to myself in the morning. i like that. dunno
why, but i prefer getting ready alone. *shrug* in any case, i headed off to the bus stop as
i do every other day of work, unconcerned. i reached the last block before the bus stop
when i suddenly realized i wasn't sure if i had enough money for the ride. hm... i check.
eighty cents. aah! no time to go back. hmm. crud. thought maybe i'd beg the bus driver
for twenty cents. ughh. what options do i have? not many.

so i arrive at the bus
stop. usually i'm the only one there. today, though, there is a young woman who looks
close to my age. i thoroughly search my bookbag in front of her, partially to double check
i have no more change, and partially to set up my begging. =Þ so i ask her if she has a
spare twenty cents.... she tells me that coincidentally she has exactly twenty cents extra.
she realized as she was leaving that she was slightly short, she grabbed some change from
the counter as she left and ended up exactly twenty cents over. plus she never takes the
bus. her car went into the shop just last night. not good for her, but quite the lucky
coincidence for me. i thanked her profusely, of course.

it just seemed all so
fortuitous. i don't know, made me happy somehow. which isn't to say that i'm not still
counting down the days...

i don't like long island. i'm somewhat fond of it
anyhow. i'm not really thrilled with new york, but i love it. *grin* yup, i'm weird.
anyhow, so i'll be happy to be home, i think. i miss civilization, because there is none here.
and people's attitudes... it's a nice change, but i'm not really into it. jamie says she wants
my email before i go. *grin* weirdo liberal girl has befriended a mormon. she's really
nice, though.

religion shouldn't ever really come into friendships, i think. unless
your morality is completely opposed to mine, i could care less if you're searching for
heaven, nirvana or a better rebirth. hmm. which sounded wrong. i have much respect for
people who are religious, because i think it shows strong convictions. which i suppose i
have too, but not so much in that area. or maybe i do, but they don't especially conform
well enough to one ideology to make me look religious.

i find that there are many
strongly religious people who are quite admirable, but at the same time my best friends
largely seem to be unaffiliated. or close to it. jenna, lisa, debi, essena, julia and kat all
have little religious fervor, and cara and morde'an are both unitarian universalists, plus
they don't really make a big deal out if it anyhow... leaving me with.... susan and gina. i
guess i tend to have a lot of different ideas than they do, but somehow it doesn't
matter.

friendship isn't about looking for the wrongs or differences or things to
correct. it's about being and loving and sharing. simply being is such a strong and wise
thing. yes, i'm thinking about taoism too much. but just being around my friends is
enough, even without speaking. i wish everyone could appreciate others as much as i do.
i never realized that my attitude wasn't common, but looking around it doesn't seem to be.
possibly this is because i didn't have friends for a long time, and i've learned how
wonderful people can be and how much i really need them.

that being said, i
obviously don't want to enshrine all of humanity, and there are some people whom i feel
are just sadly misled. but i have no right to condemn them, either, though it's hard to hold
back. as long as i'm not omniscient i can still be wrong and i still have to resist judgment.
plus i'm supposed to be attempting to be a better taoist.

damn, i feel like i'm too
shallow to follow the tao. too many overly profound stories... asian culture seems to
revere intelligence more than ours, so these stories all just laud people for being so all fired
wise and knowledgeable for the most part... except that then they'll also praise the
simple... it seems like taoism should be so easy, but then at the same time it also seems
ungraspable. i think i'm too preoccupied with the unimportant to really embrace much of
anything that calm. bleh on me and my worries which amount to nothing.

all i
need now is to market little bracelets, watches, bumper stickers, etc. that say, title="what would the yellow emperor do?">"wwtyed?" *grin* oh the irony inherent
in that idea. niiice. *grin*

eh, so i suppose now would be a good time to head
off to bed. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 1:41 AM

 
in an effort to move away from the angst of tori amos, i've moved on to the angst of the cure. anyone else want to ridicule my idiocy? i'm really enjoying this, though... been a long time since i listened. staring at the sea--their greatest hits from before most people were aware they had hits. =Þ doesn't have lovesong, so it isn't perfect, but this stuff is nice anyhow.

today they stuck only two of us in again. blargh. i should have figured that i'd get screwed with the rampant losses in the department. didn't really seem to matter, though. worked with amanda, who is a great person, and lots of fun to talk to. i ended up helping her in her departments rather than tending to my own for a couple hours so that we could talk. which is fine since i got the easier assignment and she could have used help anyhow. just a bit upset that we stayed more than a half hour after again, plus i still can't find personnel and i still have no money.

oh, so today was pioneer day. what did that mean to me? absolutely nothing. well, except that bus service didn't run, so i was damned lucky debi was home, or else i'd have been doing some interesting fuddling. i asked debi what pioneer day was. she doesn't know either. bloody important holiday, i gather.

ooh, let's go to bed. fun song. but what do "i'm shaking like milk" and "fires outside in the sky look as perfect as cats" mean? i want to get to bed soon so that i can get up early and finally put this stuff on full volume and sing along all i want. two days in a row of unexpected still sleeping people in afternoon. bah.

fourteen days until i quit work. nineteen until i'm home. but more important than home is my computer. heh. i'll be happy to see my father again. not commenting otherwise on familial obligations. ooh, bugger. reminds me that i'll prolly have to visit ima. *rolls eyes* i better find another good outfit and dig out some makeup.

i still can't believe my last visit to ima. i think she thought i usually dress poorly or something. which isn't the case. my favourite outfits are formal, but i guess this was the first time i visited her while wearing something nice. argh. so she was all happy then, but now i feel like there's pressure that every time i see her in the future i have to look prettier and thinner. like that's happening. so silly of her, too. she claims it's because she's concerned for our health, but her actions belie that. taking me off to see her friend and ranting about how i look nice because i'm healthier? no.

i swear when i grow up i'm going to be someone's crazy relative, but never *that* kind of crazy. i want to vow that i'll always attempt to be harmless. :) and no throwing people's clothes out on the driveway.

ooh. in between days. good song. :) i love this album. hehe, i'm entirely too fond of way too many sorts of music and certainly too many artists. i seem to find value in everything in life. which is odd considering i don't seem to entirely be an optimist. but i like everything in life. heh. i like everything, but still think it isn't any good. damn, i'm the most contrary person ever. i think i just have a heart full of love and a mind full of regret. aaagh, i'm cutesy and sappy. quite.

hmm. should head off. but i'm not tired. i dislike my schedule. *frown* blarghing stupid excess energy at one, two and three am. eh, we'll try to get past it. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 1:54 AM

 
i'm quite thrilled that i was wrong. hugely surprised, too. today our boss called us into the office within twenty minutes of our arrival. what we were expecting was a huge rant. what we got started out as a lecture and almost turned into a pep talk. it was odd, really. she even went so far as to tell us we made a good team and were working together well. umm. ok.

