interesting day today. lots of good things and bad things. i went out to dinner with my sister. some random place that is obviously wanting to be quite chic. which isn't bad in and of itself. it was nice enough. they make much better rice and beans than i do. *grin* debs and i spent some time together. maybe as much as three hours. more than usual, at any rate.

i talked to my old roommate, cara. i miss her so much. *sad smile* but it'll only be a month until i see everyone again. cara says she got a car. now i think at least half my friends have cars. hmm. i wonder if i'm about to become a mooch.

midnight snack at one thirty consisting of nothing but green beans. does that make me weird? well, i do have something like twelve dollars worth of frozen vegetables to get rid of. *rolls eyes*

finally got to go the payson library myself today. consequently i have verified that they do in fact have Absolutely Nothing of Interest. blergh. i ended up taking out two marion zimmer bradley novels as the only attempt at something i'd be at all interested in. well, i did also buy an l.e. modesitt jr. novel. which i'm going to save for the plane ride home. like i'll be able to read at three am. hmm.

debi dropped by to see rob at work twice while we were out today... i didn't feel like staying in the car for ten minutes and doing nothing, so i stepped onto the overly immaculate, manicured lawn of novell and just decided to lay down. i overheard rob vaguely "... your sister...." *debi replies something* "... doesn't look..." i think i know why i like black clothing. i can lay down full on the ground in a dress and not worry about grass stains. :) debi later told me he was wondering what in the heck i was doing. "doesn't look like she's reading anything..." "she looks like she's just staring at the ground."

i really want to get at least a disposable camera before i leave. i wanted to take a picture of the novell building with the mountains in the background. has the potential to be a beautiful shot, really. and the view from the bus stop when the sky is looking just right... and today debi was lying down on the carpet (freshly vacuumed! yet again!) with legend curled up in front of her, and it was absolutely the most adorable thing....

i think the reason i want pictures so much is that i'm not so much enjoying it here, but i want to look back and think i was retrospectively. *grin* yup, i'm weird.

today i had this intense desire to get out my sketch pad and attempt a self portrait. i still want to actually. but it's a bit late. i ended up having a splendid argument in irc, instead. on american education vs. european education and morphing into other things a bit, too. we ended up in political territory as usual, discussing merits of freedom vs. equality. i like that argument, but i'd really rather not argue over text. it drives me slowly mad. gets quite stilted, really. and if you don't type quickly enough then you lose the argument no matter how poignant your points.

i never used to be so emphatic in arguments... i'm not sure what's changed/changing, but today i was just ranting... i think i ended up contributing three quarters of what was being said for a while. i talk sooo much. and lately it seems like it isn't always logic driven, which tends to want to bother me, but i can't let it.

i still don't know if i'm more a logic based or emotion based person. when i take the keirsey temperament tests or whatnot i end up switching between intp and infp every other time. and generally i'll be split eight to ten or something like that. i sometimes wonder if my logic is just posturing and posing in an attempt to fit in with those i want to be my intellectual peers, but whom i suspect are actually over my head. if these are just assumed characteristics then it's quite possible they won't hack it in any case. but i'm not emotional enough all the same to really say...

hmm. i think i'm too much a jack of all trades. i end up being fairly proficient in everything, but it seems almost to make me not really me in some way. i have such a divided self. and all the things i'm supposedly so good at.... my strongest talents... still subpar. i argue in favour of well roundedness in terms of personality, but now i'm looking at my roundedness in terms of knowledge and talent and thinking it's a waste. hmm. i always contradict myself. well, except not always, because then that would be too consistent for me to pull off. and that argument right there is another contradiction. damn, that's almost my best strength. :)

i just want to get out and meet more people. i feel like seeing others and knowing who they are will help me understand humanity in general and perhaps myself specifically. or as i've speculated before, it's quite possibly the other way around: having others know me and understand me will help me understand as well. as it is i just keep thinking these same thoughts and staring in the mirror both literally and metaphorically each day and wondering what i should be seeing.

i wonder if my theories on empathy extend to intelligence... i always seem to experience what it seems others are feeling along with them, as if i'm sharing their emotions... i sometimes think that being around more intelligent people can make me sound more intelligent. as if i'm sharing their brain. oh, heh, well it isn't as though anyone ever said i did that. :)

half the time i think it's a matter of rising to what is expected of me, but i think half the time if i'm completely in over my head i just give up out of despair. if you're twice as smart as i am (no, you can't bloody quantify this way, but i'm not going to fardle around attempting to find a real handle on how it works) then i may be able to actually make up for myself somehow and come off as actually witty, but if you're four times as intelligent as i am then i end up writhing on the floor, disabled and ashamed.

and yet i have this morbid fascination with those whom i feel i can never measure up to. in all areas of specialty. i can never match anyone in their field, but i persist in attempting to understand. i almost wonder if it's just foolishness and egotism. which is an odd thought, since i'd claim that i'm the last one to really have egotism kicking around back there in the brain.

i place way too much importance on intelligence. i was taught to respect knowledge and cleverness as king. i had the silent example of my father. the insane competition even from second grade amongst all my peers in school. my sister's whole value system used to revolve around it. now she's grown away from it to some extent, it seems, and i feel vaguely betrayed. i don't even want to leave this ideal in some sense. and yet i really should if i want to be a healthier person. i need to accept that i can be foolish and that i'm just not as mentally strong as i used to believe.

it was so much easier when i was younger. i think because i must have developed mentally at a very early age. when we had the very beginning of our gifted program in school start in third grade i was one of only three to make it in that year, first chance. only girl, actually, which made things Not Much Fun. i'm so average now, but i used to look so good because i got to this point so quickly. now i've ceased to advance. i swear sometimes i think i was as clever in fifth grade, at the age of ten, as i am now with that time doubled.

i don't know where my standards should be, but where they are doesn't work for me. i just place myself under the bootheel of oh so many people whom i have so much respect... which would be a good thing, but i give them so much respect that it almost hampers me. it almost reminds me of india's caste system. weird analogy... but jenna was telling me about how they had a picnic there. they had rather a lot of left overs, and decided to give it to some local boys who were around playing. a couple of the boys were of the brahmin caste, and despite the best efforts of everyone, including the two boys, the others wouldn't touch the picnic stuff until the upper caste boys finished.

human worth really shouldn't be based on intelligence. or strength or agility or charisma or appearance... the conversations on possible benefits of eugenics that are going on at the brunching board right now... it's so wrong. even if you could quantify intelligence... even if you could quantify intelligence in foetuses... there are other credentials which we really can't ever measure, and which most probably aren't a matter of nature, but nurture. and one wonders if our values aren't bringing us toward phasing out this sector of humanity. so many people seem to place their faith in things that are important, yes, but somehow not eternally significant.

beauty is a huge one. beauty fades. strength too is lost over time. even intelligence fades as we pick up the symptoms of old age. and none of these are as important as things we cannot ever measure in any human genome. i believe in some sort of soul, i think, and i'd vote for people with beautiful souls and average intelligence over these superhuman people who are beautiful and brilliant, but lack depth. not that this seems a common phenomena in those i meet, but it frightens me that perhaps others might not notice this lack when faced with other more overwhelmingly popular ideas of personal strengths.

the whole notion of soul gets bogged down in so many stupidities, i find. some more ridiculous than others. i don't believe in concepts of soul mates or some sort of complete metaphysical completion, that's perhaps not as far fetched as some other ideas. i tend to totally discard ideas of wraiths, spirits, and whatnot, also. i can't even seem to recall some of the other ideas i've encountered which seemed completely manufactured and downright silly. i think i refuse to retain things that i feel are idiocies. hmm. must remember one. just one... i suppose stealing others' souls would be a good one.

when i was younger i used to think the soul was another internal organ. i pictured it as grey and whitish and stripey, and somewhere around the area of your liver. *grin* i suppose my mental image now is more one of an aura of light. although that seems like a crock to me, too. i should stop attempting to come up with a physical manifestation, as that seems inherently opposed to the actual concept. our darned culture focuses too much on requirements of vision in order to attain belief or faith.

bugger faith. bugger truth, bugger belief. we all know so little, and then i find that even what we know is subjective truth or personal truth or even unsubstantiated truth. think what you want. believe that secretly slugs are sentient and more advanced than the rest of the universe. believe that your nose is actually not a natural phenomena, but a device implanted from birth by the government to monitor you. believe that water is actually a living breathing organism with a will of its own. believe whatever you want. in the end knowledge seems to count for naught in any case. nothing is real, all is perceived reality. and in the end i tend to find it all too easy to reject every thought i have. all i know for sure is what occurs inside my own head, and as i've repeatedly demonstrated, that doesn't stay fixed either.

i think i've been engaged in argue mode too long, and unfortunately i have no one i can have a nice, satisfying personal debate with. blarghing text environments blarghing suck. i wish truth had value. i wish emotion had value. i wish my arguments had value. but really it all just passes by and is replaced by the next in line, and no matter what is said or felt or discovered, it never comes to the full strength or power it should or could attain. and if it comes close then i'll go ahead and argue that ideas deserve no power due to their very transience and instability as well as lack of proof.

i wish i knew what i was talking about. i wish others did. i wish someone could tell me if i'm making sense. i wish i could find someone who thinks somewhat like i do. i just want to be legitimated just like so many others. and it's not something you find effortlessly, or really at all in most cases. i wish that when i thought i was being clear, i could actually be making sense to others who don't have my frame of reference. i wish i were objective. i wish i were a rich man. *grin* i'd better go. g'night.
posted by barbara at 1:46 AM

 
i finally got to pay my sister back today. this makes me happy. and i talked to my father for the first time in two weeks. which was also good. we must have talked for at least an hour and a half... a lot of it was about my future, (school, career, etc.) when i explain to him what i want from life and why i think it will work i feel as though i'm bullshitting. i don't know why. i guess because that's what mom thinks of my ideas. but i give dad my rationale and logic and he accepts them. *sigh* i'm just having a phase where i continually realize how my early life has messed up my thought patterns.

this has seemingly been my month for lack of self worth, and so i've been trying to figure out where it's all coming from. then i get bitter about things i remember from childhood. basically i think i shouldn't dwell on it, though.

today i was being very nice to legend. petted him and whatnot. debi said i was scaring her. *grin* maybe i should try more often, then.

debi said we should go out to dinner tomorrow. i think she feels badly about not doing anything with me, or heck, even seeing me. sounds good to me, but i don't really care much. i just want to be home now. well. hmm. not home. long island isn't entirely home, really. i'm just so sick of being here. and i'm sick of hearing myself whinge about it. today i was thinking about that weirdo odd stat... the one that says guys think about sex however often. something insane. dunno. i was thinking i'm like that with school. bleh on me.

i'm too tired to write anything coherent. which is so lame considering i spent yesterday watching a couple people remain eloquent through complete lack of sleep. eh. i'm a wimp.

i'm sick of this. sick of looking at myself saying and thinking the same things every day. it seems like i can almost reach a limit on what there is of me right now, since i'm so confined, and after that limit i'm just on repeat for a bit. big fat bleh on that one.

ok, i'm up way too late looking through what other people are capable of thinking and arguing well. hmm. and i recently found an "old" post of mine... and i bother me. and that's only three months or so old, and already i think i'm completely off base. maybe it feels like i always think the same things, but it looks like they transmute with extreme speed. hmm. well it seems i don't always bother me...

i wonder sometimes if intelligence fluctuates by day. at the very least ability to articulate yourself well certainly seems to. sometimes i can almost like me as well as i like my friends. which is actually saying a lot, i guess. i should lower my standards a bit, because i think i'd make a good friend, but i still wonder....

a lot of the people i associate with and i respect most have nowhere near as much admiration or liking for themselves as i do for them. i wonder if most people would befriend themselves if they met themselves. personally i can't see liking myself upon first meeting me, but i think i'd be good once i knew me. *grin* odd thought. the issue is that i like who i am inside, but i hate who i look like on the outside. i know that i'm a good person in terms of morals as well as other qualities, but i can't see any of this evidenced in my interactions with most people. i know my friends love me and i can come close to understanding that, but what i don't understand is why people like me when they meet me. although in a few cases here and there i've managed to actually be up to my standards around people even from the start. damn. i have standards for that? eek.

my father told me again today that he thinks i'm a good person and said that he hopes that what he sees as my positive qualities end up working out for me, or something to that effect. my father is such an oddball. he makes these statements... it basically sounds as though he has no confidence that anything good ever happens in the world, which isn't an uncommon stance, but is odd knowing him personally.

well, i started writing this four hours ago, and i've been fuddling around ever since. i've finally wrote something lucid, but not here... in any case, i think it's time for sleep. g'night.
posted by barbara at 5:33 AM

 
i finally get a break from work. and i finally have money. and i've just stayed up until six something am for no good reason. i think because i haven't felt like i've had free time up until now and i just had to use it all. plus i've been up until four thirty or five fairly consistently of late, so an extra hour is not much. only one problem with this schedule... when i get back to new york five am will equal seven am. that's going to be an issue, eh?

spoke to anna and kathryn today, albeit briefly. makes me wish i were back home so that i could see them. *sigh* instead i'm in a basement with frightening detritus of whatever legend has most recently dismembered. i'm hoping that what's on the floor right now is pantyhose, because if not i have not the foggiest notion and this stuff is plain out scary.

i feel like i spent frivolously today. i had to spend twenty five dollars to even be able to cash my check. *sigh* stupid k mart says they cash checks on fridays and saturdays, but they lie. it's only every other friday and saturday. bleh. so i went to the grocery and in order to cash it there i needed to spend ten percent in the store. which is a lot, really. so now i have twenty seven dollars worth of frozen vegetables, cheese and rice. *rolls eyes* bloody useful, that, but i had to shop in less than five minutes in order to catch the bus.

in any case, the issue here is that i really want to buy a phone card and actually talk to people. like kat before she goes back to miami. but i don't feel like i can afford it. plus if i wait a bit longer i can probably just use mom's phone and get away without paying. mm. dilemma. bleh.

i'm almost done... almost gone... and i haven't done anything. i think it's beginning to get to me a bit. i don't even see debi except after i get back from work exhausted and then she still wants me to get her things. argh. i don't mind helping her, but when i've just gotten off work i generally have to stop myself from getting out a cleaver and chopping my feet off, so running around and getting things for debs isn't highly appreciated. darn i really want a desk job.

in any case, i had better make this short because i'm at the point where my eyes are actually unfocussing fairly frequently and just seeing a blur of light instead of words. i like the feeling, actually, but i suspect it can't be a good thing. very tired today due to about four hours sleep last night. i thought i was going to fall asleep on the bus and end up not getting off at my stop. would have amused me, actually. my head just kept falling onto my shoulder. i like that feeling of tiredness. that's sick, isn't it?

anyhow, getting close to that again now. g'night.
posted by barbara at 5:28 AM

 
one more day of work before two days of freedom. *contented sigh* i'm planning on getting up early and finally getting my check cashed and actually having money. oh my word, what a concept. i want to get a disposable camera and take pictures of this place before i go. i need to catch a mountain sunrise, my sister and rob, and that silly sign by the laundromat that says "wow! our sign blew down!"

i'll be so happy to finish work in another week and a half. it's so hard to be motivated and to keep going when your labour is so meaningless and tedious and when your boss never gives you the slightest sign of approval. the only thanks i ever get are from coworkers when i lend a hand. which is nice in and of itself, i suppose. i keep wondering though if my labour is actually considered below par, and if so, why?

i think that out of the five of us who make up night crew i'm pretty much right in the middle. one girl does little and is not liked. one girl works, but slowly and slacks slightly. i find myself continuously working, but not working efficiently, and also i tend to sit if i can on occasion. especially after the first three hours. (which i really shouldn't do because it slows me down, but darn it, i need new insoles if i'm expected to be strong and valiant by standing six to seven hours in a row.) dezeray and amanda both seem to be paragons of efficiency and technique. but they don't get compliments either. hm.

all in all i think i just want to be doing something more satisfying this summer. this job is a) completely mindless b) completely unsuited to any of my talents c) public relations! gah! d) lower paying than anything i've done before, actually. i have no real issues with d. especially since i'm talking about getting a job on campus and heavens knows you can't do better than minimum wage with that. the other three really bug me, though. eh. summer job, what do i expect?

ooh, looking at the calendar, it seems that i can't possibly have more than seven or eight working days left. *grin* i'll be back in new york soon, and i'll be attached to my own computer again. praise all the heavens.

the closer i get to being home the less i seem to be able to tolerate the remaining time. i think by next week i'll be accosting mormons on the street and making threatening gestures. =Þ

i'm beginning to consider buying rollerblades at some point. well, fake rollerblades, of course. i used to love skating, but i've never actually tried inline... if it's anything like ice skating, then i'm screwed. hm. but i was thinking it'd be a nice thing to do... i don't even know what the reasoning is behind this urge. i'm just queen random again.

i need to get out. i need to see people. i live in a bloody basement and i know two people in the whole state. argh. that just gets to me after a while. i feel bad for wanting to be gone, but really, who could blame me?

i should head off so i can get up early. ew. i have to get to work before nine thirty so that i can cash my paycheck. then i get to go right back home again. useful, that. if i fell asleep right at this moment i'd still only get about five hours sleep. blargh. g'night.
posted by barbara at 2:34 AM

 
i'm in one of those wonderful moods where i realize that all these sadnesses of life are just fleeting and almost trivial. a sort of mood where i just crack a little smile at no one in particular every few minutes without reason. i have no reason to be happy, but i am. i think i'm going to take legend outside for a bit. i love how it gets all cold at night and there are stars. unlike home.

it's amazing how much people can change in only a few years. it's also amazing that almost everyone does. i have to smile at my own demonstration today. i used to be so unsure of myself and so easily intimidated... i still am, but i think along with my ability to perform without nerves comes a new superpower. i can turn off my problems of insecurity. not at will, but i seem to pick good times.

today i worked with jerk girl again, and i've managed to completely ignore all her snarkiness. so today in confirmation of my guesses she went off and smoked over break, then we all got lectured that we aren't allowed to leave the building on break... then she tells me there's a new gang that's been started. in utah. indeed. she says the initiation is to kill someone and goes on to describe it. i laughed at her. i'm being full well snarkier than she is. because i can tell she's almost trying to impress me. and it's not working. i find this supernormally amusing. bad me.

honestly being out here makes me feel so capable. i've been brought up to be independent, and i've learned to have some confidence in my abilities. i don't look like a good target, really. i don't think i'm ever going to get jumped, and i'm pretty damned sure that i have nothing to fear from a gang in utah. honestly it's pretty hard for me to feel threatened. yes, i'm so over confident that i'm going to go down at some point, but i'm having fun, so who cares?

but so really i'm just realizing how wonderful it is to grow up and to see the world in a new light and to see others seeing new things. and to see others see a new you.

every person you meet causes another version of yourself to come into existence. my new selves are looking better and better, and it's changing my own perceptions a bit, i think. slowly though. people don't react to me the same way now.

it always used to be that i was paranormal. now people seem to be seeing me as just another part of the whole. i'm not disturbing. even in terms of looks. it odds me out how my coworkers seem to see me as just another person. which i think is simultaneously exactly what i've always wanted and what i've always tried to avoid. well, i think i always wanted to be just another person in terms of looks, but i never managed that. i'm still a bit worried i'm becoming just another person in terms of mentality, too, but i don't think that can really happen to anyone, so i shouldn't concern myself.

i think everyone always wants acceptance, and it seems to be a rather hard thing to find for many of us. especially those of us who are out here online geeking themselves away. *grin* shun the intelligentsia has always been a rallying cry for the ones who had control of the social cliques. but it works now. if you just step out on your own you can find so many people who will accept you because they realize what acceptance means. those who always had it almost miss out, consequently. it's so much more precious to have something you have earned. and doubly so when talking in terms of emotional and personal struggles.

the fight simply to be who you are is such a never ending struggle. expending so much strenght to insist that you will be yourself in the face of so many other clones... and to know to trust yourself and to value yourself. and i'm getting there.

i keep vacillating between feeling this summer has been somewhat worthless and feeling that this summer has been more valuable than almost any other. the thing is that when i consider the second option, i come up with a different tally: every single moment of my life is incredibly important. the human mind is set up to learn, and while i'm away during the summer i'm not learning about maths or literature or culture, but i'm still absorbing a lot of information. i'm a completely different person because of summers in general. somehow i think maybe the more important part of myself develops when i'm on my own.

the thing is that a good bit of the time i don't want to be alone. well, who does? i do think, though, that without time to myself i'd lose track of myself amongst the myriad swirling images of who i am that others show me daily. although at the same time i am every one of those people in a very real sense. because people have such incredible depths to them that no one person can hold all of the people they actually are within themself. we live in others. we are glorified in others. life is about others, and so i live for others. not entirely healthy, actually, but somehow more fulfilling for me at times.

i can be almost the epitome of selflessness, but in serving others i'm still serving myself. i wonder sometimes if true selflessness isn't the best way of looking after your own interests after all. i wonder at those who feel the need to harbour things for themselves, who look to always have the advantage, always the best in life for themselves... because when you clutch in that manner you lose all you seek. because retaining these things solely for the virtue of ownership causes the loss of all meaning. ok, who gave me the drugs?