in any case, i was still right about the rest of the day. i didn't get off work until eleven forty something. bleh. schedule six hour shifts and then make them seven without allowing extra breaks. and i *still* have not gotten a single bloody hell freaking paycheck. *sigh* i asked today, and was told linda had them, but then was unable to find linda. spiffy. so i bought lunch using my debit card today. bagel, yoghurt and a cheese stick on a card. about a dollar. bloody downright pathetic. i don't even have bus fare for tomorrow. i'll have to ask debi. or look in cracks in the furniture. bloody hell. i should have earned at least two hundred fifty dollars already, and i'm scrounging for nickels. this is *stupid.*

i'm so ready to be gone. i can almost taste the plane ride. ew. stale air and bagged pretzels. i'm getting so malcontent that i think i'm getting a bit careless.

i told debi today that i think i wouldn't really want to live with her long term. she of course wanted to know why. difficult for me to even say why. well, one reason that's obvious is that i'm acting as a sort of maid service, but i wasn't bringing that up, as debs has been sick, and i'm not paying rent, so i deserve it, or something. what i finally told her is that i don't like who i am when i'm with her anymore. which is just a screwy answer. and probably my problem, not to be inflicted on her. i said that i'm a lazy jerk when i'm around her. she said she was surprised since she thought she was making me do rather a lot of work. it isn't how much work you do, though. it's the mentality.

i don't know that it's the real reason i'm not happy living with her, though. i think it's all about the disappointment of what it used to be like between the two of us. we used to be a lot closer. i think though, the reason we aren't now is that i've gone from hero worship to amiable respect. and i think i have more respect for myself than i do for her. not sure why. it just seems to me like what should be important for her isn't. honestly a lot of the issues she's having now are due to her lack of care for herself. which i can understand, as depressed people don't really care for themselves, but she has been functioning normally for a while now, and she still doesn't treat herself well. not that i do either, but not on this sort of level. i'm guilty of occasional lapses in sleep and starvation, but not much else. debi has been totally neglecting her surroundings, her eating habits, her sleeping habits, her hygiene to some extent... and i'd give a lot to know how other people can be so reckless with diet and health and still be thinner than i am. bitter bitter, yes we know.

it's all a plot to make me look more normal than i am. =Þ i think my main issue is that debi has no life outside of work and her boyfriend. maybe i'm just scared of that sort of thing. although i expect this week i'll have no life outside of work. bleh. couldn't even practice today because rob slept over and didn't get up until after i left for work. at four. bleh! not fair. my lungs are finally feeling normal enough that i could have.... and it's been i think four days. i haven't practiced berio in a long time. i'm not up to it. i don't even want to play it anymore. my only motivations at this point are a) i don't want to have to explain not doing it, b) my accompanist thought it was really cool, and c) the whole studio would freak out and die. eh. not good motives. i need to want to do it for myself, and i just don't. too hard. i don't think i can. and i forgot to bring the cd with me to listen. not that i'd want to anyhow.

i like modern music. a lot more than almost anyone i know. i like berio. this piece though.... it can be fun to play, actually, but i think under these circumstances it's just stressful. i sucked so badly when i played it through for juries. because i went too fast. as always. and i wasn't prepared enough. because i need two weeks on each page, i swear. i just don't even want to look at the piece again. argh. can i play muczynski instead?

i feel like i'm wimping out. the thing is that i could definitely manage a more difficult piece, but i don't have many options due to accompanist issues. plus i have no chance to look at anything new this summer. and really. i'm getting to the point where i don't want to be motivated by competition and all this. although that's quite dangerous because really i can't just coast if i want to stay in orchestra. not sure i'll make it anyhow.... i'd be sort of happy in wind ensemble, but if i drop to a lower ensemble... i'd be so embarrassed.... i dunno. i don't deserve to lose my seat, really. but who can tell.

i think i'm just having a period of general overall angst and worry. not sure why, though. basically i'm sitting here pouting a lot like a little girl. damn, what was that i said about respect before? i do have respect for myself, but i tend to go a bit over board on the self loathing, so it seems to cancel it all out. eh, it's all just my mood.

i'm still really anxious to get back to school, but once i get there i'm going to have a lot to cope with. going to have to change majors, change my whole schedule, quite possibly change advisors... and i need to know requirements and i can't get them. gah! i'm going to find out there's some trivial three sequence course and i'll have to stay an extra semester just for... no, i sincerely doubt it. but still... i worry, since i can't know. meanwhile, i'm trying to go through this without actually really discussing it with anyone in my family. heh. i think mom still might think i'm staying an extra semester. i wonder if i should bother asking her to show up to graduation. ooh, bad me. evil thought. of course i will. and she'll show up. and make a big show of being proud.

maybe not, though. she'll probably be happy since i'll be the daughter who actually got her degree on schedule and all, but then it's in something she thinks is useless... bugger the world. if i can't make a living doing something i want, then the world is unsatisfying as a whole. eh, like it matters if i dismiss the world. been doing it for years to no avail.

i don't like being up so late... but after i got off late, debi stopped to go shopping for a half hour... then we got home and she got on the computer for another hour... when i get a start around two, is it any wonder that i'm still up at three thirty? which would work fine at school, but i don't like it here. not sure why. maybe because it means that in my reality of new york i'm up at five thirty. iiiccck.

eh. i have nothing of value to say about anything. i haven't for a while. i'm just tired. and debi's still up. and she has to be up for work in three or so hours. *shakes her head*

oh, but i put in today for my leave starting friday the tenth. i can start counting down the days. oh. and i found out today that two people quit, and one was fired in our department. no wonder i'm scheduled so much this week. i think that even if i do muck things up a bit (which i'm not really. i just think circumstantially i look bad for some reason.) they can't afford to get rid of me. heh, but that won't help them come august. jaime, dezeray and i are all leaving. possibly amanda, too. i'm almost amused that they'll be so buggered. ha! ha! i say! serves you right, k mart! now you'll pay for your heinousness! eh, not really. i'm sure someone else will get buggered over instead.

well there's my insanity quotient for the night. happy pioneer day tomorrow. yes, it's a utah state holiday. i have no idea what the holiday means, but i know i'm still working, so blammed if i care. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 2:48 AM

 
i'm just so sad. i don't know what brought it on. work was somewhat awful, and i'm worried that i'm going to be screamed at tomorrow for not finishing tonight's work, but they only assigned two people, and it makes it impossible to keep up. so i started out unhappy. now i'm just terribly lonely. and how i wish i could confide in myself, because it seems i'm a lot better listener than debi is.

basically i said that i'm just really lonely, and it's awful to realize that it's going to be like this all over again next summer and possibly for years afterward. debi's response? yeah, you think everyone else doesn't go through it? thanks. that really helps. not what you're supposed to say. i wonder sometimes if it screws things up that i know what's supposed to be said to people who are depressed. because it doesn't work on yourself. because what you really need is someone to be there for you and listen. and not someone to tell you not to worry and you'll get through it.

i just wish i had someone to talk to. but if i did, i wouldn't be lonely in the first place.

so we ended up having the most abominable amount of work left to do at the end of the night, and we've left a full day's work for tomorrow. both jaime and i are working tomorrow. and better yet, the manager of our department is closing tomorrow. and better than that even. we'll have to have everything perfect for wednesday because we're having a district manager come in that morning. and i'm going to be working tomorrow, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday and saturday. and tomorrow i'm going to come and get screamed at. i can't wait. if i don't get some sleep for tomorrow i'll probably break down and cry at bloody k mart. it's all my fault i'm so upset. i have no resistance when i haven't slept.

what i really need is a hug and some friends. the problem is that i always used to be lonely. i never had many friends until sophomore year in college, really. now i know what it's like not to be lonely, and it's ever so hard to go back.

i've been in this mood for two hours now. and i keep getting almost better, but not quite. i just feel like crying. a lot. it's so careless to be in this mood, but still talk to people. i think i might have been making disclosures that no one really needs to know. or more specifically people i don't really know don't need to know. this whole blog is more of things that i shouldn't actually let other people know. although i used to have that sort of thought more often, and i decided i was wrong. now i'm beginning to see the other side again. but i don't feel like it matters at this point. i'm tired, my eyes hurt, my soul feels sick, and i just want to sit and cry. i wish i weren't this melancholy.

everything seems so trivial and unimportant right now. and to think that i'm trying to write it out and be correct, and possibly i should spell check it and maybe stick in some font tags, and it all just looks like such a joke. i suppose i'll have to go back and fix it later, really. that's my big problem with my melancholia. i mock myself for it while i'm there just for being so bloody overdone. i feel as if i'm not allowed to be upset, somehow. but i know why that is, too.

i've been crying so long that my head is aching and i'm slightly dizzy. and it's all over nothing. i swear it has nothing to do with real life. to think that all this is just because i can't actually see and hear my friends. why? what reasoning does that have for affecting anyone? sometimes it all just seems so pointless. which is such a dangerous feeling. sort of numbness, i suppose. but a vague ache, too. the odd part is that the sadness itself saddens me. i feel like a poorly written gothic novel. i hate it. but attempting to leave sadness sometimes just feels like an abrasive, offensive notion. and then i feel like i'm just maudlin and silly for allowing myself to feel sad. damn, that's not fair. i shouldn't feel this way. anger, sadness, fear... all of them are somehow corrupted in me. but it gets to a point where i can't even be angered about that. just more ache.

i'm hoping that if i can just get it all out i can go sleep and get on with things. anesthesia. yup. that's what this stupid thing is supposed to be, anyhow. better than writing poetry. or better for me. jenna does it well. for me, i'd end up with some insanely clichéd and rather sickening tainted poetry that reads as though written by a child. maybe i could pull in a nice rhyme scheme and them i'd have to mentally puke on myself.

wow. cynicism is a great way to move past feeling. now if only i weren't so lightheaded. i wonder if this is what it feels like to be drunk. everything moves too much. i should just keep my head still. every time i've tried to stand up in the past couple hours i've stumbled. i think i'm just tired. so i should go sleep. if i can manage. we'll give it a go. good night.
posted by Unknown at 1:47 AM

 
good news for today: dinner was not in a cup. bad news for today: i'm an utter moron. argh. so i'm trying to balance out spaghetti and spinach with me being stupid enough to forget that today was saturday.

i missed work because i missed the bus, because i forgot that i have to leave something like two or so hours in advance to get to work on saturdays. bah! saturdays suck! argh. so i walked out to the lonely bus stop at ten of three as usual and had the realization dawn on me just as i got there that no one else would be getting there for hours. *hits things*

so i had to call in. and i felt so embarrassed about it that i didn't want to say what actually happened, so i told the mysterious "k-1" that i felt nauseous. which honestly, i did, having to call in as i did. i dunno, but i hate doing that, and i knew they wouldn't be happy since i gave an bloody friggin' *hour's* notice. AAAAGH! i'm just vaguely angered by the fact that i could be this stupid. let me stop thinking about it.

today's quote of the day from irc is "Ne cessez pas votre course de mon personnel de force." i'd sig mr 911 for that, but no one would know what it meant. it seems like the past time of at least five brunchers is to either a) tease me to death, b) embarrass me to death, or c) offend me somehow. anyhow, so tonight's attempts were basically consisting of people sticking odd phrases into babelfish and translating into french, then pasting them in the channel.

mr 911, being who he is, was largely taking odd euphemisms for sex and translating those. *weird* results. screw doesn't have the same connotation in french, nor does sleep. anyhow, so that one was supposed to mean something to the effect of "don't stop the drive of my mighty staff," but actually ended up translating into "don't stop your running of my staff (as in "office staff") of force." ok, not a good translation, but it's hysterical in french. especially since it rhymes.

i asked him for permission to use it in a piece of musique concrète. i really really want to do something with it, and i have no idea why i like it so much. i think maybe for "personnel de force," which sounds like a high powered unstoppable task force of trouble shooters or something. in any case, it just sounds *so* good in french. *tries it out a few times* wow, *really* good. damn. i just *have* to do something with this. if i stick it in the middle of an electronic piece then it won't matter that it makes no sense. and with the way the translation worked out, you'd really never know it was supposed to be dirty. heh.

eh, i think i just need an excuse to get back in the tech lab and write some more. it took me forever when i did projects due to perfectionism, but *damn* i loved doing them. well, actually when i finished they still were never up to my standards, but i'm trying to get over that. i tried to go back and fix one, actually, but couldn't because the hard drives were so full. *scowl* if i ever end up actually having money, then i'm getting a mac in addition to my current computer to do sound work. ick. i'd need way too much money (maybe twelve hundred) to set up things to my standards, but it would be so worth it... and i think i'd rather just try and milk my current one by upping ram and getting a cd rw than get a new pc for quite a while yet. ha, maybe i'll be able to afford this someday as i don't seem to take too many other luxuries. someday.

i'm going to apply to be a proctor next semester. hopefully i'll have enough time to take advantage of this and actually get into the lab more often. i did come in for non class assignments on occasion during the past two semesters.... hmm. i wish i could take an independent study with mr. wills. i should look into that. i wish i weren't intimidated by him. it's odd, any of my classmates would probably assume that i was completely comfortable around him due to the way i acted in class, but deep down i always feel like i don't really know what i'm doing with technology and whatnot.... i was one of the best students in the class, and i always knew what was going on, and generally everyone knew that, but still i feel like a dorky, ignorant little kid. i don't really feel comfortable asking him about things, since i feel like i'm so inferior.

this is actually especially unfortunate, since of all the people in the school of music, or heck, the whole college, he's the one doing what's closest to what i want to do with my life. well, i'd have to forgo the jazz vibraphone part of his career, but still. :) and he isn't scary, either. he's really nice, and personable. i should have no problems asking about this. and i was always a good student in his class, so i have no embarrassments....