i was just considering it, because my grandmother is the epitome of one who clutches to herself. and all the time she does it under the guise of giving to her family. but she doesn't because she counts and tallies everything she gives out. she cherishes her idea of giving, but there is no spirit behind it. she's an unhappy person. amazingly so. she trusts none, she values none, she places more importance on things than people. i'd rather be poor and loved than rich and bitter.

i think most of my family would argue that statement. i'm just being idealistic, they'd say. i don't think so. i can live without the perqs my long island family treasures, but i can't live with the soullessness and emptiness exhibited by at least half my relatives. they seem to think i'm a bit of a rebel. i think i'm me, and i think that's a fairly good and wonderous thing.
posted by barbara at 3:52 AM

 
i've gotten my happiness back for some inexplicable reason. i worked with the biggest jerk
ever today... didn't realize until now why no one likes her... but it didn't bother me.
*grin* she was really nasty. she wanted me to help her do her job, but asked me only a
third of the way into the shift. um. no, i'm not done with my three departments yet,
thanks. anyhow, she asked me another two times and implied that i was obviously a poor
worker for not being done in half the time allotted. *snerk* and yet you're asking me for
help? foolish mortals.

in any case, amanda and i ended up basically finishing up
her last department for her while she disappeared for twenty minutes or so. where did she
go? apparently "outside." my guess is she's a smoker. she thinks she's punk, so i wouldn't
be surprised. in any case, she also managed to insult me two more times, but what she
chose were two things that i really can't find bothersome. first she commented that it was
hard to keep her wardrobe from getting expensive. i replied i had no difficulties, and
largely i spend, what, maybe thirty dollars a year on clothes? she replied "well, i just
*have* to wear fashionable clothes!" after which i grinned like a wolf and replied "thank
you!" with endless dignity. she then acted as though she hadn't meant it that way.
*grin*

the second insult was even better actually, and really does illustrate how
your own insecurities are pawned off on others. she criticized my hair. *humongous
grin* she was commenting on how it's a pain to do in the morning blah blah blah.... and at
one point she said that if she didn't use however much pomade and whatnot, then her hair
would be as frizzy as mine is. *insanely large grin* lemme just say that number one, my
hair isn't frizzy much, number two, her hair was stringy and obviously gelled, number
three, at least mine is a real colour. *snerk* i don't need to comment on other's lacks or
imagined lacks because really, i'm just not capable of being that petty. i find it so funny
that she even tries.

oh, so after amanda and i finished pretty much doing her last
department for her, she starts talking to gina in jewelry, who's really pretty nice. she's
whinging at gina, actually. about our boss, robin. because she continually is chewed out
for not working. umm. yes, this is a surprise to you because? and then she calls robin
"that cow," which i find amusing since robin looks about twenty five and you'd think she's
a cheerleader. i just love people like this! they're so damned funny. petty people are
great to laugh at. ooh, i'm a bad person. but i tried to be nice to her. i just felt the need
to vent a bit afterward. oh, and irony in her implying i'm a bad worker when i've never had
so much as a bad report in all the time i've ever been employed
anywhere?

meanwhile, it's fun being in utah and seeing all the people who want
to be hard core or punk. doesn't work in utah. too funny. you get looked at askew for
sleeveless tops, and these people are attempting to rebel... this girl on the bus today....
smoking at the bus stop, wearing really completely inoffensive clothing, but trying to look
all bad.... with this perfect haircut to the shoulder with cute bangs. *grin* and not even
dyed blue or some other funky colour. maybe you can be punk in utah, but not in utah
county, for sure. these people have nothing to go on, i think. i feel like i'm almost an
authority here on deviant behaviour comparatively. wow, i'm engaged in full mock mode
today. bad me.

anyhow, i think maybe the reason i'm in such a good mood is the
start of my day. finally had the apartment to myself in the morning. i like that. dunno
why, but i prefer getting ready alone. *shrug* in any case, i headed off to the bus stop as
i do every other day of work, unconcerned. i reached the last block before the bus stop
when i suddenly realized i wasn't sure if i had enough money for the ride. hm... i check.
eighty cents. aah! no time to go back. hmm. crud. thought maybe i'd beg the bus driver
for twenty cents. ughh. what options do i have? not many.

so i arrive at the bus
stop. usually i'm the only one there. today, though, there is a young woman who looks
close to my age. i thoroughly search my bookbag in front of her, partially to double check
i have no more change, and partially to set up my begging. =Þ so i ask her if she has a
spare twenty cents.... she tells me that coincidentally she has exactly twenty cents extra.
she realized as she was leaving that she was slightly short, she grabbed some change from
the counter as she left and ended up exactly twenty cents over. plus she never takes the
bus. her car went into the shop just last night. not good for her, but quite the lucky
coincidence for me. i thanked her profusely, of course.

it just seemed all so
fortuitous. i don't know, made me happy somehow. which isn't to say that i'm not still
counting down the days...

i don't like long island. i'm somewhat fond of it
anyhow. i'm not really thrilled with new york, but i love it. *grin* yup, i'm weird.
anyhow, so i'll be happy to be home, i think. i miss civilization, because there is none here.
and people's attitudes... it's a nice change, but i'm not really into it. jamie says she wants
my email before i go. *grin* weirdo liberal girl has befriended a mormon. she's really
nice, though.

religion shouldn't ever really come into friendships, i think. unless
your morality is completely opposed to mine, i could care less if you're searching for
heaven, nirvana or a better rebirth. hmm. which sounded wrong. i have much respect for
people who are religious, because i think it shows strong convictions. which i suppose i
have too, but not so much in that area. or maybe i do, but they don't especially conform
well enough to one ideology to make me look religious.

i find that there are many
strongly religious people who are quite admirable, but at the same time my best friends
largely seem to be unaffiliated. or close to it. jenna, lisa, debi, essena, julia and kat all
have little religious fervor, and cara and morde'an are both unitarian universalists, plus
they don't really make a big deal out if it anyhow... leaving me with.... susan and gina. i
guess i tend to have a lot of different ideas than they do, but somehow it doesn't
matter.

friendship isn't about looking for the wrongs or differences or things to
correct. it's about being and loving and sharing. simply being is such a strong and wise
thing. yes, i'm thinking about taoism too much. but just being around my friends is
enough, even without speaking. i wish everyone could appreciate others as much as i do.
i never realized that my attitude wasn't common, but looking around it doesn't seem to be.
possibly this is because i didn't have friends for a long time, and i've learned how
wonderful people can be and how much i really need them.

that being said, i
obviously don't want to enshrine all of humanity, and there are some people whom i feel
are just sadly misled. but i have no right to condemn them, either, though it's hard to hold
back. as long as i'm not omniscient i can still be wrong and i still have to resist judgment.
plus i'm supposed to be attempting to be a better taoist.

damn, i feel like i'm too
shallow to follow the tao. too many overly profound stories... asian culture seems to
revere intelligence more than ours, so these stories all just laud people for being so all fired
wise and knowledgeable for the most part... except that then they'll also praise the
simple... it seems like taoism should be so easy, but then at the same time it also seems
ungraspable. i think i'm too preoccupied with the unimportant to really embrace much of
anything that calm. bleh on me and my worries which amount to nothing.

all i
need now is to market little bracelets, watches, bumper stickers, etc. that say, title="what would the yellow emperor do?">"wwtyed?" *grin* oh the irony inherent
in that idea. niiice. *grin*

eh, so i suppose now would be a good time to head
off to bed. g'night.
posted by barbara at 1:41 AM

 
in an effort to move away from the angst of tori amos, i've moved on to the angst of the cure. anyone else want to ridicule my idiocy? i'm really enjoying this, though... been a long time since i listened. staring at the sea--their greatest hits from before most people were aware they had hits. =Þ doesn't have lovesong, so it isn't perfect, but this stuff is nice anyhow.

today they stuck only two of us in again. blargh. i should have figured that i'd get screwed with the rampant losses in the department. didn't really seem to matter, though. worked with amanda, who is a great person, and lots of fun to talk to. i ended up helping her in her departments rather than tending to my own for a couple hours so that we could talk. which is fine since i got the easier assignment and she could have used help anyhow. just a bit upset that we stayed more than a half hour after again, plus i still can't find personnel and i still have no money.

oh, so today was pioneer day. what did that mean to me? absolutely nothing. well, except that bus service didn't run, so i was damned lucky debi was home, or else i'd have been doing some interesting fuddling. i asked debi what pioneer day was. she doesn't know either. bloody important holiday, i gather.

ooh, let's go to bed. fun song. but what do "i'm shaking like milk" and "fires outside in the sky look as perfect as cats" mean? i want to get to bed soon so that i can get up early and finally put this stuff on full volume and sing along all i want. two days in a row of unexpected still sleeping people in afternoon. bah.

fourteen days until i quit work. nineteen until i'm home. but more important than home is my computer. heh. i'll be happy to see my father again. not commenting otherwise on familial obligations. ooh, bugger. reminds me that i'll prolly have to visit ima. *rolls eyes* i better find another good outfit and dig out some makeup.

i still can't believe my last visit to ima. i think she thought i usually dress poorly or something. which isn't the case. my favourite outfits are formal, but i guess this was the first time i visited her while wearing something nice. argh. so she was all happy then, but now i feel like there's pressure that every time i see her in the future i have to look prettier and thinner. like that's happening. so silly of her, too. she claims it's because she's concerned for our health, but her actions belie that. taking me off to see her friend and ranting about how i look nice because i'm healthier? no.

i swear when i grow up i'm going to be someone's crazy relative, but never *that* kind of crazy. i want to vow that i'll always attempt to be harmless. :) and no throwing people's clothes out on the driveway.

ooh. in between days. good song. :) i love this album. hehe, i'm entirely too fond of way too many sorts of music and certainly too many artists. i seem to find value in everything in life. which is odd considering i don't seem to entirely be an optimist. but i like everything in life. heh. i like everything, but still think it isn't any good. damn, i'm the most contrary person ever. i think i just have a heart full of love and a mind full of regret. aaagh, i'm cutesy and sappy. quite.

hmm. should head off. but i'm not tired. i dislike my schedule. *frown* blarghing stupid excess energy at one, two and three am. eh, we'll try to get past it. g'night.
posted by barbara at 1:54 AM

 
i'm quite thrilled that i was wrong. hugely surprised, too. today our boss called us into the office within twenty minutes of our arrival. what we were expecting was a huge rant. what we got started out as a lecture and almost turned into a pep talk. it was odd, really. she even went so far as to tell us we made a good team and were working together well. umm. ok.

in any case, i was still right about the rest of the day. i didn't get off work until eleven forty something. bleh. schedule six hour shifts and then make them seven without allowing extra breaks. and i *still* have not gotten a single bloody hell freaking paycheck. *sigh* i asked today, and was told linda had them, but then was unable to find linda. spiffy. so i bought lunch using my debit card today. bagel, yoghurt and a cheese stick on a card. about a dollar. bloody downright pathetic. i don't even have bus fare for tomorrow. i'll have to ask debi. or look in cracks in the furniture. bloody hell. i should have earned at least two hundred fifty dollars already, and i'm scrounging for nickels. this is *stupid.*

i'm so ready to be gone. i can almost taste the plane ride. ew. stale air and bagged pretzels. i'm getting so malcontent that i think i'm getting a bit careless.

i told debi today that i think i wouldn't really want to live with her long term. she of course wanted to know why. difficult for me to even say why. well, one reason that's obvious is that i'm acting as a sort of maid service, but i wasn't bringing that up, as debs has been sick, and i'm not paying rent, so i deserve it, or something. what i finally told her is that i don't like who i am when i'm with her anymore. which is just a screwy answer. and probably my problem, not to be inflicted on her. i said that i'm a lazy jerk when i'm around her. she said she was surprised since she thought she was making me do rather a lot of work. it isn't how much work you do, though. it's the mentality.

i don't know that it's the real reason i'm not happy living with her, though. i think it's all about the disappointment of what it used to be like between the two of us. we used to be a lot closer. i think though, the reason we aren't now is that i've gone from hero worship to amiable respect. and i think i have more respect for myself than i do for her. not sure why. it just seems to me like what should be important for her isn't. honestly a lot of the issues she's having now are due to her lack of care for herself. which i can understand, as depressed people don't really care for themselves, but she has been functioning normally for a while now, and she still doesn't treat herself well. not that i do either, but not on this sort of level. i'm guilty of occasional lapses in sleep and starvation, but not much else. debi has been totally neglecting her surroundings, her eating habits, her sleeping habits, her hygiene to some extent... and i'd give a lot to know how other people can be so reckless with diet and health and still be thinner than i am. bitter bitter, yes we know.

it's all a plot to make me look more normal than i am. =Þ i think my main issue is that debi has no life outside of work and her boyfriend. maybe i'm just scared of that sort of thing. although i expect this week i'll have no life outside of work. bleh. couldn't even practice today because rob slept over and didn't get up until after i left for work. at four. bleh! not fair. my lungs are finally feeling normal enough that i could have.... and it's been i think four days. i haven't practiced berio in a long time. i'm not up to it. i don't even want to play it anymore. my only motivations at this point are a) i don't want to have to explain not doing it, b) my accompanist thought it was really cool, and c) the whole studio would freak out and die. eh. not good motives. i need to want to do it for myself, and i just don't. too hard. i don't think i can. and i forgot to bring the cd with me to listen. not that i'd want to anyhow.

i like modern music. a lot more than almost anyone i know. i like berio. this piece though.... it can be fun to play, actually, but i think under these circumstances it's just stressful. i sucked so badly when i played it through for juries. because i went too fast. as always. and i wasn't prepared enough. because i need two weeks on each page, i swear. i just don't even want to look at the piece again. argh. can i play muczynski instead?

i feel like i'm wimping out. the thing is that i could definitely manage a more difficult piece, but i don't have many options due to accompanist issues. plus i have no chance to look at anything new this summer. and really. i'm getting to the point where i don't want to be motivated by competition and all this. although that's quite dangerous because really i can't just coast if i want to stay in orchestra. not sure i'll make it anyhow.... i'd be sort of happy in wind ensemble, but if i drop to a lower ensemble... i'd be so embarrassed.... i dunno. i don't deserve to lose my seat, really. but who can tell.

i think i'm just having a period of general overall angst and worry. not sure why, though. basically i'm sitting here pouting a lot like a little girl. damn, what was that i said about respect before? i do have respect for myself, but i tend to go a bit over board on the self loathing, so it seems to cancel it all out. eh, it's all just my mood.

i'm still really anxious to get back to school, but once i get there i'm going to have a lot to cope with. going to have to change majors, change my whole schedule, quite possibly change advisors... and i need to know requirements and i can't get them. gah! i'm going to find out there's some trivial three sequence course and i'll have to stay an extra semester just for... no, i sincerely doubt it. but still... i worry, since i can't know. meanwhile, i'm trying to go through this without actually really discussing it with anyone in my family. heh. i think mom still might think i'm staying an extra semester. i wonder if i should bother asking her to show up to graduation. ooh, bad me. evil thought. of course i will. and she'll show up. and make a big show of being proud.

maybe not, though. she'll probably be happy since i'll be the daughter who actually got her degree on schedule and all, but then it's in something she thinks is useless... bugger the world. if i can't make a living doing something i want, then the world is unsatisfying as a whole. eh, like it matters if i dismiss the world. been doing it for years to no avail.

i don't like being up so late... but after i got off late, debi stopped to go shopping for a half hour... then we got home and she got on the computer for another hour... when i get a start around two, is it any wonder that i'm still up at three thirty? which would work fine at school, but i don't like it here. not sure why. maybe because it means that in my reality of new york i'm up at five thirty. iiiccck.

eh. i have nothing of value to say about anything. i haven't for a while. i'm just tired. and debi's still up. and she has to be up for work in three or so hours. *shakes her head*

oh, but i put in today for my leave starting friday the tenth. i can start counting down the days. oh. and i found out today that two people quit, and one was fired in our department. no wonder i'm scheduled so much this week. i think that even if i do muck things up a bit (which i'm not really. i just think circumstantially i look bad for some reason.) they can't afford to get rid of me. heh, but that won't help them come august. jaime, dezeray and i are all leaving. possibly amanda, too. i'm almost amused that they'll be so buggered. ha! ha! i say! serves you right, k mart! now you'll pay for your heinousness! eh, not really. i'm sure someone else will get buggered over instead.

well there's my insanity quotient for the night. happy pioneer day tomorrow. yes, it's a utah state holiday. i have no idea what the holiday means, but i know i'm still working, so blammed if i care. g'night.
posted by barbara at 2:48 AM

 
i'm just so sad. i don't know what brought it on. work was somewhat awful, and i'm worried that i'm going to be screamed at tomorrow for not finishing tonight's work, but they only assigned two people, and it makes it impossible to keep up. so i started out unhappy. now i'm just terribly lonely. and how i wish i could confide in myself, because it seems i'm a lot better listener than debi is.

basically i said that i'm just really lonely, and it's awful to realize that it's going to be like this all over again next summer and possibly for years afterward. debi's response? yeah, you think everyone else doesn't go through it? thanks. that really helps. not what you're supposed to say. i wonder sometimes if it screws things up that i know what's supposed to be said to people who are depressed. because it doesn't work on yourself. because what you really need is someone to be there for you and listen. and not someone to tell you not to worry and you'll get through it.

i just wish i had someone to talk to. but if i did, i wouldn't be lonely in the first place.

so we ended up having the most abominable amount of work left to do at the end of the night, and we've left a full day's work for tomorrow. both jaime and i are working tomorrow. and better yet, the manager of our department is closing tomorrow. and better than that even. we'll have to have everything perfect for wednesday because we're having a district manager come in that morning. and i'm going to be working tomorrow, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday and saturday. and tomorrow i'm going to come and get screamed at. i can't wait. if i don't get some sleep for tomorrow i'll probably break down and cry at bloody k mart. it's all my fault i'm so upset. i have no resistance when i haven't slept.

what i really need is a hug and some friends. the problem is that i always used to be lonely. i never had many friends until sophomore year in college, really. now i know what it's like not to be lonely, and it's ever so hard to go back.

i've been in this mood for two hours now. and i keep getting almost better, but not quite. i just feel like crying. a lot. it's so careless to be in this mood, but still talk to people. i think i might have been making disclosures that no one really needs to know. or more specifically people i don't really know don't need to know. this whole blog is more of things that i shouldn't actually let other people know. although i used to have that sort of thought more often, and i decided i was wrong. now i'm beginning to see the other side again. but i don't feel like it matters at this point. i'm tired, my eyes hurt, my soul feels sick, and i just want to sit and cry. i wish i weren't this melancholy.

everything seems so trivial and unimportant right now. and to think that i'm trying to write it out and be correct, and possibly i should spell check it and maybe stick in some font tags, and it all just looks like such a joke. i suppose i'll have to go back and fix it later, really. that's my big problem with my melancholia. i mock myself for it while i'm there just for being so bloody overdone. i feel as if i'm not allowed to be upset, somehow. but i know why that is, too.

i've been crying so long that my head is aching and i'm slightly dizzy. and it's all over nothing. i swear it has nothing to do with real life. to think that all this is just because i can't actually see and hear my friends. why? what reasoning does that have for affecting anyone? sometimes it all just seems so pointless. which is such a dangerous feeling. sort of numbness, i suppose. but a vague ache, too. the odd part is that the sadness itself saddens me. i feel like a poorly written gothic novel. i hate it. but attempting to leave sadness sometimes just feels like an abrasive, offensive notion. and then i feel like i'm just maudlin and silly for allowing myself to feel sad. damn, that's not fair. i shouldn't feel this way. anger, sadness, fear... all of them are somehow corrupted in me. but it gets to a point where i can't even be angered about that. just more ache.

i'm hoping that if i can just get it all out i can go sleep and get on with things. anesthesia. yup. that's what this stupid thing is supposed to be, anyhow. better than writing poetry. or better for me. jenna does it well. for me, i'd end up with some insanely clichéd and rather sickening tainted poetry that reads as though written by a child. maybe i could pull in a nice rhyme scheme and them i'd have to mentally puke on myself.

wow. cynicism is a great way to move past feeling. now if only i weren't so lightheaded. i wonder if this is what it feels like to be drunk. everything moves too much. i should just keep my head still. every time i've tried to stand up in the past couple hours i've stumbled. i think i'm just tired. so i should go sleep. if i can manage. we'll give it a go. good night.
posted by barbara at 1:47 AM

 
good news for today: dinner was not in a cup. bad news for today: i'm an utter moron. argh. so i'm trying to balance out spaghetti and spinach with me being stupid enough to forget that today was saturday.

i missed work because i missed the bus, because i forgot that i have to leave something like two or so hours in advance to get to work on saturdays. bah! saturdays suck! argh. so i walked out to the lonely bus stop at ten of three as usual and had the realization dawn on me just as i got there that no one else would be getting there for hours. *hits things*

so i had to call in. and i felt so embarrassed about it that i didn't want to say what actually happened, so i told the mysterious "k-1" that i felt nauseous. which honestly, i did, having to call in as i did. i dunno, but i hate doing that, and i knew they wouldn't be happy since i gave an bloody friggin' *hour's* notice. AAAAGH! i'm just vaguely angered by the fact that i could be this stupid. let me stop thinking about it.