argh. i just have no self confidence. it's funny how apparent it becomes in some situations, whereas in everyday life i seem to fool so many. i still don't know how that works. it's so funny to see me act all insecure, too... i'm huge.. i'm intimidating looking, really. and then i'm standing there attempting to shrink into myself and be inconspicuous. boy does that work well. it probably looks absolutely preposterous. wish i could see it from the other side once.

in any case, i'm up way too late... don't know why precisely. especially since i was vowing i'd get to bed early tonight and up early tomorrow to straighten. i'll still have to get up early, just now i'll have no bloody sleep beforehand. stupid. eh, but i've been up to my ears in stupidity lately. at least i'm getting some amusement out of it.

mm. lemme be pathetic and try to give a silly little positive note here. my hair looks bloody perfect today. for no good reason, though, so i doubt i can replicate it. when i looked in the mirror, though, after washing my hands i just had to pause and say, "what?? that's incredible." yeah boyee. =Þ

urgh. i so don't want to go to sleep. don't know why. that is. argh. debi said that if i don't clean the kitchen by the time she gets back tomorrow, then she'll be angry. *sigh* technically it really is all my mess, but that's only because everything debi eats i get for her now. ick. shouldn't be that bad, mostly just a sink of dishes, but i just don't want to do it. i'll have to get up and put on some awfully heavy and thumping techno and just get it over with.

i just want to be on my own so that i can have my own standards again, and not these annoyances of cleaning on other people's schedules. argh. i'm not quite a clean person, naturally, but i'm not a messy one either, i think. given my choice things will be in a bit of a disarray until weekends, when i'll need no more than a half hour or so to put things to rights. well, and then there's papers to be organized every month or so. but i don't hold with dirty dishes for days and things like that. debi does. or she doesn't want to, but it just is. visiting her last apartment was insanity. i think she keeps up appearances more now that rob is over every so often. of course of late keeping up appearances has been at least significantly my responsibility. yes, yes, whinge whinge. bad me.

eh. have to stop listening to this album. don't want to stop. stuck at computer because i need to listen to this album. help. obsessive. i've been listening to tori amos all day, and i've been hitting the back button insane amounts of times to listen to this one and that one just once more, really! "but i haven't been singing along! i have to go back and listen again!" my voice has gotten a lot better today. i think i'll be able to kick the cold in the next day or so. then i can sleep well again. must sleep. ok. now we can shut off the music. yes. step away from the keyboard. no! no, i said back. argh. you're hopeless.

ok, i can't do it. i'll stop writing, though, and maybe that'll be progress. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 4:05 AM

 
i just had scary realization.... everything i've eaten today has been out of a cup. *frown* oatmeal in a cup for breakfast, ramen in a cup (oriental flavour!) for lunch, and now i'm having vegetarian vegetable soup in a cup (plus added broccoli, because i still maintain this stuff doesn't have enough veggies) for dinner. help. maybe i should have applesauce in a cup for dessert or something, just to make it even sillier. you'd never know that it was debi who got her teeth out, eh?

ooh. playboy mommy again. i love this album. i was listening to youssou n'dour and deep forest for the first half of the day and poe and tori amos for the second. makes me happy. i just wish i could sing along... blasted cold.

anyhow, so debs is gone for the weekend yet again, and this time i don't get to be lonely and whingey because i actually work both days. plus monday and tuesday. whoo bonus. *sigh* i liked it better when they gave me two days work then a day off. less concentrated angst and boredom. and i felt so icccckkk today that i didn't go and get my paycheck. bad me. bad bad bad. now i'm never allowed to whinge about it again. BAD.

i think i must be in a worse mood this past week, but i'm still not upset. i think maybe slightly stressed, though. oh heck, i know i am. probably why i have the cold. i catch myself getting really irritable at work on occasion. well, the little boy who ran around hitting things for twenty or so minutes would try anyone's patience, i expect. that day just was so aggravating. i really hope i don't have kids *again* tomorrow. plus i'm sure mom will have to try and talk to me at some point soon. yay. i'm looking forward to more accusations and irrationality.

every time i start thinking it's just me and she's not that bad i talk to her again... now that these conversations are taking place over instant messenger half the time, it gives me the opportunity to stop and just stare at what she's written and think, "what? WHAT??" *sigh* it's better than talking to her. she can't upset me in text. more and more now i just have to laugh. of course i can afford to now--i'm almost free. life isn't bad. i feel like i'm making things out to be more than they are. of course i have only one perspective, so essentially i'm ignorant. *shrug*

i wanted to practice today, but with the chest cold... it'd end up being just like when i was playing in the opera--coughing gets untenable because i'm pushing scads of air through my throat and stirring everything up. not terribly pleasant. argh. i had a two week long cold during opera hell week and performance. got so bad that even dr. rudge noticed. ^_^ it's so hard to be in a pit for hours and try your best not to cough, but continually have things messed up when you play. i miss fledermaus, though.... i had fun piccolo solos, too. :) ooh, mix and match smileys. ha.

today i fuddled around and attempted to make my silly french blog look all purty. actually, initially i was picking things that i thought would prove out my bad taste, but then they had to go and work. *grin* of course i only just started it and it's in french, so it has less on it than half of one of my regular posts, but maybe at some point i'll get better. took me forty minutes today to write about a half a page. well, that wasn't all i was doing, but still. eh. although i do have to say i was infinitely amused when someone asked me in shock "you speak fluent french????" (yes, that many question marks.) no, i don't, but i'm good at fooling you? i don't know. i'm trying to tell myself that it's not bad for someone out of the american schooling system. ew.

i'm just upset because i feel like i've lost all the facility i used to have. although to be fair, for three years out of classes i speak a damned sight better than just about anyone else i know. i've been trying to keep up by talking with debi on occasion, as well as all the music i listen to in french, but that only helps to some small extent. actually though, my last roommate spent a semester in spain and told me the semester she got back that she thinks i speak better french than she does spanish. *grin* now *that* was a compliment.

it's funny... it's nice to get compliments, and generally i let them turn my head a bit, if i can, but one *always* takes criticism, or, in my case, sometimes even what isn't said, more to heart. i think most people do that, but i wonder to what extent. i used to dwell a lot more on criticism. lately i've been much better, and i've actually been dwelling on compliments, but all in all i think i still don't believe them. hum. i'm just having an inferiority complex day today. ah heck, who am i kidding? that's every day. today i just felt as though i was poking a sore wound, though. like i couldn't help but make deprecating statements. it just pulled me. i hate doing that, too. because people tend to deny it, and i don't want to discuss those things anyhow. it's just pathetic when i do. i still think it's some sort of societal obligation half the time when people tell you that no, you aren't so bad. *sigh*

it always feels like i'm poking at my bruises actually. even writing about it. like i'm testing myself to see if i'm serious, or if i've somehow sneaked up behind myself and gotten better about these things. ha. can i get an extra dose of reality? i'd like to know for sure who i am, and i really think i'm not doing well looking from inside.

talked to jenna again today. yay. she completed an essay to apply for peace corps and wanted me to give her any criticism i could. i really didn't have much to say. jenna's been writing for a newspaper since she was about fifteen, and was an editor of a paper (about equivalent to the village voice) that was based in dc a couple years back. what in the heck could i possibly have to tell her that she doesn't know? i get asked to look at people's papers a lot, and usually i can help out, because i have this sort of obsession with language. simple grammar and spelling mistakes i always catch. awkward turns of phrase i can correct effortlessly. but jenna's got all that and style, too. then she doesn't understand why all her friends can't help correct her. *grin*

jenna: anything, from the overall mood, the theme, the symbolism, down to sentence structure and paragraph flow...anything?
me: no, it has good flow. hum.
me: i don't think i'm good with criticism. or not with you.
jenna: ::grumbles:: WHY does everyone say that?!?
me: other people i just have to correct grammar and things, and obviously you don't need it.
me: because you already write better than most of us, dear.
jenna: I've been told 1.) You're a far better writer than I am, 2.) You intimidate me, 3.) You take criticism as a personal attack, 4.) Compliments are easier, 5.) You're stronger than I am and you can beat me up, 6.) You scored higher on the SAT II Writing than I did, 7.) You're formidable.

well, really only one and four apply to me, but still... this branched off into a discussion of how other people are intimidated by us. us?? i know personally that i'm intimidated by everyone else. people somehow get this idea that i disapprove of them. i know i'm thinking to myself concurrently, "i'm not good enough to be talking with you." people seem to think that jenna and i are confident. *grin* i don't know how we're managing this, but it's pretty amusing considering the truth.

i think that it may have to do with the way we speak. i don't really come off as casual, i think, and i know that jenna's sarcasm and wit are always readily apparent. jenna pulled out an excellent quote from one scared victim..."Jenna, you use your words like whips and I'm not into that whole leather thing"

meanwhile, i've been thinking about this sort of thing for a while... so people feel afraid or intimidated when they meet me, it seems... i feel intimidated and inferior when meeting plenty of people of late... i'm thinking that all these people who i'm thinking are just so far above my head shouldn't be let out into society, because it would be devastating to morale of the general populace. =Þ although it seems that on the whole, the more intelligent you are, the less of a chance there is that you actually integrate into the whole of society. i should be grateful for being stupid.

wait wait!! maybe that is a causal relationship, but i have it backwards!! maybe more exposure to society makes you stupider! heavens knows that could certainly be true in america. bleh. i wonder if one could test this theory? *grin* i'm going to have kids and home school them and never allow them out of the house--no!

i think i get all antsy because i place such a high value on intelligence, but honestly that's not the most important thing out there. (although i will argue for it being high up in priorities) strictly in terms of iq, i'm probably rather inferior to my father. well, i can't be sure, but it's quite possible. however! i can actually function on a real level, i have common sense, and i'm actually capable of making friends. every time my dad refers to someone as a friend i'm pretty much surprised. then i feel badly for thinking that way. many of the people who are more intelligent than i am simply don't function.

oh dear lord am i a geek. i just considered this in terms of rpg type stats. maybe my intelligence is only fifteen, but my charisma is eight and my wisdom is twelve. you have an intelligence of twenty five, and are practically a god, but have a wisdom of eight and a charisma of two. (and you *know* that all rpg characters end up that way, since geeky middle school boys figure charisma counts for nothing since they have none.) honestly i'd rather be me.

wait, here's how i figure my stats:
strength- 13
dexterity-10
intelligence-15
wisdom-12
charisma- 8
that's right. my example was actually supposed to be accurate. now i've seen yet another facet of my geekiness... hmmm. looks like i have to be a magic user of some sort. i'm thinking maybe psionics. *grin* ew!! geek!! i'm a geek!!!

oh, and if i didn't already feel geeky enough, today i was attempting to remember my c++. it was mostly just a joke, but my memory was sort of getting somewhere, actually. argh. although i wrongfully attempted to increment a boolean, which is just plain stupid. well, i named the boolean after a person and forgot to keep her type in mind. meanwhile i had two other people declared as a perfectly good integer and double, but did i increment them? noooo. aah!! i'm such a geek!!! *hides her head in shame*

where was it that i read that geekiness transcends genre? something about how math geeks, science geeks, music geeks, computer geeks... all geeks have the same personalities regardless of subject. i can believe it, too, since i seem to slide effortlessly into every geek position there is. bleh. bad me.

i can't remember where i read this next thought either.... someone expressed that they were always considered one of the bright kids in school, and were treated as though they could do things others couldn't, but that they felt in the end that it wasn't about superior understanding, but merely superior memory. that could so easily be me. well, i do think i have high comprehension, but really the most spectacular thing about me is my memory, and really that tends to be worthless. i'm just bitter still since i feel i can't create. ick. get me out of this rut.

i always feel like people expect me to be brilliant and i have no way of actually keeping up with their idea of me. whenever people give even silly logic tests and whatnot, i tend not to do well. i still score high on stupid iq tests and things like that, but i think it's merely because i work very quickly. basically i read quickly, i analyze quickly, and i remember a lot, but i don't do anything *well.* of what bloody use is that to anyone?? i do have occasional good thoughts in terms of problem solving, actually. i'll have moments of insight, but for the most part if i ever get anything done it's just because i have an insane amount of patience and a lot of persistence.

i never synthesize things of meaning. or i try and it just comes off as trite and clichéd to me. i don't even think i think well. which means i constantly feel inferior when compared to people i meet lately. i'm beginning to think i need to go find some stupid people to hang out with for a month. =Þ eh. stupid people won't associate with me, though. my speech is too obnoxious to be borne.

i think the thing that most gets to me is that i have no academic courses in anything that holds meaning for me. in the past few years i've had about five classes that i really felt like i had any learning from. i feel as though i'm getting tremendously stupider because i'm not studying academics, only music. and i'm not even at a conservatory. i shudder to think. i think it's getting to the point where i just can't keep up with anyone anymore because i've had three years of nothing. blargh. so i know all there is to know about music theory. what good does that do me?? when is *anyone* going to need my knowledge of the odd scalar chords scriabin created? hello? usefulness?

at this point i feel like i've gone so far as to lose my basics. "how is this spelled?" "what on earth was the quadratic formula again?" "how did i ever conjugate the subjunctive anyhow??" i feel completely ignorant. i'm losing everything i used to take for granted. and i have no motivation to try and go out and get books to relearn since i hate book learning. it's odd... i love reading, but not when i'm ostensibly learning from it. i can't mix my education with my relaxation? odd, considering how much i enjoy education.

i don't know... it's a form of laziness. i'll go to every class (well, i have good attendance, but i must admit that when i'm low on sleep i do miss on occasion) there is, even when i have seventeen classes in one semester. (although i was exhausted a heck of a lot that semester.) i'll pay attention even in boring lectures. i'll read the book if i have to, as long as i'm *in* a course, but no way in hell can i ever just read a text book. well, that's probably not all that uncommon, but i still wonder, since i keep saying i want to learn.