today's quote of the day from irc is "Ne cessez pas votre course de mon personnel de force." i'd sig mr 911 for that, but no one would know what it meant. it seems like the past time of at least five brunchers is to either a) tease me to death, b) embarrass me to death, or c) offend me somehow. anyhow, so tonight's attempts were basically consisting of people sticking odd phrases into babelfish and translating into french, then pasting them in the channel.

mr 911, being who he is, was largely taking odd euphemisms for sex and translating those. *weird* results. screw doesn't have the same connotation in french, nor does sleep. anyhow, so that one was supposed to mean something to the effect of "don't stop the drive of my mighty staff," but actually ended up translating into "don't stop your running of my staff (as in "office staff") of force." ok, not a good translation, but it's hysterical in french. especially since it rhymes.

i asked him for permission to use it in a piece of musique concrète. i really really want to do something with it, and i have no idea why i like it so much. i think maybe for "personnel de force," which sounds like a high powered unstoppable task force of trouble shooters or something. in any case, it just sounds *so* good in french. *tries it out a few times* wow, *really* good. damn. i just *have* to do something with this. if i stick it in the middle of an electronic piece then it won't matter that it makes no sense. and with the way the translation worked out, you'd really never know it was supposed to be dirty. heh.

eh, i think i just need an excuse to get back in the tech lab and write some more. it took me forever when i did projects due to perfectionism, but *damn* i loved doing them. well, actually when i finished they still were never up to my standards, but i'm trying to get over that. i tried to go back and fix one, actually, but couldn't because the hard drives were so full. *scowl* if i ever end up actually having money, then i'm getting a mac in addition to my current computer to do sound work. ick. i'd need way too much money (maybe twelve hundred) to set up things to my standards, but it would be so worth it... and i think i'd rather just try and milk my current one by upping ram and getting a cd rw than get a new pc for quite a while yet. ha, maybe i'll be able to afford this someday as i don't seem to take too many other luxuries. someday.

i'm going to apply to be a proctor next semester. hopefully i'll have enough time to take advantage of this and actually get into the lab more often. i did come in for non class assignments on occasion during the past two semesters.... hmm. i wish i could take an independent study with mr. wills. i should look into that. i wish i weren't intimidated by him. it's odd, any of my classmates would probably assume that i was completely comfortable around him due to the way i acted in class, but deep down i always feel like i don't really know what i'm doing with technology and whatnot.... i was one of the best students in the class, and i always knew what was going on, and generally everyone knew that, but still i feel like a dorky, ignorant little kid. i don't really feel comfortable asking him about things, since i feel like i'm so inferior.

this is actually especially unfortunate, since of all the people in the school of music, or heck, the whole college, he's the one doing what's closest to what i want to do with my life. well, i'd have to forgo the jazz vibraphone part of his career, but still. :) and he isn't scary, either. he's really nice, and personable. i should have no problems asking about this. and i was always a good student in his class, so i have no embarrassments....

argh. i just have no self confidence. it's funny how apparent it becomes in some situations, whereas in everyday life i seem to fool so many. i still don't know how that works. it's so funny to see me act all insecure, too... i'm huge.. i'm intimidating looking, really. and then i'm standing there attempting to shrink into myself and be inconspicuous. boy does that work well. it probably looks absolutely preposterous. wish i could see it from the other side once.

in any case, i'm up way too late... don't know why precisely. especially since i was vowing i'd get to bed early tonight and up early tomorrow to straighten. i'll still have to get up early, just now i'll have no bloody sleep beforehand. stupid. eh, but i've been up to my ears in stupidity lately. at least i'm getting some amusement out of it.

mm. lemme be pathetic and try to give a silly little positive note here. my hair looks bloody perfect today. for no good reason, though, so i doubt i can replicate it. when i looked in the mirror, though, after washing my hands i just had to pause and say, "what?? that's incredible." yeah boyee. =Þ

urgh. i so don't want to go to sleep. don't know why. that is. argh. debi said that if i don't clean the kitchen by the time she gets back tomorrow, then she'll be angry. *sigh* technically it really is all my mess, but that's only because everything debi eats i get for her now. ick. shouldn't be that bad, mostly just a sink of dishes, but i just don't want to do it. i'll have to get up and put on some awfully heavy and thumping techno and just get it over with.

i just want to be on my own so that i can have my own standards again, and not these annoyances of cleaning on other people's schedules. argh. i'm not quite a clean person, naturally, but i'm not a messy one either, i think. given my choice things will be in a bit of a disarray until weekends, when i'll need no more than a half hour or so to put things to rights. well, and then there's papers to be organized every month or so. but i don't hold with dirty dishes for days and things like that. debi does. or she doesn't want to, but it just is. visiting her last apartment was insanity. i think she keeps up appearances more now that rob is over every so often. of course of late keeping up appearances has been at least significantly my responsibility. yes, yes, whinge whinge. bad me.

eh. have to stop listening to this album. don't want to stop. stuck at computer because i need to listen to this album. help. obsessive. i've been listening to tori amos all day, and i've been hitting the back button insane amounts of times to listen to this one and that one just once more, really! "but i haven't been singing along! i have to go back and listen again!" my voice has gotten a lot better today. i think i'll be able to kick the cold in the next day or so. then i can sleep well again. must sleep. ok. now we can shut off the music. yes. step away from the keyboard. no! no, i said back. argh. you're hopeless.

ok, i can't do it. i'll stop writing, though, and maybe that'll be progress. g'night.
posted by barbara at 4:05 AM

 
i just had scary realization.... everything i've eaten today has been out of a cup. *frown* oatmeal in a cup for breakfast, ramen in a cup (oriental flavour!) for lunch, and now i'm having vegetarian vegetable soup in a cup (plus added broccoli, because i still maintain this stuff doesn't have enough veggies) for dinner. help. maybe i should have applesauce in a cup for dessert or something, just to make it even sillier. you'd never know that it was debi who got her teeth out, eh?

ooh. playboy mommy again. i love this album. i was listening to youssou n'dour and deep forest for the first half of the day and poe and tori amos for the second. makes me happy. i just wish i could sing along... blasted cold.

anyhow, so debs is gone for the weekend yet again, and this time i don't get to be lonely and whingey because i actually work both days. plus monday and tuesday. whoo bonus. *sigh* i liked it better when they gave me two days work then a day off. less concentrated angst and boredom. and i felt so icccckkk today that i didn't go and get my paycheck. bad me. bad bad bad. now i'm never allowed to whinge about it again. BAD.

i think i must be in a worse mood this past week, but i'm still not upset. i think maybe slightly stressed, though. oh heck, i know i am. probably why i have the cold. i catch myself getting really irritable at work on occasion. well, the little boy who ran around hitting things for twenty or so minutes would try anyone's patience, i expect. that day just was so aggravating. i really hope i don't have kids *again* tomorrow. plus i'm sure mom will have to try and talk to me at some point soon. yay. i'm looking forward to more accusations and irrationality.

every time i start thinking it's just me and she's not that bad i talk to her again... now that these conversations are taking place over instant messenger half the time, it gives me the opportunity to stop and just stare at what she's written and think, "what? WHAT??" *sigh* it's better than talking to her. she can't upset me in text. more and more now i just have to laugh. of course i can afford to now--i'm almost free. life isn't bad. i feel like i'm making things out to be more than they are. of course i have only one perspective, so essentially i'm ignorant. *shrug*

i wanted to practice today, but with the chest cold... it'd end up being just like when i was playing in the opera--coughing gets untenable because i'm pushing scads of air through my throat and stirring everything up. not terribly pleasant. argh. i had a two week long cold during opera hell week and performance. got so bad that even dr. rudge noticed. ^_^ it's so hard to be in a pit for hours and try your best not to cough, but continually have things messed up when you play. i miss fledermaus, though.... i had fun piccolo solos, too. :) ooh, mix and match smileys. ha.

today i fuddled around and attempted to make my silly french blog look all purty. actually, initially i was picking things that i thought would prove out my bad taste, but then they had to go and work. *grin* of course i only just started it and it's in french, so it has less on it than half of one of my regular posts, but maybe at some point i'll get better. took me forty minutes today to write about a half a page. well, that wasn't all i was doing, but still. eh. although i do have to say i was infinitely amused when someone asked me in shock "you speak fluent french????" (yes, that many question marks.) no, i don't, but i'm good at fooling you? i don't know. i'm trying to tell myself that it's not bad for someone out of the american schooling system. ew.

i'm just upset because i feel like i've lost all the facility i used to have. although to be fair, for three years out of classes i speak a damned sight better than just about anyone else i know. i've been trying to keep up by talking with debi on occasion, as well as all the music i listen to in french, but that only helps to some small extent. actually though, my last roommate spent a semester in spain and told me the semester she got back that she thinks i speak better french than she does spanish. *grin* now *that* was a compliment.

it's funny... it's nice to get compliments, and generally i let them turn my head a bit, if i can, but one *always* takes criticism, or, in my case, sometimes even what isn't said, more to heart. i think most people do that, but i wonder to what extent. i used to dwell a lot more on criticism. lately i've been much better, and i've actually been dwelling on compliments, but all in all i think i still don't believe them. hum. i'm just having an inferiority complex day today. ah heck, who am i kidding? that's every day. today i just felt as though i was poking a sore wound, though. like i couldn't help but make deprecating statements. it just pulled me. i hate doing that, too. because people tend to deny it, and i don't want to discuss those things anyhow. it's just pathetic when i do. i still think it's some sort of societal obligation half the time when people tell you that no, you aren't so bad. *sigh*

it always feels like i'm poking at my bruises actually. even writing about it. like i'm testing myself to see if i'm serious, or if i've somehow sneaked up behind myself and gotten better about these things. ha. can i get an extra dose of reality? i'd like to know for sure who i am, and i really think i'm not doing well looking from inside.

talked to jenna again today. yay. she completed an essay to apply for peace corps and wanted me to give her any criticism i could. i really didn't have much to say. jenna's been writing for a newspaper since she was about fifteen, and was an editor of a paper (about equivalent to the village voice) that was based in dc a couple years back. what in the heck could i possibly have to tell her that she doesn't know? i get asked to look at people's papers a lot, and usually i can help out, because i have this sort of obsession with language. simple grammar and spelling mistakes i always catch. awkward turns of phrase i can correct effortlessly. but jenna's got all that and style, too. then she doesn't understand why all her friends can't help correct her. *grin*

jenna: anything, from the overall mood, the theme, the symbolism, down to sentence structure and paragraph flow...anything?
me: no, it has good flow. hum.
me: i don't think i'm good with criticism. or not with you.
jenna: ::grumbles:: WHY does everyone say that?!?
me: other people i just have to correct grammar and things, and obviously you don't need it.
me: because you already write better than most of us, dear.
jenna: I've been told 1.) You're a far better writer than I am, 2.) You intimidate me, 3.) You take criticism as a personal attack, 4.) Compliments are easier, 5.) You're stronger than I am and you can beat me up, 6.) You scored higher on the SAT II Writing than I did, 7.) You're formidable.

well, really only one and four apply to me, but still... this branched off into a discussion of how other people are intimidated by us. us?? i know personally that i'm intimidated by everyone else. people somehow get this idea that i disapprove of them. i know i'm thinking to myself concurrently, "i'm not good enough to be talking with you." people seem to think that jenna and i are confident. *grin* i don't know how we're managing this, but it's pretty amusing considering the truth.

i think that it may have to do with the way we speak. i don't really come off as casual, i think, and i know that jenna's sarcasm and wit are always readily apparent. jenna pulled out an excellent quote from one scared victim..."Jenna, you use your words like whips and I'm not into that whole leather thing"

meanwhile, i've been thinking about this sort of thing for a while... so people feel afraid or intimidated when they meet me, it seems... i feel intimidated and inferior when meeting plenty of people of late... i'm thinking that all these people who i'm thinking are just so far above my head shouldn't be let out into society, because it would be devastating to morale of the general populace. =Þ although it seems that on the whole, the more intelligent you are, the less of a chance there is that you actually integrate into the whole of society. i should be grateful for being stupid.

wait wait!! maybe that is a causal relationship, but i have it backwards!! maybe more exposure to society makes you stupider! heavens knows that could certainly be true in america. bleh. i wonder if one could test this theory? *grin* i'm going to have kids and home school them and never allow them out of the house--no!

i think i get all antsy because i place such a high value on intelligence, but honestly that's not the most important thing out there. (although i will argue for it being high up in priorities) strictly in terms of iq, i'm probably rather inferior to my father. well, i can't be sure, but it's quite possible. however! i can actually function on a real level, i have common sense, and i'm actually capable of making friends. every time my dad refers to someone as a friend i'm pretty much surprised. then i feel badly for thinking that way. many of the people who are more intelligent than i am simply don't function.

oh dear lord am i a geek. i just considered this in terms of rpg type stats. maybe my intelligence is only fifteen, but my charisma is eight and my wisdom is twelve. you have an intelligence of twenty five, and are practically a god, but have a wisdom of eight and a charisma of two. (and you *know* that all rpg characters end up that way, since geeky middle school boys figure charisma counts for nothing since they have none.) honestly i'd rather be me.

wait, here's how i figure my stats:
strength- 13
dexterity-10
intelligence-15
wisdom-12
charisma- 8
that's right. my example was actually supposed to be accurate. now i've seen yet another facet of my geekiness... hmmm. looks like i have to be a magic user of some sort. i'm thinking maybe psionics. *grin* ew!! geek!! i'm a geek!!!

oh, and if i didn't already feel geeky enough, today i was attempting to remember my c++. it was mostly just a joke, but my memory was sort of getting somewhere, actually. argh. although i wrongfully attempted to increment a boolean, which is just plain stupid. well, i named the boolean after a person and forgot to keep her type in mind. meanwhile i had two other people declared as a perfectly good integer and double, but did i increment them? noooo. aah!! i'm such a geek!!! *hides her head in shame*

where was it that i read that geekiness transcends genre? something about how math geeks, science geeks, music geeks, computer geeks... all geeks have the same personalities regardless of subject. i can believe it, too, since i seem to slide effortlessly into every geek position there is. bleh. bad me.

i can't remember where i read this next thought either.... someone expressed that they were always considered one of the bright kids in school, and were treated as though they could do things others couldn't, but that they felt in the end that it wasn't about superior understanding, but merely superior memory. that could so easily be me. well, i do think i have high comprehension, but really the most spectacular thing about me is my memory, and really that tends to be worthless. i'm just bitter still since i feel i can't create. ick. get me out of this rut.

i always feel like people expect me to be brilliant and i have no way of actually keeping up with their idea of me. whenever people give even silly logic tests and whatnot, i tend not to do well. i still score high on stupid iq tests and things like that, but i think it's merely because i work very quickly. basically i read quickly, i analyze quickly, and i remember a lot, but i don't do anything *well.* of what bloody use is that to anyone?? i do have occasional good thoughts in terms of problem solving, actually. i'll have moments of insight, but for the most part if i ever get anything done it's just because i have an insane amount of patience and a lot of persistence.

i never synthesize things of meaning. or i try and it just comes off as trite and clichéd to me. i don't even think i think well. which means i constantly feel inferior when compared to people i meet lately. i'm beginning to think i need to go find some stupid people to hang out with for a month. =Þ eh. stupid people won't associate with me, though. my speech is too obnoxious to be borne.

i think the thing that most gets to me is that i have no academic courses in anything that holds meaning for me. in the past few years i've had about five classes that i really felt like i had any learning from. i feel as though i'm getting tremendously stupider because i'm not studying academics, only music. and i'm not even at a conservatory. i shudder to think. i think it's getting to the point where i just can't keep up with anyone anymore because i've had three years of nothing. blargh. so i know all there is to know about music theory. what good does that do me?? when is *anyone* going to need my knowledge of the odd scalar chords scriabin created? hello? usefulness?

at this point i feel like i've gone so far as to lose my basics. "how is this spelled?" "what on earth was the quadratic formula again?" "how did i ever conjugate the subjunctive anyhow??" i feel completely ignorant. i'm losing everything i used to take for granted. and i have no motivation to try and go out and get books to relearn since i hate book learning. it's odd... i love reading, but not when i'm ostensibly learning from it. i can't mix my education with my relaxation? odd, considering how much i enjoy education.

i don't know... it's a form of laziness. i'll go to every class (well, i have good attendance, but i must admit that when i'm low on sleep i do miss on occasion) there is, even when i have seventeen classes in one semester. (although i was exhausted a heck of a lot that semester.) i'll pay attention even in boring lectures. i'll read the book if i have to, as long as i'm *in* a course, but no way in hell can i ever just read a text book. well, that's probably not all that uncommon, but i still wonder, since i keep saying i want to learn.

i just feel like i was so capable at one point, and i'm not any longer. i feel like a fool, then i engage in conversation with people who seem brilliant. am i shooting myself in the foot? then on occasion i get approbation from these people, and i can't help but think that i must have just stumbled in a vaguely applicable direction.

no. see the problem is that whenever i think i've come up with something of interest it's ignored, but on occasion i'll write something i think is relatively valueless and then be praised for it. maybe it isn't me. maybe it's just because everybody else who's near me completely eclipses me. every once in a while i'll come up with something... and i'll think it's so valuable... and maybe my frame of reference is just totally off. *shrug* i just feel like i don't know up from down. my sense of humour seems off, my philosophies are not of interest, my life is at least as boring.

i managed to make the stupid french blog look decent today... maybe i'll actually put some effort into this one soon. i hate it right now. and i'm not fond of what i write. or even what i think. bah! commence banging head into wall . . . . now.

it's all just a transient thing, really. when i get back to school and i'm surrounded by people who aren't supergeniuses, i'll feel better. let me talk to sarah. she thinks i'm clever. heh. i've deceived the masses over at school. whooo. pardon me while i smack myself around for being stupid and mean to myself. ooh good. self-flagellation in diary form. go me.

good night.
posted by barbara at 1:46 AM

 
so today the carpet person returned rather unexpectedly. good thing he waited until three or else i might just have been lazy enough to still not be dressed for the day. (i stayed up until seven twenty or so reading something completely useless. *sigh*) in any case, this time it wasn't just carpet guy. he brought an assistant named ricky who told me he was sixteen, i think. he was sort of funny, actually, and talked like mad. i've never been teased so much by someone i just met before in my life. ended up being fairly interesting.

so of course when the two of them showed up i was on the computer. what else do i do with my time of late? anyhow, so i was actually in the middle of a conversation and attempting to still pay attention while i was continually walking away from the computer and moving furniture. things got more interesting as i attempted to keep up. first i had to get rid of my chair, then they rolled the carpet right up to the desk, then i ended up entering some amount of gibberish due to having the keyboard fall off the drawer combined with my attempts to catch it.

anyhow.... so this led to ricky (the sixteen year old assistant) asking numerous odd questions about what i was doing online, what i usually do online... oh, i see you have diablo... (debi's. not my addiction, thankfully.) anyhow, this somehow led into an hour or so of, "but you never know who you're talking to and maybe you're being stalked." (yes, this is bloody likely.) twenty minutes of odd suppositions... "maybe that guy you talked to is actually howard stern. or bill clinton. or my gym teacher." ten minutes on the benefits of a stun gun when facing a larger opponent... "i could take down a 250 lb linebacker if i had a stun gun!" a half hour of odd assertions... "actually, that's *me* you were talking to. you know how i have this cell phone? well every time i go outside to the truck...." and then my attempts to actually argue with this ridiculousness... "ok, so if you are the guy i'm talking to, then i'm not afraid. i think i could take you in a fight." "not if i had a stun gun." *snerk*

meanwhile, to mix it all up, ricky was throwing in frequent assertions that bill (the *original* carpet man) was studly. bill seemed somewhat confused. it was so random and just overwhelming, but highly amusing nonetheless. then debi got home, and ricky preceded to warn her that i must be carefully watched. my internet habits, you know. i'm dangerous. or something.

in any case, everything is back to normal now, and the carpet no longer flies. darn! hopefully though, this means legend will quit whinging when i try to put him in his cage at the end of the night. i think having it across the room freaked him out. we started keeping him in the bathroom to attempt to placate him, but he still whinged, and then it was right next to my bedroom. even more thrilling.

well, so after that debi and i actually did the laundry. ok, let's be more precise. i did the laundry. debi drove to the laundromat and paid for it. that's basically the breakdown. i hauled her whole wardrobe (and my two loads of wash [dark and not quite as dark, therefore "light"]) up the stairs, stashed it in the car with difficulty, and loaded the machines, added the money, and folded a decent portion of her clothes as well as all of mine. then i hauled it all back into the car and back downstairs. bleargh. debi has way too much clothing. we did ten loads of wash. (including the two of mine.) the whole process took about two and a half hours. bleh. way too much trouble for laundry. wish i were back at school.....

so for a couple rather stupid reasons i decided to fuddle around a bit, and i created a new blog. it's all in french, and i just wanted to see about sticking one on a free provider, then maybe futzing with formatting. so if i fuddle with that one, maybe i can learn and fix this one, since it looks awful. in any case, i also get to see if i can attempt to update it with some frequency and actually practice writing in french, since i'm so terrible at it. wish i had more opportunity to practice speaking, too, since that'd make my ego feel better about my inability to spell...

midsummer colds suck, and i'm congested and unhappy. so of course being the genius that i am, i consoled myself by drinking chocolate milk. brilliant. now i can hardly tell i have a nose due to further increased congestion. wait wait. i can bring this line of thought over to "i miss school" quite effectively! ahem... "if cara were here she'd have zinc lozenges, vitamin c pills, that awful orange powder stuff, and special tea and all... i'd be better in no time. (or i'd keel over and die from all the nasty remedies.) i wish i were still living with cara. i miss school."

*grin* i'm so good at this game! "look, i bought a kumquat," "my steering wheel is too hot," and "hey, this shirt is fading" are all thoughts i can convert over to "i miss school" within a matter of seconds. i think i'm even getting better at this game than i was last month. by the end of the summer i'll be pro... "hi! i'm steve." "i miss school."

only nineteen days until i give notice at work. only twenty four days until i leave utah. *grin* i wonder if i can stretch my laundry out to last twenty four days? ooh, i love a good challenge.

meanwhile, tomorrow i'll get paid, i'll practice, i'll wave good bye to debi for the weekend, and i'll have my last day of laziness before four more days of work. whoo. i love k mart. if i say that enough, i'll believe it. =Þ

debi told me today that she can't express to me how glad she is that i'm here with her right now. she said that if i wasn't, then she'd probably have to take mom up on her offer of coming out here. (oh! the horror!) it's odd, because i don't feel like i'm doing all that much. well, actually, i'm doing live in maid service for the unambitious. i was going to actually get over my personal issues and attempt to cook debi a real dinner soon... went so far as taking a steak (eek!) out of the freezer, but then realized debi can't chew anything yet. what on earth am i supposed to be doing for her anyway? she's still subsisting on yoghurt, ramen, overcooked macaroni and cheese, and applesauce. flargh. i feel like i'm rather useless. there's really little you can do for someone when their entire mouth is on fire with pain, but they've already taken medicine, and they're just waiting for it to kick in. i hate feeling useless. hate hate hate.

in any case, i'm still in a good mood, i'm still bored to death, and i'm still stuck here broke. hum. maybe it'll all magically change tomorrow. :) g'night.
posted by barbara at 1:10 AM

 
i finally got the stereo back in the living room and plugged in. it's amazing how much good a little music does for my mood. i finally even moved it so that i can fuddle with it while still sitting at the computer. yes, i'm just that lazy. been listening to poe for the past few hours. *sigh* i really love music i can sing with, and i'm really fond of her stuff. which is odd, since i don't have much else in my collection that sounds like this, but hello is one of my favourite cds. high enough on the list that i brought it to utah with me, an honour only attained by about fifteen cds.

now i know why the livejournal people always have that what i'm listening to section. seems always to be on my mind. well, doesn't work for claws, though, apparently. i was looking at hers today, and almost every time she posted an entry she happened not to have any music on. *grin* that wouldn't ever happen to me. at the very least there's something infecting my brain at almost any given moment. although sometimes what's in my head is spectacularly bad. like the velveeta commercial... or just last night.... i got a k mart commercial stuck in my head for most of the last hour of work. made me want to throw things. "check out our new selection of ladies shortalls and skirtalls...." what in the heck are those things, anyhow?? and it sounds *so* stupid. i have no respect for k mart advertising, really. *sigh*

i got a postcard kathryn sent to me from paris today. *shooting waves of envy* before she left she went through this bunch of commonly used phrases with me and recruited me for teaching her an accent. ha. like that would really work in a one hour or less session. she said in the card that people told her she sounded french--i'm thinking this has got to be a big time flirting attempt, since she looks like a model, and the french are like that.

wow. apparently this thing cost her four francs forty to send to me. that's rather a lot for a postcard. almost a dollar. hum, i'd have to check currencies to see exactly what the going rate is, but that's got to be pretty darned close to a dollar. for this piece of paper the size of a cd. hum. *shrug*

kat also said she got my birthday present, and it's something i wanted. oooh! i think i only asked her to look for two or three artists' cds. I'AM, assia and possibly jane fostin. if it's any of those three, i'm going to through hysterical fits and scream and rave for joy. wah! *huge grin* it's funny. i'm thinking to myself about it... "i'd love any of those. but especially assia. oh, but really especially I'AM, too. oh, but jane fostin's stuff is just my favourite..." *grin* i love music.

tomorrow is day two of three consecutive days of pointlessness and not working this week. whoo fun. i really hope that a) i can get my paycheck on friday and b) i can actually cash it someplace. otherwise things get messy, i think. argh. the last time i worked at k mart you could just get checks cashed at the bank of new york. please let that sort of thing be arranged here. *crosses fingers*

debi says we have to do laundry tomorrow. she's procrastinated from doing the laundry for two and a half weeks now. how does she have any clothes left? *shrug* actually mom sent her some shirts in the mail. i suspect that's the only reason debs is still wearing clean clothes. heh.

laundry is one of those odd things for me. i hate doing it because of all the hauling involved generally, but immediately after its done i feel quite content. i love having my whole wardrobe cleaning and having the choice of wearing whatever i want. i think it's because i like self-expression through outfits to some extent, and when you get to the end of the pile that just doesn't happen.

i should do something productive tomorrow. i should do something productive period. blah. wasting my life online. well no, i still won't say that. there are worse guilty pleasures one could have. and i'm actually thinking and learning to some extent. ok, not much, but here and there i find something. *sigh* i'm good at justifying what i want, aren't i? i seem to always have a ready excuse. aiee, how sad.

in any case, i should hopefully be up to practicing again tomorrow. couldn't today. the four splits in my lip from two days ago were still quite noticeable, and the two on my bottom lip actually ended up swelling slightly. *frown* not good. i think it's getting better though throughout the day. of course now that i'm thinking about it i'm testing my lip with my teeth. guaranteed to mess up any progress. that's just brilliant of me. argh. genius girl.

ok, so since my sister has discovered her diabetes, she has had to give up the sodas she really enjoys... she's been drinking nothing but water and fresca of late. now i'm sitting here looking at the fresca bottle... no carbohydrates in the soda. no calories. hardly any salt. what is actually in this? ah yes. aspartame. thrilling. i think debi must be drowning in aspartame by now. i'm sure this is all tremendously healthy, too.

i've often heard older people discuss how your health is everything. it's funny how the time in your life when you set up all of your health habits generally is a time of life in which you feel pretty much invincible and never give thought to these things. i wonder what the future holds for me in terms of wonderful health issues. the rest of my family hasn't done so well. and i'm prone to taking on stress and not dealing with it well. bad me.

aah! put my hand down and unexpectedly found legend already there. *mutters* don't want a dog. no dogs. never no. today he resumed one of my least favourite of his habits: licking my pants. why?? *sigh* no dogs. cats. *nodnod* considerations granted to other animals that don't lick me, scratch me, jump on me....

i'm tired and feeling unproductive, unworthwhile, and just lazy. bleh. i miss mason and late night practicing from ten until two or whatever. but it won't be any fun anymore next semester. essena's gone. *sigh* wow. orchestra just won't be the same. how awful. i need to write her. too bad i left the address at home.

i should be writing all of my friends. what holds me back? i'm just awful at writing things, and i'm not sure why. i think it ties in with my perfectionism somehow. i'm afraid to sound at all stupid, so i never actually manage to send out letters... this has been around in my thinking from elementary school. i never used to be able to write book reports, even in third grade. and current events in middle school. the only time i write well is when i have french assignments, actually. i think because i'm more worried about grammar and vocabulary than about content. someday i'm going to get over the perfectionism. of course then my playing will take a dive, i'm sure. hum. not like i'm playing perfectly now either. i wonder if it honestly would make a difference.

okay. up to last song on the album and i started the album over again just a bit after i started writing this. damn, but i sit here forever, staring blindly, close to falling asleep at the desk. why? i could change my routine and not be dead tired when writing this. i wonder if i find it easier to write now though, since i'm not as concerned about perfection and brilliance when i can't see straight. huh. and i thought i was a night owl. apparently i'm a lightweight.

i suppose also that if i changed my routine it might mess things up, and i've been pretty darned regular with this. i think that's partially what i was trying for. i've never been able to keep a diary or journal before, and i think having at least some routine in my life is somehow healthy or comforting. we discussed routine in sociology and how it causes us to ignore so much of life... we spent one class walking. mr. chipetine's an odd guy, and he wanted us to feel and appreciate the actual act of walking. we spent forty minutes in the courtyard walking at an extremely slow pace while we were supposed to be in a quasi meditative state. works well for most teens, i'm sure.

ok, i've overstayed the album. heh. good job on giving yourself a limit, dear. *yawn* well, now that i'm even closer to quasi dead, i think i'll finally give up on coming up with anything of interest. yeah, interest. right. g'night.
posted by barbara at 2:13 AM

 
another fun day of work. we were missing a person today, so two of us covered the whole department. i hate that. it's out of control. it went all right, mostly because we just ignored the entire mens department until tennish. *sigh* yet again i feel as though i'm doing entirely too much work for such a thankless and pointless job. plus i still haven't gotten paid, so i'm bitter. with that said, i have nothing to complain about as i'm not working again until saturday. i think i'll drop in on friday and get my bloody well overdue first paycheck, thank you muchly. tomorrow will be four weeks from when i started. i should bloody well have something to show for it by now.

i keep having this mental fascination with getting fired. i almost want to because then it would mean i'd stop working, but it wouldn't be my choice. as if that would somehow absolve me of guilt. the only thing is that i absolutely cannot afford to do this because i don't think i want that sort of thing on my employment record. i just want to get out with enough money to get by for the first bit of college, and hopefully i'll work at the library next semester. and maybe i'll get generous birthday gifts from relatives since twenty one is theoretically a big deal. or so one is told.

debi told me today that she's thankful that i'm here with her, and said she didn't know what she'd do without me. i think the fact that she expressed this sentiment means that she's getting better, as previous days have demonstrated that by the time eleven thirty rolls around and she picks me up from work, she is generally in so much pain that she isn't much civil. i didn't really know what to reply to her, but considering this conversation took place going about seventy five on the main highway with both windows open, i don't think my lack of response was much noted. heck, i didn't even hear all of the tail end of her speech.

theoretically one should be up early tomorrow as the carpet guy should be coming back and returning the apartment to normalcy. too bad, i've kind of gotten to like the floating floor. it's classy. or something like that.

legend will be pleased at any rate. when i go to bed he's been whinging so much that i can't figure out what to do. i keep moving him from one room to another in an attempt to placate him. last night i tried for a half hour to find a suitable arrangement before giving up out of apathy and exhaustion. i just didn't want debi to be awakened at that hour due to excessively loud whinging and some barking. plus that neat trick he was doing with all the oddball clicking sounds coming from the bathroom. haven't figured that one out yet.

i've been contemplating when i should leave k mart. i was thinking i should get the thursday before my departure as the last working day possible. that way i'd have the last weekend free, and i'd have time to pack. and really, who wants to drag this out any more than necessary? wish i had even a quasi meaningful job. *sigh* so i'm saying the ninth of august will be my last day... wow! that's only three more weeks. oh. jeez. that means i have to put in for leave next week. and i haven't gotten paid yet! how whacked out.

i guess time is flying. or comparatively. which is certainly good considering how bored i am of late. debi got out some more library books on her way back from work. i still haven't found where this library is, plus i have no card, so i can't take anything out anyhow... *sigh* in any case, debs got out a robin mckinley book, which i figure is quite probably worth my time. on the other hand, she also got out two or three romance novels. i don't understand that. my sister is in a relationship and as far as i know is certainly not celibate. why does she still read that stuff? i thought it was for lonely housewives or something. *shrug*

oh. more randomness... apparently i don't look my age. today i was working with this other girl, tori. she asked me if i was still in high school. i told her i was going into my last year in college, and she was taken aback. she asked me my age. she seemed extremely shocked when i told her. i suggested that perhaps i looked sixteen, and she seemed to agree with that when i thought i was being sarcastic. of course it turns out she's sixteen, so that might affect her judgement. oh, and she looks older than i do, i think. but i think it's because she does makeup-y things.

i can understand wanting to look older when you're sixteen, but really whenever people do that, it doesn't look flattering even if it does add a look of maturity. somehow it looks all plasticky. a lot of people at work have that look. a tan that looks like it came from within a building.... hair that is obviously carefully gelled, styled, perhaps even coloured or permed... makeup that is a bit too obvious or in colours that i can't understand....

no wonder i was never good at being in the popular crowd. this is what they all did, and i can't bring myself to do it. i wear makeup on occasion, yes, but damned if i'm going to do it every day of my life. i'd like to think i don't need to do it, either. of course i seem to be supernormally lucky with my hair and face and whatnot. fussing and washing three times daily with odd soaps, or using odd hair serums doesn't seem to actually help at all, in any case, so i don't bother and i still look fairly normal.

my high school sociology teacher once discussed these gender beauty issues... he said that the amount of time the average female loses in a life time vs. male in terms of primping was probably somewhat contributing to difficulty in advancement in work and life in general. actually if you consider financial issues, too, it certainly is possible that all this idiocy leads to a lower standard of living. hmm. if one attempts to make it as a professional business woman, then one is probably spending hundreds of dollars per year on this stuff. always have to have proper looking nails, expensive haircuts, insane pricing on makeup... as compared with men who seem to be able to get away with murder in this society.

even in lower echelons of society there has to be some impact. well, unless you get to the weird homeless people who make signs that you can't understand and wait outside seemingly not begging for money, but trying to make some obscure political point that no one can follow because your sentences look like random mix and match. the weird old sign lady in georgetown has given me new perspective on the many kinds of weird you can find out there.

i'm not happy with this whole beauty arrangement. not like i'm doing well in following it anyhow, but i'd like to see all the guys out there have to put in the ridiculous effort we're all supposed to come up with, even for a week. it would be so enlightening. national male beauty week. sound good? let's go with the rest of nature and have the guys forced to adorn themselves with ridiculous, colourful idiocies while the females can sit back, dress in neutrals and watch the show. *grin*

ok, so that would be evil. but i'd love to see a whole bunch of guys confused as heck, stuck in a bathroom and trying to figure out how to use eyelash curlers, which to me have always looked like a medieval torture device. i want to see how many guys are brave enough to wave all this crap around their eyes as they try to define lashes, line eyes, and blend. *snerk* really, what an idiotic concept. "here, let put this pencil as close to my eye as i can possibly handle without blinding myself." *sigh* fashion is a stupid industry. oh. and curling irons. no. just no.

meanwhile, i actually enjoy putting on makeup on occasion, but i think it's yet another facet of me mocking myself. i do odd things with my makeup anyhow. no, silver is not a natural colour, but it matches my outfit. no. really. no. okay fine. it's a good thing i don't go through all of this very often, because when i do it's frightening. oh, and i never use hairdryers or any other stuff like that on my hair, regardless, so when i do try something with my hair, results are interesting.

last year i discovered a whole new way of curling hair completely by accident. i just got bored to death, actually. i was sitting audition desk for a few hours, and i decided that i'd tie all of my hair in knots to pass the time. end result was scary looking, and i think i might have single-handedly dissuaded some people from coming to my school. eek. later on i took the whole thing out and found that i looked like even more of a freak. note: when you have enough hair for three people, you do *not* want it to be curly.

volume? what's that? volume you say? do i need these oddball serums, sprays, mousses and mists? no. just curl my hair. suddenly it was four times the size of my head. meanwhile people thought it looked nice. damn it, this is not texas. get some taste people before i decide i need to leave society entirely.

ok, so that was mean, but one of my friends, aaron, seems to think i look better when my hair can't fit through a doorway. *shrug* some people are weird.

meanwhile, this is quite the long blather on something i thought i didn't even care about. hum. maybe i'm deluding myself and i secretly have this intense desire to be shallow, superficial and preoccupied with looks. *grin* whoo boy and it shows. yup, i'm only working at k mart for the snappy red vest which adds depth to anyone's wardrobe.

well, i guess i'm done with boredomfest for now. should have gone to sleep long ago, but i just have too much energy after work. *yawn* apparently that's not a problem now. g'night.
posted by barbara at 2:21 AM

 
interesting day today. i'd say it was a bad day, but somehow that doesn't really seem to mean much to me of late. yes, technically individual events were less than pleasant, but it has no impact on the day as a whole.

started out early today for some reason. got a call which i didn't answer, but heard, then spent all day pretending i didn't hear. they asked if i could come in early to work today. to work with robin, my not-so-chipper boss, and others doing layout. umm. no. thank you, but no.

in a way it's awful of me to turn these things down, because i should jump at the chance for more hours and therefore more money, but i'm a bit scared of robin, actually, plus seeing as i haven't received any money after almost four weeks of work my mental correlation between this job and getting paid is not yet established. i still just look at it as an annoying obligation.

anyhow, instead of going in early i spent time online and talked to people. ooh, surprise. unfortunately quite bad news for my best friend. she just found out her mother has cancer. i have no idea what i think of it. i think i'm mentally or emotionally ignoring it, still. jenna says that they caught it so early that it shouldn't be a big problem... i don't know. i hope it works out that way, but really, cancer seems like one of those diseases that is just capable of anything. something we have no control over. they always make predictions of what will happen, but i think from what i've seen they're wrong with an alarming frequency. i hope jenna's family gets through this all right. i wish i could go see her.

it just seems like there's a lot of misfortune on all sides of me lately. a disproportional amount, i'd think. it makes me vaguely concerned, but i'm not upset at all. well, i'm not thrilled because i feel like i'm not doing a good enough job at being there for people, but that's mostly situational, and unavoidable. i'm beginning to conclude that it just feels like my life is on hold while i'm over here in utah. not too surprising since i repeatedly claim there is no life in utah. this makes me wonder though, if i'm not upset only because i've just been numb for the past month and a half. i don't think so, though, because i've been definitely happy, not just feeling nothing. hmm.

i've noticed of late that frequently people feel alone, and as though what they're thinking is unusual or freakish, while i find that i've undergone the same feelings they felt were unusual. random people, too. one found it simultaneously intriguing and frightening to read spinn of spinnwebe relating his feelings of inadequacy and immediately recognizing one's own thoughts. i used to say exactly what he said. yes, i'm good at such and such, but i'm not the best. i'm not good at everything. even what i'm good at i feel inferior at. it's so true. and yet i now know that it's fairly well invalid. who could say that spinn's page is perfect? on the other hand, how many people do i know who have enjoyed immensely, even if not on a regular basis? who could say that any page is perfect, anyhow? why even try to measure things in these terms?

anyhow, lately i continually feel like i'm stupid, and so i try to regain my optimism. it doesn't seem to work so well here, though. it used to be that the only thing i was confident of was my intelligence. i think that was because it was constantly being measured and tested and compared. schooling does that way too much. and if i'm good at anything, it's tests. that's just not a terribly good or accurate measuring tool, though. more and more i find that i'm just naive and stupid, and my thoughts are plodding and pedestrian, and i'm completely lacking in originality. somehow all the more ironic since people have always told me i'm so original.

i can't decide if it's the company i keep, or new expectations, or if i'm actually getting stupider, or if i was never that brilliant to begin with. somehow it isn't bothering me all that much, but i'm just not happy that i can't measure up to people i'm associating with. lately i look at what other people say, and i think, "yes, i agree with that," or "wow, that was quite good writing," but i think i'd have been unable to come up with these things myself. the thing is that i almost feel i could... but that i have no reason to say anything, or if i do, it doesn't come across as what i thought it would. today i was debating it with myself during my bus ride to work. am i actually capable of thinking on that level, or is my lack of coherent anything just because i can't be cohesive and comprehensible? and if i'm incomprehensible, then either i'm on a whole different plane of thought, or i'm stupid. which is it?

i've always felt that being stupid would almost be more advantageous. well, that isn't valid here, though, since half the reason i claim stupidity is a good thing is that smart people are too depressive. (i think i was just about the broodiest third grader you ever encountered.) unless my recent continuous good mood is actually reflective of my increased stupidity, in which case, BOFFO! now i'll be dumb and ecstatic forever.

when i was younger, my entire identity was wrapped up in intelligence. any confidence i had was from my peers good opinions of myself. i think i've progressed at least a bit since then, and thank heavens, since i never get the same sort of approbation now that i used to. i think if i hadn't been respected for intelligence throughout my schooling i would be a complete basket case, actually, since i was picked on more than just about anyone else i knew of from first grade through eighth. although one wonders if being a good student doesn't target you for more abuse.