i just feel like i was so capable at one point, and i'm not any longer. i feel like a fool, then i engage in conversation with people who seem brilliant. am i shooting myself in the foot? then on occasion i get approbation from these people, and i can't help but think that i must have just stumbled in a vaguely applicable direction.

no. see the problem is that whenever i think i've come up with something of interest it's ignored, but on occasion i'll write something i think is relatively valueless and then be praised for it. maybe it isn't me. maybe it's just because everybody else who's near me completely eclipses me. every once in a while i'll come up with something... and i'll think it's so valuable... and maybe my frame of reference is just totally off. *shrug* i just feel like i don't know up from down. my sense of humour seems off, my philosophies are not of interest, my life is at least as boring.

i managed to make the stupid french blog look decent today... maybe i'll actually put some effort into this one soon. i hate it right now. and i'm not fond of what i write. or even what i think. bah! commence banging head into wall . . . . now.

it's all just a transient thing, really. when i get back to school and i'm surrounded by people who aren't supergeniuses, i'll feel better. let me talk to sarah. she thinks i'm clever. heh. i've deceived the masses over at school. whooo. pardon me while i smack myself around for being stupid and mean to myself. ooh good. self-flagellation in diary form. go me.

good night.
posted by Unknown at 1:46 AM

 
so today the carpet person returned rather unexpectedly. good thing he waited until three or else i might just have been lazy enough to still not be dressed for the day. (i stayed up until seven twenty or so reading something completely useless. *sigh*) in any case, this time it wasn't just carpet guy. he brought an assistant named ricky who told me he was sixteen, i think. he was sort of funny, actually, and talked like mad. i've never been teased so much by someone i just met before in my life. ended up being fairly interesting.

so of course when the two of them showed up i was on the computer. what else do i do with my time of late? anyhow, so i was actually in the middle of a conversation and attempting to still pay attention while i was continually walking away from the computer and moving furniture. things got more interesting as i attempted to keep up. first i had to get rid of my chair, then they rolled the carpet right up to the desk, then i ended up entering some amount of gibberish due to having the keyboard fall off the drawer combined with my attempts to catch it.

anyhow.... so this led to ricky (the sixteen year old assistant) asking numerous odd questions about what i was doing online, what i usually do online... oh, i see you have diablo... (debi's. not my addiction, thankfully.) anyhow, this somehow led into an hour or so of, "but you never know who you're talking to and maybe you're being stalked." (yes, this is bloody likely.) twenty minutes of odd suppositions... "maybe that guy you talked to is actually howard stern. or bill clinton. or my gym teacher." ten minutes on the benefits of a stun gun when facing a larger opponent... "i could take down a 250 lb linebacker if i had a stun gun!" a half hour of odd assertions... "actually, that's *me* you were talking to. you know how i have this cell phone? well every time i go outside to the truck...." and then my attempts to actually argue with this ridiculousness... "ok, so if you are the guy i'm talking to, then i'm not afraid. i think i could take you in a fight." "not if i had a stun gun." *snerk*

meanwhile, to mix it all up, ricky was throwing in frequent assertions that bill (the *original* carpet man) was studly. bill seemed somewhat confused. it was so random and just overwhelming, but highly amusing nonetheless. then debi got home, and ricky preceded to warn her that i must be carefully watched. my internet habits, you know. i'm dangerous. or something.

in any case, everything is back to normal now, and the carpet no longer flies. darn! hopefully though, this means legend will quit whinging when i try to put him in his cage at the end of the night. i think having it across the room freaked him out. we started keeping him in the bathroom to attempt to placate him, but he still whinged, and then it was right next to my bedroom. even more thrilling.

well, so after that debi and i actually did the laundry. ok, let's be more precise. i did the laundry. debi drove to the laundromat and paid for it. that's basically the breakdown. i hauled her whole wardrobe (and my two loads of wash [dark and not quite as dark, therefore "light"]) up the stairs, stashed it in the car with difficulty, and loaded the machines, added the money, and folded a decent portion of her clothes as well as all of mine. then i hauled it all back into the car and back downstairs. bleargh. debi has way too much clothing. we did ten loads of wash. (including the two of mine.) the whole process took about two and a half hours. bleh. way too much trouble for laundry. wish i were back at school.....

so for a couple rather stupid reasons i decided to fuddle around a bit, and i created a new blog. it's all in french, and i just wanted to see about sticking one on a free provider, then maybe futzing with formatting. so if i fuddle with that one, maybe i can learn and fix this one, since it looks awful. in any case, i also get to see if i can attempt to update it with some frequency and actually practice writing in french, since i'm so terrible at it. wish i had more opportunity to practice speaking, too, since that'd make my ego feel better about my inability to spell...

midsummer colds suck, and i'm congested and unhappy. so of course being the genius that i am, i consoled myself by drinking chocolate milk. brilliant. now i can hardly tell i have a nose due to further increased congestion. wait wait. i can bring this line of thought over to "i miss school" quite effectively! ahem... "if cara were here she'd have zinc lozenges, vitamin c pills, that awful orange powder stuff, and special tea and all... i'd be better in no time. (or i'd keel over and die from all the nasty remedies.) i wish i were still living with cara. i miss school."

*grin* i'm so good at this game! "look, i bought a kumquat," "my steering wheel is too hot," and "hey, this shirt is fading" are all thoughts i can convert over to "i miss school" within a matter of seconds. i think i'm even getting better at this game than i was last month. by the end of the summer i'll be pro... "hi! i'm steve." "i miss school."

only nineteen days until i give notice at work. only twenty four days until i leave utah. *grin* i wonder if i can stretch my laundry out to last twenty four days? ooh, i love a good challenge.

meanwhile, tomorrow i'll get paid, i'll practice, i'll wave good bye to debi for the weekend, and i'll have my last day of laziness before four more days of work. whoo. i love k mart. if i say that enough, i'll believe it. =Þ

debi told me today that she can't express to me how glad she is that i'm here with her right now. she said that if i wasn't, then she'd probably have to take mom up on her offer of coming out here. (oh! the horror!) it's odd, because i don't feel like i'm doing all that much. well, actually, i'm doing live in maid service for the unambitious. i was going to actually get over my personal issues and attempt to cook debi a real dinner soon... went so far as taking a steak (eek!) out of the freezer, but then realized debi can't chew anything yet. what on earth am i supposed to be doing for her anyway? she's still subsisting on yoghurt, ramen, overcooked macaroni and cheese, and applesauce. flargh. i feel like i'm rather useless. there's really little you can do for someone when their entire mouth is on fire with pain, but they've already taken medicine, and they're just waiting for it to kick in. i hate feeling useless. hate hate hate.

in any case, i'm still in a good mood, i'm still bored to death, and i'm still stuck here broke. hum. maybe it'll all magically change tomorrow. :) g'night.
posted by Unknown at 1:10 AM

 
i finally got the stereo back in the living room and plugged in. it's amazing how much good a little music does for my mood. i finally even moved it so that i can fuddle with it while still sitting at the computer. yes, i'm just that lazy. been listening to poe for the past few hours. *sigh* i really love music i can sing with, and i'm really fond of her stuff. which is odd, since i don't have much else in my collection that sounds like this, but hello is one of my favourite cds. high enough on the list that i brought it to utah with me, an honour only attained by about fifteen cds.