funny how i remember school and it's always got a positive slant. i know rationally that it just point blank sucked. it was awful. especially middle school. my reaction to the suckiness of middle school is that i hardly remember or think of it at all. there's some sort of block in my brain where i can't remember things that are bad. yeah, i'm just that weird. well, not to say that all of it was bad. and after summer of eighth grade i went to a music camp, and my whole life changed. first time i ever met multiple people who really liked me. without any seeming reason. gave me the confidence i needed to start anew in high school.

now almost everyone i meet finds me amicable. why? i'm still not sure. although one must grant that it takes more than just first impression. i'm awful at first impression. the last one i think of is now infamous, and lisa used to tease me mercilessly for it.

the first time i met one of jenna's friends, matt, within about twenty minutes of meeting him i hit him over the head with a paperback. i can't even remember what he said that provoked that reaction, but he was pretty pissed afterwards. one is assured that later on we progressed, but i still don't think the two of us ever really quite got along to the extent that i would wish. i somehow always feel that i'm just too annoying for most people to genuinely want to have around, and i'm continually baffled when people don't seem to object to my presence.

to be fair, i'm not always annoying, but i think with most of the people i meet now i find myself dominating the conversation and wishing i wasn't. maybe that's why jenna's such a good friend. she and i always have things to say to each other. when we first started talking on the phone after summer camp i remember how i had to consciously try and get a good trade off of when to listen and when to speak, since we both had a continual flood waiting to be unleashed. even then, though, i felt that what i had to say was never as interesting. i just find myself to be one of the most boring people possible, is what it is, i think.

i wish i were more clever, more funny, more articulate.... it just always seems to me that i can master thoughts and concepts and philosophies effortlessly, but i can never explain them well, i'm never amusing, and despite understanding, i never create my own ideas. is that true? i never create my own ideas? argh. i'm so desperately afraid that it is. i think that's what really bothers me and really makes me nervous.

i just feel as though what i'm thinking isn't my own half the time. i really set myself up well for this, actually, by practically hero-worshipping debi at an early age and basically wanting to be her. i think i do have unique aspects to myself, but they all seem to be other than mental. originality in thinking seems to be something i lack. argh. i want to say it's not true, but i fear it is. this is why i feel so stupid next to all these other brilliant creators. damn. and yet i don't think it's that i couldn't do it.

i was thinking today about tone deafness, and about how it would be possible to just not know that you were singing in complete dissonance. i can't really grasp that concept, but now i'm thinking it applies here. i never feel that what i'm thinking is just regurgitated or defective, but it seems it is. i just can't tell from this side of the fence.

argh. i need to borrow a new brain for a few days so that i can get out of this frame of reference which blinds me and see... no, not the truth. there is no truth. see something other than myself. that's all i see now. my self reflected onto the world. it's blinding. argh. i need less me and more of everything else. not that i'm likely to get that stuck alone in this basement for hours on end. aaiee.

well, i guess that's it for now, and i'll go and get myself a good night's sleep so that i can continue my meaningless existence in a more cheerful mood. g'night.
posted by barbara at 2:28 AM

 
so i got relatively little sleep because the carpet guy got here at nine thirty, and i got a call from the landlord at quarter of nine to warn me about it. i stared at the clock irritably, in disbelief for about ten minutes, then showered and got on with my lack of life. i even managed to look awake and quasi chipper by the time the carpet man showed up.

anyhow, carpet man was really nice, and i had a grand old time feeling awkward as i watched him disembowel our living room. he pulled up the whole carpet, then got rid of all the padding. there were still puddles on the floor underneath the padding, and the padding itself was sopping and dripping all over the place. he ended up taking it and shoving it out the window, to my amusement. better plan than dripping it all up the stairs, though.

in any case, the upshot of this is that i now have a fan blowing underneath the carpet, and it'll be here until wednesday. oh, and it's loud. this means my carpet is billowing up a foot or so high, and is waving around a lot. it's psychedelic, really. i keep seeing it move out of the corner of my eye. which is frightening. inordinately scary, actually. especially since i'm tired. makes me feel sort of dizzy to see it, actually.

anyhow, so the carpet should dry eventually, but in the meantime i'm stuck listening to this insanely loud fan for three days. every single thought leads to, "and i want to be back at school again." this one by way of, "i wish i didn't have to deal with this. i don't have to deal with any of these stupidities at school..." flargh. i'm just pathetic.

ooh, speaking of pathetic.... (this segue works in my head because it is yet one more illustration of how the only social life i have is online.) we have a date for the brunchmeet in august, and it's suggested we all meet in ithaca. these things couldn't have worked out more perfectly if i tried! now i can just catch a bus up to ithaca and not worry about exactly how i'm getting to cayuga lake. *grin* and i'm going to get up there no matter what. even though i haven't said anything to mom yet. *sigh*

i just really don't want any confrontation. i'm thinking i'll just tell her i'm visiting a friend, and i won't ask her for transport or anything so that she can't really say much to me. i can walk to the train station, no problem, since i'll only need to take my backpack with a change of clothes with me. i am determined--i *will* make it. plus two days away won't really hurt my schedule. most of what i need to pack for college i never unpacked in the first place.

it's so odd to consider just doing as i please. because i'm getting to that point now. next year i should be on my own, and not answerable to anyone. wow, is that appealing. i think that's actually one of the things i most treasure about college, and at least that will still hold up after this year. unfortunately the other things about school, like learning, meeting people, living with friends... those will be harder to maintain. effort? i'm supposed to make an effort to meet people? ha! i'll stick with online social life, then, thanks.

i'm beginning to wonder if maybe i could convince lisa to split an apartment with me next year. she's already graduated, but she's not out on her own yet, i don't think... she and i get along so well... i just keep hoping i'll find something that will make everything just seem feasible all of a sudden. as it is, i feel like "yeah, bloody right, sure that'll work."

i wonder if i'll really take advantage of life when i'm on my own. i don't know that i am enough at school, and certainly not here... i feel as though my school is somehow disappointing me now. we have fun things on occasion, true, but the whole feel of the school at times, especially the music building, reminds a lot of people of high school. i hear about what other people have at their schools and i'm so envious. jenna gets her cultural events and festivals, and we have "shackathon."

all the other schools i've seen just seem more like a college than fredonia. the thing is that i really wanted to transfer freshman year. i hated it so much so many times. but i just kept going for some reason. i do that a lot. i assume that i should just get through any problems and not do anything about them. i don't know where else i would have gone at that point, but it leaves me wondering eternally if i haven't screwed up my whole college experience with the wrong choices. wrong school, wrong major... yikes.

i wish i could have had the same sort of experience debi had. she loved williams. so much. heck, i loved williams. i love being at school, but i think i don't like that actual college. i've made some good friends, and i've learned some. notably only in music, as the rest of the programs on campus are fairly pitiful for the most part, and don't seem to cover more than what i did in high school or even middle school until you get into the course work for the major. bleh. i almost feel like what i've done is an incredible salvage job on some unappealing situation.

i keep wishing i knew what it was like to be in other people's shoes. i want to know what it's like to have gone to bard instead. what is life like for kathryn in miami? (well, that one i could skip, if only for the threat of heat exhaustion) i just have these sneaking suspicions that things really oughtn't to measure up, but i've been making up for it well.

i think another thing is that i'm quite disappointed of late that i haven't seen any concerts (other than about fifty classical ones in the past three years) since i've been at school. most people see *more* concerts when they get to college. not me. last concert i saw was U2 pop tour. when was that? three years ago, i think. senior year in high school, as i recall. bleh. i enjoyed the concert... i just envy all my other friends who seem to be getting out a heck of a lot more than i am.

i feel like my life is supernormally boring. i'm still enjoying it, but i feel like if someone else were evaluating it they would decide it was subpar. this is a stupid way for me to look at things, since i shouldn't care about other people's evaluations. inevitably i believe i shouldn't cave in to society or peers, but i do to some extent. bad me. well, i don't do what they want me to do, but i think poorly of myself because of that. which is stupid. because i should be happy to defy society considering i think those standards are useless, petty and pathetic, by and large.

one notes that one has been using certain phrases over and over of late. included among them are "by and large," "whatnot" and "of late," actually. plus i've been using the "one feels that" sort of phrase quite often. there are more, too. i think my speech is continually evolving to remain as stilted and bizarre as it possibly can as long as possible. a day will come... just one day... where the whole day i will speak, act and dress like a normal human being, and the whole cosmos will come crashing down obliterating life as we know it. until then, one feels that one's bizarrities give one much character. *nodnod* umm... yeah, character.

anyhow, i'm thinking i should try to make up for my loss of sleep from yesterday. early morning carpeting escapades aren't good for my beauty sleep. =Þ g'night.
posted by barbara at 12:42 AM

 
today started out like ever other day. boring. blah. well, actually started out with a phone call from dad, but that's pretty much the epitome of boring. blah. in any case, i was actually complaining once more about my boredom, surprise surprise, when morat commented that i shouldn't complain. boredom is better than alternating anguish and despair. he said something to that effect, anyhow. well, this of course turned out to be true, and only an hour or so later i was sincerely wishing for my boredom to return.

it started thundering rather noticeably, so i decided i should get offline. i shut off the computer, then i ran to get legend back inside, since it had started to rain. "rain," i thought. "ok, we could use some rain. no biggie." i noticed that the rain started to pick up significantly. didn't think terribly much of it. noted that the window was slightly open and made an effort to close it better since the table had a little mist on it. *shrug* i was about to go and lie down on debi's air mattress in the living room and start reading, when things became a bit more urgent.

it's not too long before i note that the rain is coming down with incredible speed. a torrential downpour. i might say it'd qualify as a flash flood considering drainage didn't seem to work too well... which meant that all of a sudden we had a significant amount of water coming in *under* our window. the frame doesn't seal entirely, it seems. i'm frantic and panicking. i run and grab a trash can and stick it under one of the worst places by the window and run around like a headless chicken. meanwhile, legend is out, and he's running around, too, and everywhere i want to run to he seems to already be there. i think i inadvertently smacked him around a bit, actually. i ran into him directly at least twice.

meanwhile, the water was just pouring in from all three or so feet of the window ledge, and it seemed there wasn't much i could do about it. i shut legend up in his cage and i ran for the bathroom to get another garbage can. then i started frantically removing things from the table and floor near the window, and desperately looked for rob's number, only to remember that i couldn't call anyhow since debi has no long distance. yes, slc is long distance. *lame*.

i put down the phone and run and get a towel and start soaking up the water on the floor and wringing out the towel into the garbage can. after about five minutes the ten gallon kitchen garbage can was filled and i realized a slight flaw in my planning--i couldn't lift it when it was full. at this point you can see the water is actually building up outside in the window well, and it's up at least six inches. i run and get the other, smaller garbage can and start using that to bail out the larger can. i'm running around like a lunatic, dumping water in the sink, in the bathtub... meanwhile, half the kitchen sink won't drain. argh.

so after about ten minutes things slowed down a bit, and i just attempted to towel up what i could. this eliminated the pool of standing water, but left the carpet in such a condition that i get mini pools of water wherever my foot is. i gave up on the toweling bit after a while, as it didn't seem to be getting anywhere, and took the chance of signing online for a bit to email to rob's cell phone a cry for help.

after all of that i just looked at the mess, sighed deeply, got out a book, and waited by the phone. took at least forty minutes for debi to call me, i think, and then came the fun part with calling the landlord and all of that. by the end of the night the landlord and his brother dropped by (and both got attacked by legend. darn it, contain yourself, nutcase puppy!) and evaluated the situation. apparently we may well have emergency carpet cleaning going on tomorrow, as the landlord would rather pay for that than a whole new carpet. leaving the carpet in this state would guarantee mildew. copious amounts of mildew, actually. *sigh* one wonders what time i'll be up tomorrow with foreign invaders and vacuums and other such exotic tortures.

well, it's interesting to see what i do under panic situations. this time i was getting really anxious and a bit shaky, but constantly reassuring myself that i was doing well under the circumstances, and my wasn't i clever to stick that garbage pail under the heaviest leak? i'm too funny. i need to reassure myself in order to keep going, it seems. i get through awful situations by telling myself that other people wouldn't do as well and i'm being Awfully Clever. not that i believe it, really, but it makes me continue on, i think.

in any case, i'm hoping this all gets resolved quickly tomorrow, and that i can get back to normalcy. this is sort of surreal. every time i walk over to the kitchen, i go through a mini morass to get there. plus legend keeps drinking the carpet. it's all vaguely unnerving.

in any case, it's late, and i should get to bed so i can deal with whatever intruders may come tomorrow. *yaaawwwn* g'night.
posted by barbara at 1:56 AM

 
i am so mentally hale and healthy. yes, comparatively, i mean. today my sister woke me up at eight am because she had this intense need to clean the house. i went to bed at two thirty. i have insomnia. this means i fell asleep at about four. this means that i *really* did not want to be up at eight. i asked if it had to be right then. apparently it did. aiee.

i told debi that i wasn't happy about this and that i really value my sleep. i do. if i don't get enough sleep, i'm not a nice enough person. debi finally told me to just go back to bed, but with that tone of voice that means you know you didn't do what she wanted. i debated for a full fifteen or twenty minutes after that whether it would even help me to go to sleep, whether helping her was a moral obligation, whether helping her sent the wrong message since i find it an unacceptable request, whether i was a bad person and merely lazy and not wanting to clean... finally i decided that sleep was important, since i worked again today, and that i'm not lazy for not wanting to miss sleep and clean instead, when i'm the one who usually cleans anyhow. nothing wrong with me. so i'm thinking debi's just showing signs of obsessive compulsive disorder, or something similar. i don't think that's really a problem for me, actually.

in any case, i ended up cleaning the whole kitchen myself, later. *grin*

the upshot to this was that mom screamed at me again on the phone for not being there enough for my sister. oi. as if i'm slacking off? no. i'm doing my best, but this isn't my only obligation. plus this shouldn't be all mine to handle. why am i always the one who's supposed to take care of my sister when i'm the one mom seems to feel is inferior right now?? i'm five years younger, but i've always taken care of her! damnit, i have no issues with that, but then i get criticized for not having more skill! *sigh*

ok, so there's my bitterness for the day. i could submit my work bitterness, too, but that's just foolish. i'm happy to have the next two days off, and to be alone in the apartment, since i'm just dealing poorly with debi's weeklong tooth torment. i've only got a month left in utah as of tomorrow, and i think i'm just as happy with that. unfortunately i didn't get my paycheck today, so it isn't quite a perfect utopian utah life, (*snerk*) but i'll be just as happy to wonder around a bit on my own and practice.

today i had an ego trip day. i'm laughing at me again. it's fun every once in a while to arbitrarily decide you're going to be happy to look the way you do. it's hard for me to get there, but i have fun with myself when i do. honestly someone should shave my head, then i'll be properly humble. *grin* although i'm still just utterly irreverent about everything, it seems.

i have this thing... not so much a problem. ok, i'm in denial, it's a problem. i really like to argue things that are too outrageous for me to actually subscribe to them. i almost believe them... maybe if i was more punk and anarchist than i am (well, that isn't saying much. i'm about as punk as a toothpick) then i'd decide i actually believed what i said. i just seem to have an enormous gap between philosophies and practicalities. like my arguments of libertarianism which i really don't subscribe to, but i enjoy promoting anyhow. i think this is another facet of my belief that i'm entirely wrong about almost everything, and of my belief in the lack of validity in arguments.

so what brought this on, anyhow? i have this love hate relationship with wax intellectual on the brunching ubb. i almost can't help myself sometimes when i post things there. the thing is that for the most part what i write is inapplicable, unacceptable to others, or just boring. this means that i either a) get flamed, or b) get ignored. you'd think with that track record i'd be able to hold myself back, but nooooo, because this is me, and i'm a sucker for punishment, it seems.

anyhow, my latest idiocy was to declare that marriage is fairly well unimportant and invalid. i think i didn't even say what i wanted to in disclaiming it, though, so my arguments look poor again, and will be ignored. anyhow, what i think is that marriage is a social convention, and largely unnecessary. people were talking about needing something to hold you in the relationship. if you don't want to be in it, is it healthy to force yourself to stay? not to say that it shouldn't be worked on, but if you lose the will to even try, then what good is it to have the state of new york tell you that you need a trial one year separation first? it seems to me that my ideals work only for me, and that everyone else should ignore me, but i really think that if i were in a long term relationship then marriage would not help me to judge whether or not i should be sleeping with the person.

i'm such a dreamer, really. i'm certainly never going to be promiscuous, and i think i'm waiting for marriage because who i marry will be more than just who i enter into a marriage contract with. marriage will take its meaning from what i put into it, not from what a religion or a government says about it. i guess i believe in marriage, but i don't believe in what other people have made of it. who can blame me? my mother told me she married my father because she wanted to have kids and she wanted them to be sort of normal. she proceeded to pick a man who is smart, has good vision, is slim, is tall, and has a good heart. at least that last one wasn't for us, i think, but the rest was a really messed up human breeding program. meanwhile, mom only partially succeeded. debs and i are relatively tall and smart, and we have good vision, but neither of us really qualify as slim. debi's down in weight of late, but i'm afraid it isn't for good reasons. she doesn't take care of herself. i hope that having rob around will help her decide to change that.

i'm considering my genetic whatever of late... how good a start do i have, and how much have i overcome obstacles, and how much have i done more poorly than expected? although if i include nurture with nature, then i think i say i came out better than anticipated. i don't know. did i really end up with poor parenting? well, probably, but what is good parenting?

actually, i think i've finally seen good parenting. my last roommate, cara, had the most wonderful family i've ever seen. i don't even know that they were that out of the ordinary, but i guess all the rest of my friends end up with families almost as unsteady as mine. kat's dad is point blank mentally disturbed, lisa's parents haven't loved each other for years... dysfunction seems the norm to me, to some extent.

cara's parents are amazing to me. they love each other and all their children. they don't show favouritism. they expect help around the house and they get it. none of their children are spoiled. the whole family enjoys being together what a wild notion that is for me.

i was so happy to visit them... and you could just tell where priorities were. love, not money. togetherness, not competition. all that sort of wholesomeness. *grin* i think i could do that. i keep thinking about where i want to go in life, so i guess this all had to come at some point.

i think i could be a good mother. i'm pretty sure, actually. our family is screwed up, but it seems to get less with each successive generation. my grandmother is completely insane and has little sense of everyone else's reality. my mother is more rational, but doesn't see what she herself is doing. debi's much less manipulative than mom and ima are. there's only one basic problem debi and i have--self-esteem, and really, how prevalent is that?

personally, i think i've got my head on fairly straight. i'm a bit naive, i'm a bit too frivolous at times, and i'm perhaps foolishly optimistic, but i think i'm within some sort of standard of normalcy. i think if i ever get to that part of life, then it will work well for me. now i just have to get there. eeep. umm, can i skip the whole dating scene which im' no good at anyhow and just go for artificial insemination? umm. no. argh. i really don't hold with that idea. single parenting is fraught with error by nature, i'm sure.

well, i've certainly blathered enough to make up for my meager last few posts. umm, meager as in under two pages. i'm shutting myself up now. g'night.
posted by barbara at 2:32 AM

 
i just went to put legend outside for a bit... it's beautiful out. i love the sky in utah. when the sun is setting or rising, it's always over mountains, and late at night when it's clear out you can actually see the stars. i can also see provo off in the distance. it looks exactly as it should look. i can't really describe it other than that, though.
it's been baking to death in here for days now. i should lay out pools of water and make my own damned sauna. somehow it isn't getting to me that much, but still. eek.
work again tomorrow. big whoo. debi was saying that she's not sure she's feeling well enough to go to salt lake for the weekend as usual. wow, i might go from lonely weekends to maidservice weekends. no, it isn't that bad. i just like to whinge. damn me. in any case, i'm sure it'll be fine either way. if debs is here, then maybe i'll actually get to spend time with her, and perhaps even, dare i say it? leave the house for something other than work? hum. if she visits rob again, then i can catch up on practicing and since i should be getting paid tomorrow *crosses fingers* i could possibly even do things on my own. not much, i'll grant you, but maybe i could get ambitious enough to drag myself at least to provo. i need to do *something*.
i'm considering buying a phone card when i get paid. i feel like it's a frivolous luxury, but i haven't spoken with jenna or lisa for something like three or four months. ack. my social life is entirely confined to the internet.
fun time in irc tonight. roup introduced us to this game where we guessed famous people/characters from initials and yes/no questions. i *really* did think that linus torvald was sort of a household name, so when i was the only one in the channel who knew roup's answer i started to feel ubergeek again. heck, i'm always ubergeek. that shouldn't even be my geek field of specialty, though. if i had wanted to i could have always done something really evil and pulled a "what do you mean you don't know of gyorgi ligeti?" well, i stuck with normal ones. i should have went for harder, i think. although we prove once more that i'm not even that ignorant comparatively--it's everyone. i think only one person in the room knew who jacque chiraq was. *sigh* at least they guessed the pendragon fairly quickly.
i miss my music so much. it's insane. i can't even listen to much online, since realplayer seems to require more memory than this computer can reasonably dish out while still functioning. i was trying to listen to a new artist, splashdown, recommended to me by the cornucopia of weird musicliciousness, stenny, and it had some interesting results. all the ims i was writing i would complete typing, then have to watch print themselves out fifteen seconds later. the best was seeing the writing automatically go back and edit itself since i usually can feel my mistakes when i type without seeing them.
in any case, i'm wilting over here more because of my lack of cds and whatnot than because of the heat. i'm completely dependent. it's rather lame, i think, but at least it's my career so i can sort of justify it? hum. and i want more exposure to more artists, but i won't even be able to really find them here.
i have this random urge to just build something. it's just odd and it came out of nowhere. i want to go and hammer something together. it's been a while since i've done any real art... maybe i need to sculpt. not that i have anything much with me to do that with. hum. maybe i'll start making my list of things to bring to school with me this weekend in an attempt to pass the time. damn i'm sad.
well, no. really everyone i know wants to be back at school. except for those who are, and they say they miss everyone else. talked to suz today, who apparently is on campus, but i haven't a clue why. maybe woodwind quartet camp? damn, i really wanted to do that, too. stupid financial whatever.
in any case, i'm still considering a paper chain to count the days. i want my friends back. i want my life back. i want my music back. enough whinging, really.
i think i should head off, since i have nothing positive to say even though i'm not upset. life is just blah. it'll all get better in a month. i think. g'night.
posted by barbara at 1:11 AM

 
spent a lot of time in irc today. we've been talking about music for the past hour. it's so great. first talking about composers we like... stravinsky, bach, bartok, dvorak, saint saens, copland... *sigh* brought up so many *Good* pieces. kindertotenlieder, infernal dance of king katschei, dvorak's ninth, tchaik five... ye gods. i miss this stuff so much.
from there we went on to actually playing. in ensembles and things. *sigh* this was so nice, because i now remember why i love music so much. talking about things we went through in ensembles. oh, there are no words to describe. it's pure rapture. being in the middle of an orchestra making music... ooh. *shudder* it's so good.
this all makes me really miss school, but also makes me realize how much i appreciate it, and why i go through all the ridiculous amounts of work. it's worth it. ooh. i'd better be able to find an orchestra to play in when i'm out of school. i can't not play. it would get to me way too quickly. being out for two months has proven too much for me.
it's such a wonderful thing to really have something you love doing. i can't begin to put into words my feelings. and thank heavens for that, because if i could, we'd never shut me up.
i'm way too addicted to irc. but it's the people. genarti, smurple and i just had a whole insane fest. *grin*

GENARTI IS WICKED PEOPLE!
SANDRY IS ONE OF THE COOLEST PURPLE EARTH ROCKS HUMANLY POSSIBLE
COOL ROCKS IS naturally COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF DEEEEEAD.

we started out with a mini ego fest that just came out of nowhere, but then we started to cut and paste other people's compliments. *snerk* WICKED ASS ROCKS IS COOLER THAN SEXY.
i am in such a good mood. wow. reminiscing over the beauty of music, and just kicking back and making a fool of myself. what better way to spend time with people? but i'm not actually seeing them. *sigh* give me until august... at brunchmeet... that one day will be so nice i'll just have to remember it for months. okay, i'm putting too much pressure. it'll be fun. doesn't have to be the summit of life as we know it. =Þ
in any case... things aren't really going any better in life. debi's not doing well, job and life are fairly boring. it just doesn't bother me. so long as i don't dwell on these things, i'm really happy. i'm so happy that i'm going to go sleep and dream more odd dreams. last night was another weird one. wish i had written it down. *sigh* i never remember. oh well. we'll try again, i think. g'night!
posted by barbara at 1:02 AM

 
i've been waiting and procrastinating for about an hour and a half so that i could keep consistency and not lose a day. meanwhile, i have nothing to say.
i think i'm getting a bit irritated of late. mostly i just wish debi would get better since i still have to fetch everything for her, then she's bitter and biting if i haven't done whatever tasks exactly as she pleases. also, i resent that she's upset with me for not cleaning exactly when she feels i should considering that in the month i've been here, i've pretty much been the only one cleaning. something like barb-80%, deb-20%. bleargh. which is not to say that debi does nothing for me, but i don't whinge at her if we don't go straight home if she's picked me up from work, so i don't find it to be fair that she's complaining that i didn't clean off her mess on the living room table at one am like she asked. can i not do it tomorrow at a bloody normal hour?? blargh. i want my own damned apartment.
i love debi. a lot. she's not someone i really should live with, though. i think that at least half my friends are people i shouldn't live with. it's odd... i wouldn't think i'm that picky.... but maybe i am? hum.
all i really want is a compromise between personal space and actual social interaction. darn it, dorms are perfect. can't i just stay in school forever? well, no, i really want an apartment. i wish... i wish... i wish that this had any meaning. i wish that august were here already. i wish that i could actually talk to people. i'm full of hope right now, but still somewhat anxious.
the more it seems your life is going well, the more you're aware of what you have to lose. today i'm in a bit of a mood because i want universal approbation, and there ain't no way in hell anyone's getting it, let alone me. i wish i weren't so boring. i wish i could express myself better. i wish....
long im conversation with my mother just now... she's still all upset about debi. darn it, you can't really do anything about it. try and be more rational. she wants me to keep in touch more often. eargh. i'm such a bad daughter. meanwhile, she's also telling me that debi and i need to improve our diets now. have you seen my diet?? how could you possibly judge? i'm betting she's less healthy than i am now. argh.
why does my family have so much of a focus on food? it's almost like it shouldn't be a problem, but it's made into one because of all this focus. mom's got books, magazines... she used to go to meetings... can't we just be normal? is that too difficult?
i want to be on my own so that i can do all this the way i feel is proper. i want to live in a place i have put together. i want to be responsible for my problems and *only* my problems. my life should be my own. no one should live vicariously through me, and i should not need to keep people updated on exactly what i'm doing unless i want to. i want freedom. i want independence.
i always have the same wishes, the same goals, the same desires. i never seem to make any progress towards these things. am i wrong? can i just not see it? or is it even possible at this point for my goals to be reached or even for any efforts to bring me closer? why do i feel like my life is somehow just endless frustration as i just try to pass time and get to a better place?
it's not even that i'm unhappy now. i'm just frustrated. stagnating. again. darn, why does my life seem so stale?
ok, i'm convinced it's all just fleeting, momentary things and that if i just shut up and go to bed it'll all be better in the morning. umm yeah. honestly i just want time to go faster. maybe i'll sleep more. yeah. there's a plan. oi. g'night.
posted by barbara at 3:45 AM

 
i'm way too competent to work at k mart. yes. today i got ladies', theoretically the busiest department, and i finished early. i spent the last hour helping out in another department. i'm just trying too hard, but i'm afraid that it doesn't show. i'm so paranoid because everyone says our boss is rather umm. bitchy, i guess is what you'd say.
well, not really what i'd say. i dislike that word. although not as much as the infamous neil brideau... he had a whole tirade in our school paper about how degrading the word was. personally i don't feel as strongly about it as he does, but i can definitely see how it's offensive, since it's the only curse word that's automatically targeted. can't really call men bitches. *shrug* better off leaving them all alone, i'd think. can't think of too many situations where they're pleasant words. although admittedly i certainly claim that things kick ass on occasion. *shrug*
side note: do *not* put any really disgusting tasting vitamins or other pills in your mouth until you have verified that you definitely have water in front of you to wash it down. *gag* empty water bottle.
so almost as if i was antiprognosticating, i write that trench prolly won't be around since he wasn't for months, and the next day he posts. umm. oops? i wonder if i should still go through with my idea. i think so. maybe day after tomorrow, since i'll have off again, which presumably means i have time.
my aunt's fortieth birthday was the day before yesterday. which i knew, but had to be doubly sure to observe since my mother emailed me twice and debi at least once, plus an instant message for debs asking us to do so.
so now aunt sarah's twice my age. i wonder how that feels. i just hope to heavens i'm nothing like her in twenty years. i don't want to be like any of the members of my family. can i get a new family? no real obligations, just as role models, perhaps?
it's odd. i think i want to have children, and i think one of the minor reasons is that i want to have a family that's normal, and i want to raise normal children almost as a sort of healing, perhaps. if i can help them have a normal childhood, then i'll feel better about my own? i'm glad this is only a small feeling inside of me, since i think it's not good.
if ever i end up getting married i hope his family is pleasant. can't have both sides of the family be insane. argh. my mother tries to be nice to everyone i introduce her to, but after a while one begins to notice how odd she is. i wonder if i'll be required to just warn whoever and pray.
rob seems to get along with her well, although you can tell he sees beyond her facade. but mom loves him since he's so good to debi. well there's one thing. my family loves me. well, maybe not my aunts and uncle, but mom, dad, and ima all love me in their own unique and highly screwed up ways. it's more than some people have.
i once argued with my really messed up roommate, sarah, that it's worse when they love you. because then you're supposed to love them back and not be rebellious and there are all these expectations, and you feel like a bad daughter if you don't want to comply with their wishes since they think they're doing what's best. hum. i'm still not sure. not having love from your parents makes being loved at all pretty iffy early in life. and if there's anything that humans need, i'd think it's love. not necessarily romantic love (although i'm sure that would be nice if i ever get around to it), but all types. i think i have some understanding of love in general, because i love my friends.
it's so easy to love another person, i think. or there are many people whom i find easy to love. maybe it's just me. love is such a wonderful thing, and to be without it would really be damaging, i think. one hypothesizes that my father is the way he is today because his parents never showed him any sort of affection. he's a good person. in the most pure way you can use the term good, i think. he's giving, he cares, he's religious, he does his best to harm no one... he is just a good man. that's about all, though. he has other qualities, of course, but to me he seems so empty.
the more i look at other people, especially my family, the more i realize why i like being who i am. i'm not sure if that's good or bad.
not that i'm all happy about everything i am. but who is? i have my wishlist, of course. =Þ
i wish i had lisa's charisma and understanding, jenna's wit, openness and writing ability, kathryn's outgoing personality and joy, susan's seriousness and ability to appreciate life, adam's humour and easy camaraderie, morde'an's spirituality and independence, cara's energy and excitement for living, essena's dedication and enthusiasm....
to some extent i have some of these qualities, i think, but it's so much easier to see and appreciate in others. i'm just thinking about all these people so much because i miss them. *sigh* i hope that i can always keep perspective and realize that however upset i may get over anything or anyone's actions, there's a reason why i love these people so much. i hardly ever have problems with my friends, and i hope it stays that way, but it's hard to genuinely appreciate how wonderful someone is when you live with them every day of your life.
i had intentions at one point to write valentines for all of my friends and all of the people i respect(and i mean everyone. including about thirty people in the school of music--it was going to be busy.) with just a note saying how much i appreciate them and why. i feel like i should have gone through with it, but somehow it was embarrassing. isn't that sad? i felt too embarrassed to tell people whom i respect why i admire them. i wonder if i could go ahead and do it now.
i feel like people will never know what they mean to me. i say so little about it. i think so much about it. i appear to put so little effort into it.
well, not always. i guess i usually do well with birthday presents and whatnot. i spend so much time for those things. i think i've let kat down this year, though, since i have no money. i think i'm going to have to send her something at school to constitute the rest of her present.
it's too hard to deal with presents, really. i collect things as much as six months in advance, typically. especially for jenna and lisa, since i never see them, and i often end up combining winter holidays with birthdays. i love it when i can give someone a present that they're truly happy with, though. and some of the reactions i've gotten are fabulous. like lisa's famous one. i give her a large, red, foam foot. she exclaims, "i can use this!!" umm.... lisa? you scare me.
of course getting presents is always amusing, i guess. i think i generally like the gag gifts better. like the headless, plastic, green buddha jenna gave me for last christmas. and the orange, burlap "i love sudan" sign. that thing is infamous now. it'll go up in my bedroom for as long as i can manage to do it and look at all dignified.
*sigh* i miss my dorm room. i miss my hallway. i miss my dorm. i miss my school. now we have the proper run down.
when i get back i'll have the same room as last year. i can't wait to get everything all together again. i won't even have to adjust my ethernet settings. same ip and everything. damn, i'm so pathetic i'm getting misty-eyed about my ethernet.
honestly though, i'm going nuts without my computer. i haven't heard "un cri court dans la nuit" or "on ira tous au paradis" or any cirque du soleil in a month now. why didn't i take quidam with me?? eeargh. i really am just insanely fixated on music. i can't feel unhappy while listening to café europa by deep forest. it doesn't work. i always pick music to reflect my mood, and i'm always listening to music. of course it isn't working here, since debi doesn't seem to want to hear anything lately, and she's moved her blammed air mattress into the living room. argh. what's the point of your bedroom, then?
incidentally, this also means i'm typing in the dark. another wonderfully fun thing. although it does prove that i know how to touch type. i'm not even making many errors. hmm. should i be proud? no. i should conclude that i need to spend more time off the computer. *nodnod*
so now that we've established that, why don't i try going to sleep to prove that i'm capable of such a thing? of course i'm not. earlier to bed only means i'll be earlier to rise and back on the computer again. it's so lame. let me try to tell myself it's not. *pause* nope, not working. yes, well now it's time to head off, i suppose. g'night.
posted by barbara at 2:48 AM

 
slow day again today. rob stayed over, and i got to cook breakfast for the three of us. i dunno why i'm nominated for these things, but lemme tell you, i'm not the best person to get to make pancakes for you. of course i gave ample warning, and they weren't that terrible, but i just don't feel it's wise to ask me. "light and crispy" the box claimed. hum. mine were suspiciously heavy, actually. how do you screw up pancakes from a box? *shrug*
well, in any case, i haven't gotten terribly much done today, as usual. that's ok, though, because really what do i care? what have i to do, anyhow? i decided about an hour ago that i would embark on a new and completely pointless task...
i've been spending way too much time on the brunching board as usual, and today a thread was bumped again... my grouper on the board, trench, made a map of where brunchers live, and people have requested to be added for months now. of course trench hasn't been around for over a month, so this won't get too far. i really want to see an updated map, but that's obviously going to have to wait. well, in any case, what i decided is that maybe i can put together a little project that'll make it a bit easier to update the map.
i'm going to put together a brunching directory, basically same idea as the map but nonvisual and more updated. i figure this way it'll obviously not be a replacement, but it'll still do something. well, that's the theory.
i've already put down about one hundred sixty people. seems like it isn't a lot for a board in excess of one thousand people, but heavens knows that a bunch of those are people who never really got involved, and i'm not tracking down every scrappy. also a bunch of people don't disclose location, and i'm sure not going to dig around and try and get it. because that would make me a freak. ok, a bigger freak, i mean. well, in any case, i'm going to just say that anyone who wants to be added or subtracted should tell me, and hope that'll appease anyone who'd like to be pissed off.
well, in any case, i have work again tomorrow, and life is just supernormally exciting, i'm sure. i just want time to push on faster. i feel really guilty for feeling that way. firstly, it's a waste of life, and life should be precious. secondly, i never see my sister, and i should be valuing this time more highly. thirdly, i'm really happy right now, so why am i pushing to go forward? i don't understand, really.
well at least i can explain the second point. i still don't see debi all that much. we don't precisely have oodles of quality time together since she works days, i work nights, and she leaves on weekends. sort of messy, really. i'm still seeing enough of her, i think, but it really just doesn't seem to add up to much. *shrug*
it's such a sauna in here today. debi and i could not figure out why. it's been hotter in previous weeks, but the house has stayed cool. all of a sudden it's just awful and there seems to be no reason behind it. if this keeps up i'm going to end up buying a fan as soon as i get my first paycheck. we only have one, and debs is guarding it somewhat jealously of late. i don't blame her--she's uncomfortable enough as it is with gaping holes in her mouth and whatnot, but that doesn't mean i really appreciate sweating to death.
well, now i know why i have my two pairs of shorts. can't wear them outside much, but they work well indoors on days like this. i can sit here absolutely motionless, and i'm still sweating bullets. bloody utah.
hmm, i have nothing to say, really, and i'm tired and overly warm. i hope i can fall asleep in this awfulness. *sigh* g'night.
posted by barbara at 1:52 AM

 
today was the hardest day at work i've had so far. i was busy nonstop, and i was behind all day. i started the day with two full carts of returns to do, and by the time i had one cart done there was another waiting for me. meanwhile, them more progress it seems you've made, the harder it is to progress further, since what is left increasingly becomes things that you haven't ever seen before and you can't place. in any case, with more returns piling up consistently in the dressing rooms i wasn't done with all of that until the store closed at ten.
before today i was a bit bored at work rather frequently. today i wanted the boredom back, for an hour or so. i still like work, though. just a bit tedious. i like everything. i'm so happy it makes me sick. =Þ
so tonight i'm just relaxing and being brainless in irc, and treasuring the thought that i'm off tomorrow. it's so nice to just stop thinking for a bit.
i'm really in the mood to go take a hike or go down to lake erie, really, but that doesn't work so well when you're in utah.
i was waiting for the bus this afternoon, and i was sitting on the grass under a tree with my walkman on and listening to deep forest. it was so simplistic, but so nice. considering how rural utah is, we certainly don't have much nature. just a bunch of enormous mountains in the background. whoopdee.
i feel like i'm not living enough while i'm here in utah. i'm not sure how much i can do about it, though. anywhere i want to go i have to walk. especially since i'm broke. i can't even eschew life in a meaningful way since i have no books. i can practice, i suppose, but legend complains and i don't even have a music stand, and i have no new music since i can't order any just yet since i have no money. are we sensing a theme? yes, i'm broke. most emphatically so.
i'm thinking tomorrow i'm going to be online again, i'm going to clean up a tad, and i'm going to cook things so that i actually have things to bring to work with me. today's dinner was yogurt, and apple and pieces of wheat bread. not awful, but i'd much rather have something more real. *shrug* not that fifteen minute dinners ever get really inspiring. six hour shifts with one fifteen minute break. argh, and sometimes more like seven hours if the managers get pissy.
i keep waiting to start hating my job. for some reason i just continually remain in a good humour. the simplest things are giving me joy lately. i was so happy to sit on the bus and listen to deep forest as i made my daily half hour commute. i walked around a bit before work with my headphones still on and just felt like everything was enjoyable, everything was an adventure. all pressures have been lifted from my shoulders.
i wonder if maybe it's at all related to my new path in life. my decision to drop my ed major means a huge drop in stress for me. i should be able to lead a somewhat normal life next semester. amazing. considering the habits i've gotten into, it should be worthwhile, too. i'll spend extra time with hallmates and maybe cooking or drawing or practicing some more--whoo! which is a far cry from what most college students seem to be doing with their spare time. largely the time abuser seems to be starcraft.
i think at this point no matter how bored i get i don't turn to video games or tv. granted the web is sufficiently awful as a time waster, but i think somehow it has to be more productive than at least tv. at least it's somewhat interactive. video games have some positive sides, i suppose. theoretically hand-eye coordination, and in some cases logic can be of use. i still think i prefer what i'm doing now. well obviously, or i wouldn't be doing it. but no, i mean in terms of practically looking at it, too. yes, it's a total time sink, but what i'm doing is talking to people and reading people's thoughts and ideas. granted one can't know how genuine all of this is, but still it strikes me that i must be seeing something of worth.
in the end, what i find most valuable spending time on is people, and what we create. i'm so appallingly social that way. but at the same time i'm not, since to some extent i'm almost studying humans as if i have a microscope which i'm looking through. half the time you can't shut me up, but half the time i'm just sitting there, watching. i sound psychotic. go me.
really, though... when i have nothing to add to a conversation, and i don't have any experience at all, i still sit there rapt in attention. today roup and la chile were going on about first prostitution, then drugs in irc, and i had absolutely nothing to add. i sat there and just watched, fascinated. i'm just a sinkhole. a pit. a black hole. i just absorb information. no matter how pointless. i can't say why i'm so interested, it makes no sense to me. maybe just the sort of concept of seeing how the other half lives.
most of us have quite narrow points of reference. i grew up in one state all my life. one town for most of my life. i have no foothold into the notions of so many other people's ground states. i don't want to change myself, but i still want to be able to understand, so i listen. a lot. everyone is different from me, so i can learn from everyone. and i do. i guess that makes rather more sense than i thought it did.
i suppose i also listen to see what people say that makes sense to me. to see what other people have in common, to see what people can understand of themselves, myself, other people, the world, and life in general. there is an incredible amount of learning that you can get from other people, and i think that's the sort of learning i like best.
obviously to some extent what you're learning always comes from another person, but i like the really direct version of this. also the common man doesn't give himself airs and act as though you should be learning from him, which makes things all the more pleasant. you just stay off to the side and observe and learn, but you don't get condescended to or ridiculed.
arguments are probably the best way to get inside someone's head, and i think that's probably one of the only valid uses of arguments. i've been observing so many of them lately, and i think that there's an enormous problems with arguing.
generally if you care enough to argue a point you already believe it. if you really believe it, then generally it's for a reason. this means that most arguments can't ever be resolved because there is some fundamental point somewhere in the argument where both people just *cannot* see the other view as valid. i don't even think this is necessarily bad, but i think that the idea behind arguing should not be to try to bring your opponent over to your way of thinking. i think it can be profitable for others since they can hear new ideas and decide their own ideologies, but if you already believe something, then any change will be your own.
basically arguments are most profitable if you expect to grow in your own thinking, and possibly help others find new thoughts, but the idea of winning an argument strikes me as bogus for the most part. or at least it is with any sufficiently unknowable or debatable matter.
that said, i love arguments, because it's a great mental exercise, and i like to see how other people's minds work, as i said before. my only issue is people who take everything too seriously and can't deal with people finding their point of view distasteful. i really think the whole world could do a lot better if everyone learned to laugh at themselves. after all, it's a wonderful source of amusement. especially if you're as big a fool as i am.
it's four twenty am. i'm up too late. my hair feels spiffy. my thoughts are disjointed, and i'm heading off. g'night.
posted by barbara at 3:25 AM