now i know why the livejournal people always have that what i'm listening to section. seems always to be on my mind. well, doesn't work for claws, though, apparently. i was looking at hers today, and almost every time she posted an entry she happened not to have any music on. *grin* that wouldn't ever happen to me. at the very least there's something infecting my brain at almost any given moment. although sometimes what's in my head is spectacularly bad. like the velveeta commercial... or just last night.... i got a k mart commercial stuck in my head for most of the last hour of work. made me want to throw things. "check out our new selection of ladies shortalls and skirtalls...." what in the heck are those things, anyhow?? and it sounds *so* stupid. i have no respect for k mart advertising, really. *sigh*

i got a postcard kathryn sent to me from paris today. *shooting waves of envy* before she left she went through this bunch of commonly used phrases with me and recruited me for teaching her an accent. ha. like that would really work in a one hour or less session. she said in the card that people told her she sounded french--i'm thinking this has got to be a big time flirting attempt, since she looks like a model, and the french are like that.

wow. apparently this thing cost her four francs forty to send to me. that's rather a lot for a postcard. almost a dollar. hum, i'd have to check currencies to see exactly what the going rate is, but that's got to be pretty darned close to a dollar. for this piece of paper the size of a cd. hum. *shrug*

kat also said she got my birthday present, and it's something i wanted. oooh! i think i only asked her to look for two or three artists' cds. I'AM, assia and possibly jane fostin. if it's any of those three, i'm going to through hysterical fits and scream and rave for joy. wah! *huge grin* it's funny. i'm thinking to myself about it... "i'd love any of those. but especially assia. oh, but really especially I'AM, too. oh, but jane fostin's stuff is just my favourite..." *grin* i love music.

tomorrow is day two of three consecutive days of pointlessness and not working this week. whoo fun. i really hope that a) i can get my paycheck on friday and b) i can actually cash it someplace. otherwise things get messy, i think. argh. the last time i worked at k mart you could just get checks cashed at the bank of new york. please let that sort of thing be arranged here. *crosses fingers*

debi says we have to do laundry tomorrow. she's procrastinated from doing the laundry for two and a half weeks now. how does she have any clothes left? *shrug* actually mom sent her some shirts in the mail. i suspect that's the only reason debs is still wearing clean clothes. heh.

laundry is one of those odd things for me. i hate doing it because of all the hauling involved generally, but immediately after its done i feel quite content. i love having my whole wardrobe cleaning and having the choice of wearing whatever i want. i think it's because i like self-expression through outfits to some extent, and when you get to the end of the pile that just doesn't happen.

i should do something productive tomorrow. i should do something productive period. blah. wasting my life online. well no, i still won't say that. there are worse guilty pleasures one could have. and i'm actually thinking and learning to some extent. ok, not much, but here and there i find something. *sigh* i'm good at justifying what i want, aren't i? i seem to always have a ready excuse. aiee, how sad.

in any case, i should hopefully be up to practicing again tomorrow. couldn't today. the four splits in my lip from two days ago were still quite noticeable, and the two on my bottom lip actually ended up swelling slightly. *frown* not good. i think it's getting better though throughout the day. of course now that i'm thinking about it i'm testing my lip with my teeth. guaranteed to mess up any progress. that's just brilliant of me. argh. genius girl.

ok, so since my sister has discovered her diabetes, she has had to give up the sodas she really enjoys... she's been drinking nothing but water and fresca of late. now i'm sitting here looking at the fresca bottle... no carbohydrates in the soda. no calories. hardly any salt. what is actually in this? ah yes. aspartame. thrilling. i think debi must be drowning in aspartame by now. i'm sure this is all tremendously healthy, too.

i've often heard older people discuss how your health is everything. it's funny how the time in your life when you set up all of your health habits generally is a time of life in which you feel pretty much invincible and never give thought to these things. i wonder what the future holds for me in terms of wonderful health issues. the rest of my family hasn't done so well. and i'm prone to taking on stress and not dealing with it well. bad me.

aah! put my hand down and unexpectedly found legend already there. *mutters* don't want a dog. no dogs. never no. today he resumed one of my least favourite of his habits: licking my pants. why?? *sigh* no dogs. cats. *nodnod* considerations granted to other animals that don't lick me, scratch me, jump on me....

i'm tired and feeling unproductive, unworthwhile, and just lazy. bleh. i miss mason and late night practicing from ten until two or whatever. but it won't be any fun anymore next semester. essena's gone. *sigh* wow. orchestra just won't be the same. how awful. i need to write her. too bad i left the address at home.

i should be writing all of my friends. what holds me back? i'm just awful at writing things, and i'm not sure why. i think it ties in with my perfectionism somehow. i'm afraid to sound at all stupid, so i never actually manage to send out letters... this has been around in my thinking from elementary school. i never used to be able to write book reports, even in third grade. and current events in middle school. the only time i write well is when i have french assignments, actually. i think because i'm more worried about grammar and vocabulary than about content. someday i'm going to get over the perfectionism. of course then my playing will take a dive, i'm sure. hum. not like i'm playing perfectly now either. i wonder if it honestly would make a difference.

okay. up to last song on the album and i started the album over again just a bit after i started writing this. damn, but i sit here forever, staring blindly, close to falling asleep at the desk. why? i could change my routine and not be dead tired when writing this. i wonder if i find it easier to write now though, since i'm not as concerned about perfection and brilliance when i can't see straight. huh. and i thought i was a night owl. apparently i'm a lightweight.

i suppose also that if i changed my routine it might mess things up, and i've been pretty darned regular with this. i think that's partially what i was trying for. i've never been able to keep a diary or journal before, and i think having at least some routine in my life is somehow healthy or comforting. we discussed routine in sociology and how it causes us to ignore so much of life... we spent one class walking. mr. chipetine's an odd guy, and he wanted us to feel and appreciate the actual act of walking. we spent forty minutes in the courtyard walking at an extremely slow pace while we were supposed to be in a quasi meditative state. works well for most teens, i'm sure.

ok, i've overstayed the album. heh. good job on giving yourself a limit, dear. *yawn* well, now that i'm even closer to quasi dead, i think i'll finally give up on coming up with anything of interest. yeah, interest. right. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 2:13 AM

 
another fun day of work. we were missing a person today, so two of us covered the whole department. i hate that. it's out of control. it went all right, mostly because we just ignored the entire mens department until tennish. *sigh* yet again i feel as though i'm doing entirely too much work for such a thankless and pointless job. plus i still haven't gotten paid, so i'm bitter. with that said, i have nothing to complain about as i'm not working again until saturday. i think i'll drop in on friday and get my bloody well overdue first paycheck, thank you muchly. tomorrow will be four weeks from when i started. i should bloody well have something to show for it by now.