 
it's hard to try and write anything in here because my sister is asleep on the floor behind me and rob will be back any minute to sit somewhere behind me and read. there are a lot of things that i'd rather be alone while doing, and this is definitely one of them.
debi was in such bad shape today. she got her wisdom teeth out and she was miserable almost all day. i can't stand just looking at her suffering and not having any recourse. basically all i did to help was talk to her, get her iced drinks, and make her dinner. i can't even deal with keeping company with her well, since she has been in so much pain that she repeatedly just started crying hysterically. this left me standing over her, staring blankly, helpless.
she seems to be feeling better now. i'm hoping she heals quickly. of course i won't really be seeing her much tomorrow since i'll be working, so it's a good thing she has rob to keep her company. bless him, he's really good to her, and right now she's miserable, so she really needs it. i was thinking about how i'd deal with it if or when i have to get my wisdom teeth out. by and large i'm just hoping to avoid it.
i think that if i end up with these sorts of problems i wouldn't so much want someone there to care for me. or well, not that, quite, i mean i'm sure it would be nice, but i wouldn't entirely be comfortable with it. i'm very focused on being self-sufficient, and i always value independence above all. i think i'd never be able to completely give up on helping myself--i'd be struggling out of bed and getting things for myself no matter how crappy i felt
the last time i ever really had someone wait on me the way i did for debi today was in the ninth grade when i got the flu. for half a day or so i really just couldn't get up, so my mom brought me juice and things like that. i think that might sum up how much i've ever gotten waited on.
today was fairly boring in terms of events, but good in terms of conversations, i think. i had another conversation with my friend, adam, about careers, etc. i'm so worried about it now that i'm thinking i'll be on my own in a year. i keep picking at this same point, but this is where my life is headed, so it's slightly important to me.
anyhow, i was talking with adam about all the certifications he's taking and whatnot when he asked me what i was going to do with school and whatnot. i've talked to him more this summer than most people from my school. i haven't even known him that long, but he's such a good person that it doesn't seem to make that much of a difference.
anyhow, i told him about my plans to drop the education degree so that i can get out next year. i think he was a bit shocked, but he joked about it as always. "no, you can't do that." "why not?" "you can't leave before me." he says i have to come visit a lot. :) don't i want to? i'm really going to miss school.
in any case, i told him i wanted to get out of school with my bachelor's in music and then do something pretty much unrelated. damn me, i sound stupid. i told him that i wanted to do something related to audio editing or whatnot, and i asked him if i was out of my mind and totally being unrealistic. his answer was really reassuring. i'm hoping he's right.
adam said, "ok, i assume people getting into it have the technical skills...you know what? you can teach a monkey to do that...but to notice the music and have a feel for how it should be...and knowing why...being able to explain it to someone (like me) is a rare quality in that field...you know music...and you know it well...theory and all. you have an advantage over them. especially if you have a real interest in it..some people do this cuz they can't do something else. i know you are a perfectionist.... and your ear is trained... i only see why you'd be good at it."
what a response. i felt so much better about it all after that. i'll need training and all, but talking with rob... he seems to be quite competent and he hasn't gotten his bachelor's in computers yet. he's going to go back and do it now. if he can do it, then i can't see why i can't. it'll take me a while to get to where i really want to be, but i'll be ever so happy to learn in any case.
of course after that discussion, adam was telling me about how much money he's dished out getting his certifications. one thousand two hundred and thirty five dollars is what it added up to. although he said that he gets reimbursed by his employers since it's job training and counts as a write off for them. still, he's going to be taking three exams in the next month and a half, and it certainly seems to be a lot of effort. no, i'm not going to worry about that. i've already proved that i'll put in the work if i really want the end result.
i don't think i have particularly good discipline or what have you, but i do put in the work a surprising amount of the time considering how lazy i think i am. i can't figure out why. i think it's still external stimuli. i refuse to fail because of what others will think if i do. not the best approach, but give me a while and i'll work on a new one.
i've never been more sure in my life that i'm getting to be a better person over time. i'm sure i'll have setbacks or whatnot, but i think i can see an amazing improvement in so many aspects of myself over the last three years. this point in time is especially amazing to me, as i'm beginning to really feel positively about myself and life in general.
i've always felt as though i wasn't quite good enough, or smart enough, or talented enough. now i'm beginning to see that while i certainly have limitations, and certainly i'm not the best at anything, that doesn't mean that i'm invalid.
cara had a poster up in our room. "the forest would be awfully quiet if no birds sang but the best." not exactly those words, but close. so maybe there are better flutists than me, should i not be proud of my accomplishments? ok, so i'm not fluent in french, does that mean my seven years of learning were wasted? i'm not the next mahler, but i still like what i compose. other people do, too.
if someone enjoys a performance of mine, a composition of mine, even my company, then am i not a worthwhile person? to look for only the most perfect enjoyments for satisfaction would be insane and a waste of the joys of life. granted i can't provide the best philosophical arguments, but if anyone learns anything from me, then my time is not wasted. one doesn't wait for the most complete miseries in order to be down cast, so any joy that you can bring has to be equally valid. i don't have any completely and utterly base flaws, but i can still be highly critical of myself. i don't have any completely and utterly perfect strengths, but why should i not still value them as an uplifting part of myself?
some day all of this is going to come crashing in on my head, and i'll finally understand and i'll become a complete egotist. nah, i just don't think i could manage that. society trains us too well for those sorts of things. i think, though, that i am slowly coming to grips with who i am, and i'm getting to the point where i'm happy about it. i've always had respect for myself hidden somewhere under all the self-flagellation, and i'm beginning to see it and to be able to rationalize why. there are a lot of positive things about me, and it isn't all about mental whatever, which is what i've always used in the past as an attempt to bolster my self esteem.
i think the best things about me are unrelated to intelligence. here, let's be completely immodest and actually write them down. then, too, i can laugh at myself later.
i have a lot of morals and high standards which i usually meet. i'm honest to the point where i can't lie if it's for my benefit, even if i try. i love people and i let them know. i have a lot of empathy and i have no qualms about listening to people and helping them. i have patience and when i know i'm reaching my limits i generally manage to walk away and not have the results of my nerves foisted off on others. i have very little in the way of temper. i'm quite good at laughing, and i'm humble enough that i laugh at myself quite often. i'm considerate of others. basically i will give of myself as much as possible to help others because i'm not a selfish person. perhaps self-centered, but not narcissistic or self-absorbed, i think.
i think that i have a fairly good soul. my mind is decent, although i never really feel i measure up. my body can just go all to heck. really though, if i wanted anything to measure up, it's what i've got. now i can be all filled with hubris and muck the whole thing up. =Þ
so now that i've gotten all odd and stopped beating myself, we can all belittle me for thinking i'm okay, and then i can get on with my life as usual. *grin* don't let me get in too good a mood, i might actually decide i'm a worthwhile human being. well, so i think i'll attempt to go off in a good humour and quit now. g'night.
posted by barbara at 2:47 AM

 
another fun day of work. it's lonely. out of six hours i estimate i spend an hour and a half with people, and four and a half with clothes. *disgruntled sigh* debi got back from her vacation. she seems to be well. she says rob's exhausted. legend is, too. i'm happier that way. no jumping, no licking, just him laying there looking vaguely cute. (or as cute as a dog could be.)
so rob and debi abducted me after work. i say this because we didn't go home. we went to wal-mart. i am always in such an odd mood after work.... continuous physical activity without mental stimulation... then i get free... then my mind goes off the deep end, and i get to wandering around yodeling, or some such thing. as we browsed in wal-mart i found a fun discovery. wal-mart carries pocky. both strawberry and chocolate. i was amused. "they have pocky!" i cried. "lore likes pocky!! they have pocky at wal-mart!" debi starts looking at me funny. "they have polo shirts at wal-mart! i can be normal at wal-mart!" (i swear i'm going to sig that when i get back home and i can find the exact wording in the looooong irc autolog)
i confused the heck out of debi. it only got worse, since rob is much sillier than i am. much funnier, actually. anyhow, we had a grand old time, and i've got myself more beans. what more could i want from life? =Þ
so after about an hour at walmart we packed into the car again, but this time i had about ten bags of groceries surrounding me, plus i had an egg crate thinger in my lap. debi decides at this point she wants to go to wendy's. it's about twelve fifteen.
well, we decide to go to the one in payson, since we're past any other local ones, and that one's relatively close to home. we get there about twelve twenty five. damn. they closed at midnight. "damn," i say. "if we hadn't left spanish fork... that one's open until two." rob looks at debi. "you want to?" debi considers. debi wants to, but feels it's silly. i sort of threw the whole thing over and voted to go, knowing that if i didn't, i'd end up cooking something for debi's dinner anyhow.
we drive off to spanish fork. it's twelve forty five. we get to the drive thru which is indeed open. we order. rob gets something entirely too complicated. i ask for a baked potato. debi wants nothing more than a large chili. she really wants it, though. they're out. debi grumps. we consider. perhaps the supermarket? no, not the same. hum.... there's another wendy's in provo.... what? you can't be serious? rob picks up the cell phone. who are you calling? i have wendy's number memorized, i'm calling ahead.
hi, mike? when does the wendy's near work close? one?? ok.
rob looks at the time on his cell phone. about twelve of. do you think we can make it? debi is skeptical and things we should pan the whole notion. i'm feeling silly and suggest we try it anyhow. i think debi's secretly rather pleased with this. we jet off to provo at about eighty miles an hour and make it at about three minutes to one. they close at two. we look awfully silly.
so debi gets her chili and all is well with the world. meanwhile, i'm in the back seat trying to eat a potato in the dark with an egg crate in my lap. the whole affair was darned funny. especially since rob's such a joker. he calls mike again. umm, yeah, so the wendy's is open until two, which is important to know if your girlfriend ever really needs a chili this late at night and you try in payson and they're closed so you go to spanish fork and they're out of chilli, but you get to provo and get some. except that would be your wife. yeah. just wanted to explain.
i wish i could be as funny as rob. i'm all envious. i think my humour falls flat with a lot of people. some of my friends think i'm hysterical, but it takes a certain kind of person, and i think people have to get to know me a bit before they know what i'm blathering about. i don't know why it works that way, though. i always feel i'm just not witty enough, clever enough.... half of what people find funny about me is my complete and utter obliviousness resulting in stupidity. yeah, i end up looking fairly stupid with alarmingly frequency.
i guess i'm just feeling overly inferior now, since i haven't seen anyone from school in so long, and the only people i'm talking to are brunchers. (i swear they're all bloody brilliant and they make me look like third grader.) actually, all my coworkers think i'm funny, but i think i have shock value, or something. i'm the weird new yorker. we talk about college experience, and i'm at a rather liberal college, while people like jamie are going to brigham young.... where you get kicked out for things like short skirts. umm. yeah.
everyone i talk to at work wants to leave utah. i think at least five coworkers have said this. no wonder they have so many kids... you lose a large percentage. =Þ
it's amazing how nice people are, but i keep feeling like i have to watch my tongue. i'm pretty liberal even for a new yorker. plus i'm not even christian. it's a good thing i don't curse, but i'm having to watch my damns, hells, and gods. (that's right. there are a whole bunch of those just floating around.) things are going well, though. it's just too boring.
i was calculating how many more days i'll have to pull through. rough estimate is that i have about twenty five more work days if my schedule stays the same. i just want it to go faster. i really wish i felt like i were doing something. i want an end result. this continual straightening only to be mussed again later is beginning to drive me mad. well, not mad, but i'm frustrated. oh well. it'll be over soon enough. then i'll go on to finish pointless tasks for school, then i'll get a pointless job.
i was talking about it with debi today... she's the one who claims that most jobs are pointless. probably true, but i think mine is especially so. in any case, what i said is that what i felt was least pointless in my life was human interaction, and i'm bloody well not getting much, so of course i'm frustrated. *sigh* she asked me if it would be better at home. certainly not. i'd maybe have melinda and anna to talk to, but they aren't really good friends anyhow.
i also think that if i had stayed at home, i wouldn't still be home at this point. i'd have just flipped and found a way to leave by now. whatever is necessary i will do in order not to live with mom. this will be why i will be a success in life. can't afford not to. i have been thinking about life after school a lot. i think i've decided it will work. i won't let it do otherwise. i am quite determined to finally be truly independent. with this strong a motivation, i can't possibly fail. i hope.
anyhow, it's insanely late at night. late start with all the running around.... so i should definitely get to sleep now. g'night.
posted by barbara at 5:16 AM

 
happy fourth of july. i did nothing patriotic today. i did nothing much at all today, actually. went shopping and made quiche, so that's two things i said i'd do.
i'm having a conversation with annenayne (yes, another bruncher) in irc now about careers, etc. what she's saying is really great. i started the conversation because she seems to be doing what she actually wants in life--acting. she says that i should just go for what i want. it sounds so good...
she also said that going out west is not necessary and i should go where i want to be. i hope i can... if i can find a roommate and afford to rent an apartment... has to be somewhere in new england. i just want to be away from things, but close enough to a city to make life feasible.
meanwhile, anne pointed out some things that should have been more obvious to me... like the possibility of playing theatre pit jobs. i want to do lessons, of course. if i can get set up even in a temp job, and get five or so students for lessons, then i should be able to afford living, no problem. i'm feeling really positive about this, actually. i'm feeling really positive about everything. :)
if i can make life reasonable and not leave the east, i'll be so happy. i could deal with almost anywhere in new england. and if i have to travel for work, that wouldn't bother me that much, either. i have a lot of tolerance for a lot of things, and if i have my freedom, then i'll be fairly happy regardless. i think i'm proving that now, since why would anyone else feel happy living in a basement apartment, having no social life, no friends in state, and working at k mart? if i can be happy here, i'll be more than happy back east.
i'm beginning to wonder if 'm a fundamentally happy person. i'd think it's because i'm free for the summer, but this isn't the first time i've been away for a summer and whatnot. hum. it's not change of scenery, because utah couldn't make anyone happy. maybe it's change in diet. maybe it's change in me.
it's funny... for the longest time i didn't really want to be happy. i felt as though it was superficial and it would make me a shallow person. somewhere down deep i was happy to be miserable, since i felt it had more meaning. man, i *love* laughing at myself. i'm hysterical. i think happiness won't mean i can't relate to others, or i'm not thinking, or i'm shallow... all it means is that i'm easier to get along with, and i'm healthier.
wow. i've been online for fourteen and a half hours today. i took a bit of a break and i read some, and i went to the store for a half hour, but by and large.... i really like the internet and whatnot too much. eek.
so today my friend, lisa, from school told me we have fifty four days left until school starts again. and i thought i was the only one who really wants to be back. at least i'm not to the point where i'm counting. =Þ i'll just be happy to see august come.
when i get home mom shouldn't really bother me much, since she'll have been deprived of my company and it'll take her a while to get sick of me. also, i've worked and whatnot, so she has no legitimate gripes. i'm thinking that by and large i'm just not going to really deal with her if possible. i'm going to pack for school, i'm going to read and i'm going to stay out of her way. i'm almost twenty one, and i won't even be dependent much longer.
oh my. scary thought. i'm going to have to fill out my taxes on my own soon. ew. i'm going to have to ask for advice on that for sure. i'm sure there are a lot of difficulties in living on your own. i understand personal responsibilities and getting the bills out on time, which seems to be my mom's rallying battle cry. i just don't see the issue. but maybe that's because i don't use credit cards. you get four bills or so for utilities and you pay the rent. period. there aren't that many complications if you live simply. i'm not going to be doing any major spending any time soon, and i have no issues with that.
she doesn't think i'm going to make it, i swear. but my mother's take on life doesn't fit mine. i don't require what she does. my mother has three closets filled with clothes. what i can fit in my suitcase is enough for me. my mother is spending so much time and money on beauty whatever for all her dating. this is a non-issue for me. (or almost.) i won't even have a tv, and my taste is not expensive. basically i'll have my sister's lifestyle, but i'll be spending less because i won't be smoking (geez, debs).
i'm just such an optimist. i can't even see myself failing in my goals. it's sort of nice, actually. i wonder how irrational it is? can't be that bad, actually, since everyone goes through this and most people make it. warm, happy, fuzzy thoughts of bright futures and successful endeavors will send me to my sleep. or i'll pick up a book again and be up until six. whatever. g'night.
posted by barbara at 1:50 AM

 
so debi's off to salina for a few days with rob. oh, and with legend. WHOOO!! i am free of dog for at least two days!! i also have tomorrow off from work, and friday and sunday. it's nice having that sort of staggered schedule. gives my feet rest.
so tomorrow i should make a whole bunch of grand sounding plans for the fourth. then i should ditch them all and spend my life online again. =Þ i think i'm going to do the second part, even if i don't get to the first. really though i'm going to bake something tomorrow. i should clean, too. the left sink in the kitchen is death. *death!* i should also vacuum, since for once legend won't immediately be back to spoil it. if i get that much done, then i won't feel guilty about whatever time i end up wasting.
i should try to make it an early night. darn it, though, i can't since i'm so hungry again. my screwed up schedule: wake up anywhere from eleven to one, eat "breakfast" at two or so, leave for work at quarter of four, have "lunch" at about seven thirty, get back home anywhere from eleven to twelve fifteen, have "dinner" at one thirty in the morning, get to bed anywhere from two thirty to five. MESSED UP!
wait! i can make it all better. my schedule isn't messed up! i'm rebelling against the institution! did you believe me? i didn't believe me.
my life is so boring now. i work, i eat, i sleep, i spend spare time reading or on the computer. i suppose life can always be described in those sorts of terms, though. you just have to enjoy it anyhow. i am, i think... i'm just a bit bored. day five of k mart, and i know all there is to know about the women's and the men's departments. i've also learned a bit about kids today. by next week i'll have nothing left to learn. oh, well today i did find out something of use. most probably my salary is six dollars an hour. i can't be positive of this, but apparently that's the typical starting rate, and it's what everyone else is getting. at any rate i shouldn't be getting less than that. *shrug* huge bloody impact on my life, i'm sure.
i just don't care. it feels like work is almost unrelated to being paid. it's just something i have to do. no reasoning behind it. i show up, i do trivial things, i go home. it's an obligation. i was thinking about it on the bus ride there today. i felt like being on the bus for something other than work. even just to ride around and transfer once or twice and do nothing practical, but just ride the bus. would have been more entertaining for me.
i'm fairly easily amused. it isn't hard to keep me busy. repetition and drudgery really get to me, though. i'm sure it's like that for everyone. there's also something about working in clothing.... it's a never ending task, and the people you are supposed to help are the enemy, in a way, because it is their existence which makes your job so tedious. if they didn't futz around with the shelves so much, you'd be doing something more interesting. or you'd be out of work. *shrug* at least with register a customer you ring up stays rung up. i straighten the same racks of shirts ten times a day. i want to go back to register every once in a while just to switch it up. and amazingly that job required more thinking than this one. *sigh*
i wonder how many days of work i will have in total. i should make a paper chain and count down. get this darned month over with. i want august. i want my computer back. i want out of utah. i want to go to brunchmeet. i want return to school. i whinge a lot about my summer, but i think that i really appreciate school while i'm there. granted i whinge then, too, but it's about assignments, and i feel blessed just to be on campus about ten times a week. i'm not just constantly looking to the future, i do enjoy the present. just i enjoy it more when i'm at school. =Þ
so kathryn and her family are in france by now, i bet. *sigh* kat asked me to email her my address in utah before i left, so i'm hoping for a postcard. although really who expects kat to be that well organized? oh. damn. i should have asked her to send me a couple lollipops.
i'm not much on candy in general... i think sugar makes my teeth hurt. heck, thinking about sugar makes my teeth hurt, but chupa chups are worth it. those things kick. introduced to them by my second french teacher, and when i went to france in high school.... no tabac was safe. i hoarded the things. i really want to go back.
i keep feeling like opportunities in life are wasted because i didn't value them enough at the time. really, though it isn't the case here. there wasn't much more that i could have done while on a school trip with supervision most of the time. i had to follow their schedule, so of course i didn't do all i wanted.
i really want more time in paris, nice, toulouse, monoco, lausanne.... we rushed through three countries in ten days. i want a month in paris alone. i want to live in the culture, not tour it. who bloody cares about the arc de triomphe? i'd rather go to market and watch the people, see the museums more closely, enjoy the scenery... i want to be immersed in culture. i don't want to be at tourist traps surrounded by other tourists. if i go to france, i want to see the french. if i wanted tourism, i'd hang in the metropolitan back home. which is sort of cool, too, but not worth a six hour plane ride.
i hope i can get some money together and go back. i need at least a month. i'd really like to live in france for a year. it would be so rough to work out, though. this is what college should have been for. i wasted it. should have studied abroad... but i didn't know how my curriculum was going to turn out. couldn't have guessed that i might have actually had time.
well now i'm tired, remorseful, mildly dizzy, and still relatively content. what? i'm incurably happy. i'm going to head off early, though, i think. well, if two counts as early. anyhow, g'night.
posted by barbara at 1:10 AM