i keep having this mental fascination with getting fired. i almost want to because then it would mean i'd stop working, but it wouldn't be my choice. as if that would somehow absolve me of guilt. the only thing is that i absolutely cannot afford to do this because i don't think i want that sort of thing on my employment record. i just want to get out with enough money to get by for the first bit of college, and hopefully i'll work at the library next semester. and maybe i'll get generous birthday gifts from relatives since twenty one is theoretically a big deal. or so one is told.

debi told me today that she's thankful that i'm here with her, and said she didn't know what she'd do without me. i think the fact that she expressed this sentiment means that she's getting better, as previous days have demonstrated that by the time eleven thirty rolls around and she picks me up from work, she is generally in so much pain that she isn't much civil. i didn't really know what to reply to her, but considering this conversation took place going about seventy five on the main highway with both windows open, i don't think my lack of response was much noted. heck, i didn't even hear all of the tail end of her speech.

theoretically one should be up early tomorrow as the carpet guy should be coming back and returning the apartment to normalcy. too bad, i've kind of gotten to like the floating floor. it's classy. or something like that.

legend will be pleased at any rate. when i go to bed he's been whinging so much that i can't figure out what to do. i keep moving him from one room to another in an attempt to placate him. last night i tried for a half hour to find a suitable arrangement before giving up out of apathy and exhaustion. i just didn't want debi to be awakened at that hour due to excessively loud whinging and some barking. plus that neat trick he was doing with all the oddball clicking sounds coming from the bathroom. haven't figured that one out yet.

i've been contemplating when i should leave k mart. i was thinking i should get the thursday before my departure as the last working day possible. that way i'd have the last weekend free, and i'd have time to pack. and really, who wants to drag this out any more than necessary? wish i had even a quasi meaningful job. *sigh* so i'm saying the ninth of august will be my last day... wow! that's only three more weeks. oh. jeez. that means i have to put in for leave next week. and i haven't gotten paid yet! how whacked out.

i guess time is flying. or comparatively. which is certainly good considering how bored i am of late. debi got out some more library books on her way back from work. i still haven't found where this library is, plus i have no card, so i can't take anything out anyhow... *sigh* in any case, debs got out a robin mckinley book, which i figure is quite probably worth my time. on the other hand, she also got out two or three romance novels. i don't understand that. my sister is in a relationship and as far as i know is certainly not celibate. why does she still read that stuff? i thought it was for lonely housewives or something. *shrug*

oh. more randomness... apparently i don't look my age. today i was working with this other girl, tori. she asked me if i was still in high school. i told her i was going into my last year in college, and she was taken aback. she asked me my age. she seemed extremely shocked when i told her. i suggested that perhaps i looked sixteen, and she seemed to agree with that when i thought i was being sarcastic. of course it turns out she's sixteen, so that might affect her judgement. oh, and she looks older than i do, i think. but i think it's because she does makeup-y things.

i can understand wanting to look older when you're sixteen, but really whenever people do that, it doesn't look flattering even if it does add a look of maturity. somehow it looks all plasticky. a lot of people at work have that look. a tan that looks like it came from within a building.... hair that is obviously carefully gelled, styled, perhaps even coloured or permed... makeup that is a bit too obvious or in colours that i can't understand....

no wonder i was never good at being in the popular crowd. this is what they all did, and i can't bring myself to do it. i wear makeup on occasion, yes, but damned if i'm going to do it every day of my life. i'd like to think i don't need to do it, either. of course i seem to be supernormally lucky with my hair and face and whatnot. fussing and washing three times daily with odd soaps, or using odd hair serums doesn't seem to actually help at all, in any case, so i don't bother and i still look fairly normal.

my high school sociology teacher once discussed these gender beauty issues... he said that the amount of time the average female loses in a life time vs. male in terms of primping was probably somewhat contributing to difficulty in advancement in work and life in general. actually if you consider financial issues, too, it certainly is possible that all this idiocy leads to a lower standard of living. hmm. if one attempts to make it as a professional business woman, then one is probably spending hundreds of dollars per year on this stuff. always have to have proper looking nails, expensive haircuts, insane pricing on makeup... as compared with men who seem to be able to get away with murder in this society.

even in lower echelons of society there has to be some impact. well, unless you get to the weird homeless people who make signs that you can't understand and wait outside seemingly not begging for money, but trying to make some obscure political point that no one can follow because your sentences look like random mix and match. the weird old sign lady in georgetown has given me new perspective on the many kinds of weird you can find out there.

i'm not happy with this whole beauty arrangement. not like i'm doing well in following it anyhow, but i'd like to see all the guys out there have to put in the ridiculous effort we're all supposed to come up with, even for a week. it would be so enlightening. national male beauty week. sound good? let's go with the rest of nature and have the guys forced to adorn themselves with ridiculous, colourful idiocies while the females can sit back, dress in neutrals and watch the show. *grin*

ok, so that would be evil. but i'd love to see a whole bunch of guys confused as heck, stuck in a bathroom and trying to figure out how to use eyelash curlers, which to me have always looked like a medieval torture device. i want to see how many guys are brave enough to wave all this crap around their eyes as they try to define lashes, line eyes, and blend. *snerk* really, what an idiotic concept. "here, let put this pencil as close to my eye as i can possibly handle without blinding myself." *sigh* fashion is a stupid industry. oh. and curling irons. no. just no.

meanwhile, i actually enjoy putting on makeup on occasion, but i think it's yet another facet of me mocking myself. i do odd things with my makeup anyhow. no, silver is not a natural colour, but it matches my outfit. no. really. no. okay fine. it's a good thing i don't go through all of this very often, because when i do it's frightening. oh, and i never use hairdryers or any other stuff like that on my hair, regardless, so when i do try something with my hair, results are interesting.

last year i discovered a whole new way of curling hair completely by accident. i just got bored to death, actually. i was sitting audition desk for a few hours, and i decided that i'd tie all of my hair in knots to pass the time. end result was scary looking, and i think i might have single-handedly dissuaded some people from coming to my school. eek. later on i took the whole thing out and found that i looked like even more of a freak. note: when you have enough hair for three people, you do *not* want it to be curly.

volume? what's that? volume you say? do i need these oddball serums, sprays, mousses and mists? no. just curl my hair. suddenly it was four times the size of my head. meanwhile people thought it looked nice. damn it, this is not texas. get some taste people before i decide i need to leave society entirely.

ok, so that was mean, but one of my friends, aaron, seems to think i look better when my hair can't fit through a doorway. *shrug* some people are weird.

meanwhile, this is quite the long blather on something i thought i didn't even care about. hum. maybe i'm deluding myself and i secretly have this intense desire to be shallow, superficial and preoccupied with looks. *grin* whoo boy and it shows. yup, i'm only working at k mart for the snappy red vest which adds depth to anyone's wardrobe.

well, i guess i'm done with boredomfest for now. should have gone to sleep long ago, but i just have too much energy after work. *yawn* apparently that's not a problem now. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 2:21 AM