 
i have a fundamentally good nature. i've known people who out do me, but really, i'm fairly nice. i've been doing whatever debi asks of me. i've been cooking all her food. i make her salad to take to work. today i get to make another salad, cut up celery, hard boil some eggs, and make a veggie dip. i am good natured. however. things will begin to get to me after a while.
day four of k mart. if you do not work at k mart, then most probably you are under them impression that shirts and clothing in general can be fit into two categories: folded and not folded. as an employee of the most wonderful k mart corporation, i can tell you there is a third state. "quasi-folded." in this phase of shirt life, it seems to an unpracticed eye that the shirt is folded and is sitting neatly on the table. in reality, we know the shirt is undermining the whole foundation of our k mart and eating away at its cleanliness and even its friendliness. bah.
the thing is that people take all these folded shirts on our tables and pick them up. they look at them. they fuddle with them. *almost no one ever tries one on!* if they did, we'd have them back in the fitting room, and we'd know that we'd have an easy problem to solve. nooo. they just *pick them up!* the end result is that half the shirts are sloppy, half are completely unfolded and there's another, much more insidious half... (yes, there are three halves: there are just *that* many shirts at k mart.) this half is the quasi folded half. these are the shirts that the customers have fuddled with, then *pretended* to put back neatly.
slowly... slowly... the incredible number of these shirts eats away at your soul. soon you are left screaming in agony in the middle of the display floor, "did you even *need* to look at this shirt?!?! it's striped lime green and maroon!!! why pick it up in the first place?! are you all bloody lunatics?!?!" ok, so no, it isn't that bad, but today i almost lost my temper with a display of t shirts. hum. we need more than six hours of sleep, is the conclusion.
really, though. not all k mart clothing is ugly, but sometimes we wonder about these things. were you aware that you can purchase tube tops at k mart? with the kind of people we get in that store, i think it's a major tactical error to market tube tops. bad!! *shudder*
might i also add that i would have thought in utah there wouldn't be many people who didn't speak english. all of the people who speak naught but spanish head immediately for the shoe department which is *next* to my department, but about which i know nothing, and immediately ask for things in sizes that don't seem to exist. oh, and might i add that they return frequently. and they bring friends. who also don't speak english. but they pretend that the more people there are, the more coherent things become. um.... no.
i have absolutely nothing against people who don't speak english. i'd almost rather be one myself. only problem is that we don't seem to actually have associates in the shoe department, which leaves me with a lot of head nodding and exaggerated shoulder shrugging gestures while i listen to people say "quintze!" or something like that. we don't want your large-footed, freaky selves in here!!! we are k mart! we market to those of completely normal foot size! get out! OUT!!
pardon me, i think i'm being me at the moment. always a mistake. hold on while i attempt to rectify the matter.
ahem. yes. well, so today was fairly good. i proved yet again that i become an utter ditz without warning if i feel at all nervous or unsure of myself. i wish k mart had a different set up. it's all by brands. no one want to know where the kathy ireland line is, for heavens sakes. they want a pair of black pants. this is what normal people do! why couldn't we set up the store the way normal people shop??
anyhow, so what this means is that i get questions of "where can i find a skirt that looks like such and such" and my answer is, "either there, there, down that aisle, there, or, heaven help you, in clearance, in which case i hope you have a spare hour or so to figure that out."
i have a love-hate relationship with the clearance racks. on one hand, if you have something that is completely unidentifiable, is one of a kind, is not recognizable as a garment, etc, then putting it on a clearance rack makes it look in place, and it's a safe bet that it is on clearance, because this is k mart, and bloody everything is on clearance. on the other hand, i'm also supposed to make the clearance rack look presentable. *gag* yeah, that happens.
meanwhile, the longer you stay in a situation, the more you begin to use relative values for that situation. in this case there is a very evil effect: i have begun to look at some of our clothes speculatively. "wow, this is almost attractive! look! it's only twelve bucks! i should get it!" *sandry whacks herself upside the head* no, you shouldn't get it. this is k mart. just because this garment lacks polka dots doesn't mean that it deserves to be in your wardrobe. also note that i cannot afford a twelve dollar garment, even if it was twenty eight originally.
today was even worse, because we stayed late to clean up the store, and we eventually all got forced into the pantry. (i should say the pantry department, or something like that, but i'm leaving that since it just looks odd. =Þ) this meant that i had a whole new department of things that i could use my new relative values on. not only that, but all the stuff is cheaper, and is actually more valid in terms of need. "wow! generic cereal is $1.50 a box! i'll have to get here early tomorrow and buy some! look! oregano! a whole jar for $1.19! i need oregano for my cooking! ooh! pasta is only fifty five cents!" *whap* stoppit!!
we do not shop at k mart unless there is some sort of dire threat. ok, so that's not true. i'm going to cave in tomorrow and buy cereal at least. but i need it. really. umm. well, i ran out of generic grape nuts. *whimper* argh. k mart is a vortex.
well, anyhow i won't see debs until thursday or friday now. she's leaving tomorrow and between her working and my working i'll manage to miss her entirely tomorrow. commence boredom.... NOW!
i''ve decided that i'm going to have a bloody party on wednesday, since it's the fourth, i'm not working, and i'm stuck here alone. no, i'm not literally having a party. maybe i'll have loud, obnoxious music, though. *grin* actually, i'm going to go and buy some stuff and i'm going to bake. i've been really wanting to, but i'm not going to make cookies or anything like that in front of debi since she really can't afford to eat that stuff. at this point i think i'm not in danger. for quite a while now i've been more health conscious than she has, and yet somehow she's the one losing weight. *shrug*
anyhow, debi's insanely high blood sugar last night seems to have been abnormal as she measured it again this morning and it dropped a hundred thirty whatever units they are. i'm hoping that this will force debi to actually take care of herself, but thus far it's looking like it's forcing me to take care of her upon her request. hum. at least she's trying, though. why am i so willing to do this crap for her?? i'm not really getting walked on or anything, but it's a little silly that the girl doesn't generally do as much as put ice and water in a cup for herself.
well, she is appreciative, and i think she'd do the same for me. maybe. ok, i'm not sure she'd do the same for me, but i've been doing it to some extent all my life, and i'm used to it. hey look, i can be trained. *snerk*
i should go to bed. i haven't been feeling tired at this hour, though. damn it! i don't this schedule. *sigh* it's two thirty am, and i haven't had dinner yet. well, i had some spinach. talk about your bizarre midnight snacks. of course i hadn't discovered something it was actually feasible for me to have for dinner until just now.
vegetarian vegetable soup. with whole grain bread. and i'm adding broccoli to it, because i don't think there are enough vegetables in it. *brief pause* *sandry smacks herself again* lunch was rice and beans. what i am eating is so healthy that it sounds like a joke. i've been having this sort of diet for at least a couple months now. i ought to be bloody burgeoning with health. i think now that i won't get diabetes because my normal diet seems to consist of less sugar than debs' new diet.
i'm hoping that i'm one of the twenty five percent, though. one of the few who has a sister with diabetes, but misses entirely. i don't want genetic predisposition to more illnesses, thank you. i despise taking medicine, and i'm not much on doctors. i figure i've got my one issue, poly cyctic ovary, and that's all that i'm up for, thank you. not that it's interfering much in my life, i guess. ok, so i'm stuck popping birth control pills, which i found rather embarrassing at first, but it's not much affecting my life. the only thing is that i wonder how long i should really be on medication like this. it has massive effects on hormonal aspects of my body (which would make sense since that would be how to solve my problem in the first place) and i rather doubt that it's good for me in the end. although dr. gibstein did say that it decreased chance of ovarian cancer. well he also said that there was another fix for my problem: get pregnant. umm. yeah.
i never really liked the answers he gave me. didn't seem complete enough. i want to talk to someone else about it, and i've read a few things on the internet. what i was getting from there is that my problem is related to insulin. interesting, since my family now has quite the number of diabetics. it was suggested that diet could eliminate the cause of the issue, instead of mucking about with drugs which only fix the symptoms or results of the issue. i really should talk to someone about this, but i don't want to involve my parents since they don't seem to take these things seriously or well.
last summer i was practicing a lot more than this summer, and i started getting shots of numbness down my right arm. scared me absolutely witless. two very good friends of mine from the music program have tendonitis that has put part of their courses on hold, and i know more people who have had to drop their major because of it. i asked my mother what to do about it, and she told me that i wasn't to worry because it just could not be tendonitis--i'm too young. gina wasn't too young. she couldn't play violin for months. julia wasn't too young. she almost had to give up guitar entirely. sarita wasn't too young. she only got through one semester freshman year before having to drop her piano major.
i explained this to her. i explained how important it is. it is not something that can be blown off. it is my bloody career. mom still insisted that i was being melodramatic and that it couldn't be anything at all. ok, i'm emotional, but i'm not irrational, and i'm not being bloody melobloodyfirggingdramatic. you have *no* medical authority! at this point i just keep wanting to tell her to shut the hell up. i now have an utter lack of respect for her. she thinks she's automatically entitled by being my mother. news to you, you aren't a worthy mother.
i think i've formalized a decision i had already been toying with. it is no longer my mother's right to know exactly what is going on in my life since all her attempts at help jeopardize my situation, and her nagging makes me sick, literally. you aren't helping me, and you aren't even capable of understanding what is important in my life. get out. i volunteer information that she doesn't really have to know about, then i get attacked for it. no more. i'm hardly even financially dependent on her anymore. she's spending maybe five hundred dollars on my tuition and three hundred on my books. i could get a loan of eight hundred more and completely get rid of her, if i had to. i don't want to be dependent on her anymore, because i can't be subordinate to her. i have to put my own path in front of me, and she doesn't quite seem to want that. or she thinks i should want a different path.
she isn't malicious, though. it's just odd. debi had an excellent analogy for it. mom wants to help us. when debi was having hard times mom was especially interested in helping her. to the point where it got debilitating. debi's analogy. "i'm going down stream in a rowboat. i need to row upstream, and it's an effort. you want to help with that effort because you want me to make it. you're trying to get in the rowboat and row with me. what you're missing here is that it's a one person rowboat, and you're making it sink."
mom was harassing debi about her diet and other things again today. mom was harassing debi about debi having anxiety about her diabetes. your harassment is *not* providing her with less anxiety.
really it's so stupid it's almost comic. we laugh at my mother a lot. all the crises of the past make hysterical anecdotes. the devil dog story has become infamous.
really, though. how can you not laugh when you have heart rending distress brought about by frozen chicken parts? honest! mom and i got into a screaming argument over chicken. in front of jenna and lisa, who had just gotten there and were to be guests for a few days. my life is surreal.
damn, i'm just so happy not to be home. well, i should go and make debi's salad and whatnot. damn it all, it's three thirty, i'm not tired, and i'm about to start chopping veggies. now i know why late shift sucks. good night.
posted by barbara at 2:45 AM

 
day three of work. i love my coworkers. i'm enjoying my job. my life is fabulous and i'm so happy. well, okay so it isn't, but i'm putting on a good show.
debi is quite sick, and i'm rather worried for her. she's going on a camping trip for a bit this week, and i'm hoping it'll help with her stress levels.
yesterday i got a call from her at quarter of four because she was feeling really ill... light-headed and freezing, so she was considering coming home. she seemed all right today, but it was the first time she had to take a blood test on her own, and it turned out even higher than it was at the doctor's.
debi's been looking up statistics and information on diabetes quite a bit this evening, and everything is looking bad. she said that it's the leading cause for heart attacks for people under thirty. my immediate mental reaction was, "well, yes, but it won't happen to you." after that thought came another interesting one. "i wouldn't care if it were me. i'd be less worried." i think i'm secretly convinced i'm indestructible. i've always seemed that way, at any rate.
i'm definitely in denial about debi, though. if i really start considering it i'm going to freak out entirely. meanwhile she also showed me a nice stat.... i have a seventy five percent chance of getting diabetes. it's the going rate if you've got a sister or brother with it. *sigh* well, i have been eating better, (rice and beans, baby!) but putting my back up against the wall is a fabulous way to ensure i pass up on dessert every day at school.
meanwhile i'm sitting here drinking this overly sugary strawberry guava juice. i don't even like it. all i want is some normal juice. who needs guava?? *sigh*
meanwhile, i've finished harry potter four. again. i have nothing left to read. i can read polgara the sorceress. again. *dramatic sigh* *glances at the bookshelf* well, so debi's also got strunk and white's elements of style, the bible, the book of mormon, the marx-engels reader, spanish the easy way, and two romance novels. top choices here, debs. oh, and how could i forget how to build a better vocabulary (because i really need to scare off more of the populace??) and le petit nicholas?
oh, actually i could read sylvia plath's collected poetry. i gave that book to debi. somehow sitting alone in a basement in the middle of a state where you know no one reading plath poetry strikes me as a bad idea, though. hmmm.
i'm going to be stuck here alone july fourth, and i just *know* that reading joining, by johanna lindsey is going to be a worthwhile expenditure of time.... right. i think i'll be online again. i should walk to the library instead and see if i can dig anything up. only problem is that i'm not entirely sure where the library is.
aargh!!! this is *not* fair. summer is my only chance to catch up on reading. the past three summers i was reading through sixty to eighty books in my free time. i've been through about twenty so far, i'd hazard, but the summer's halfway over, and i have no access to any more! *starts hitting things peevishly*
the other major issue is that i'm missing my music. i only brought a dozen or so cds with me, and i'm missing all the things that i couldn't get on cd. *sniff* what is my life without "on ira tous au paradis"? i love that song. i should sit down and translate it decently at some point. only thing is that i never like how it comes out in english. either it's me, or it's the language itself, but whenever i translate the end result is infinitely inelegant, whereas the original is always so beautiful.
right there. that. it's my argument against the whole cultural advancement whatever that roup (brunching ubb person) was putting forth. languages, musics and art forms of other cultures are unique and beautiful. french is in no danger of being lost, but what about the beauty of romanche? does anyone even know where that's from? every culture is worthwhile in and of itself, and even if change isn't forced upon them, having all cultures slowly drift toward the sickening thing we call "american culture" is a terrible thing.
the aspects of "american culture" that are being transmitted to other nations are probably the worst representations we could come up with! bloody n'sync and fast food and awful american tv. (i just had the urge to write "telly," dear me.) america has culture, although my immediate reaction is always to scorn it and belittle it. i think that things like underground music and art are quite worthwhile. even some movies. it's just that our mainstream pop culture sucks a llama's ass. pardon me, i just feel rather strongly about that.
consider mainstream american pop culture for a minute. currently the music scene consists of abysmal things like brittney spears and the same five alternative bands all renamed twelve times, the movie scene ends up being things like tomb raider and bring it on (haven't seen either, but *cough cough GAG*), cuisine consists of burgers, fries, hotdogs and just about anything fried, language additions we have made tend to be really pathetically stupid, and i like british english better anyhow... basically i have no respect for the things we're exporting in cultural terms.
okay, i'm taking even longer than usual with this, because i keep wandering off either physically or mentally. i stopped and made dinner at two am (stupid work schedule messes everything up), then i wandered through various sites for an hour... at this point my mind is in complete tangent mode.
here's what i'm thinking, though. i love people. not everyone is fabulous, or witty, or even kind, but people are still just so interesting. also, most of the people i've been interacting with are just wonderful. i put so much emphasis on interaction with others, but i'm considering going into a field where i'll be alone much of the time. what? and i think i'll be happier that way. what??
i don't know. i think maybe i'm at a point lately where everything will be good in my eyes. it's a great feeling, but it makes things a bit odd. especially for me. i'm not used to happiness, really, and i wonder if it's skewing my judgment. *grin* it isn't to a point where it's obscuring consequences or anything like that... it's just that nothing manages to deflate my mood. really. i'm so happy i feel like crying. heh. the mormons have drugged the water supply.
ooh, my foot is falling asleep. so should i. it's late, and i have to make my sister a salad. is that not random? yes, so i'm going to go and make a salad at four something in the morning then go to bed. i'm laughing at myself again. :) anyhow, g'night.
posted by barbara at 3:36 AM

 
there's nothing quite like drinking limitless water after two hours of thirstiness... eating a healthy dinner after several hours of hunger...i'm apparently not taking the best care of myself today, but now i suppose i'm quite appreciating my ability to actually do so. some of the best things in life happen under our noses while we aren't looking. my life is excellent at this point. i just wish legend would stop licking my shorts. freak job puppy. some day that dog will stay away from me while i'm holding the largest knife in the house... nah. i'm just not threatening, even with a knife the size of my forearm.
oh dear. do not write entries while having dinner. i just dropped a bean on the keyboard. not to mention that dinner at twelve thirty am is unreasonable in any case. school hours worked so well... sleep at three or so, awake at ten or eleven. except i really need nine hours. now i'm getting nine hours--sleep at two thirty, awake noonish. i hate it. i wish i were less of a night owl. actually, i just want to be up at all times. practical of me. argh.
well, so my major accomplishment of the day was laundry. took me over two hours, i believe, with walking and laundering time. argh. it's not that bad, but that was for only two loads of laundry. not even generous loads, either. i should have taken more. but i could hardly carry it as it was. why are clothes so heavy?? i want to know who lined my pockets with lead while i wasn't looking.
anyhow, with me being who i am, i used the laundry adventure as yet another way to show my ditziness. after i washed my clothes i went to put them into a dryer. "ooh, this looks like a big one. i can prolly get both loads in here." i can't seem to figure out how much it costs. i decide that it's prolly just more time for more quarters. i stick in two fifty in quarters. i can't start the machine yet. hum. i look at the machine again. that's not a dryer. it's an industrial size washer. i'm a complete moron.
well, it worked out all right because the guy who ran the laundry was really nice (even though i couldn't understand more than any three consecutive words he said) and let me use a dryer without paying more. it prolly wouldn't have cost two fifty, but at least i didn't look all that stupid and i didn't waste more money. he said that if i could get someone to use the washer i used, then he'd try to get me a refund, but i figured i was so stupid i didn't deserve the money, plus who uses that size washer? it was larger than the ones labeled "triple load."
i always evaluate myself that way. "i'm too (stupid, lazy, irresponsible...) to deserve pity." i really stab myself in the foot that way. i actually decided i didn't deserve to pass a class two semesters ago, and so i retook the course, rather than making up the final i managed to completely miss to get out of an incomplete. it was so stupid of me. i'm just too hard on myself. that was the semester when i had my insanely depressed roommate and i was just all over the place. i was literally the top student in the class up until that point, and i dropped a guaranteed A because i felt unworthy. sometimes i think i just need my head checked out. my prof had said that he had no problem with it, too. it's insane how stupid that was. *sigh*
i think i'm getting better. my self image has gotten so much better already... but then i see things i'm still doing and i just question how bad it must have been to begin with. i've promised myself that if i ever have children i am going to be damned well sure that i never make them feel the way i have. so many obstacles in my early life, i think. i'm amazed i've gotten this far when i think about it, but i ignore it when i'm evaluating my life and just assume i'm not up to standard. stupid. even without that sort of consideration i'm not exactly below the mean. i'm doing the best out of my family, i think, because i'm going to get out of school in four years with a degree.
i don't think even my father managed that. i could say that debs and dad went to better schools, but i've been working as hard, and i'm not in a real academic subject. a music major at columbia would have been easier for me. probably more enjoyable, too. wait, no! i'd have to visit the family every weekend or so. i take it back!!! ima would prolly even want me to live with her. i'd shoot myself.
mom always says i shouldn't compare. really, though? you have to have some sort of idea of what your peers are doing so that you know what level you're supposed to be at. comparing myself to my family may be detrimental, but no comparisons whatsoever? who can honestly manage that? the mind doesn't work that way.
at any rate, debi used to push it on me in the first place. she was obnoxious at times when we were younger. i'll never forget getting an A in my eighth grade french class and having her tell me, "i *never* got anything lower than an A+ in *all* my years of french." umm... debs? bite me. yeah.
we're all fallible, though. i know i've been in moods where i've been too reckless of other's feelings. i feel awful afterwards, and in recent times i've been strong enough to apologize. i'm really proud of that. i don't think anyone likes admitting they did something stupid or wrong, but i think i can do it.
i feel like i've grown a lot since i've been at college. i wonder if my other friends can see it. i feel like i don't see any of them enough that they'd be able to tell. haven't seen jenna since new year's.... probably won't see her again until thanksgiving if then. kathryn i see only in the summer, and this year my time with her was quite short. lisa i haven't seen since spring break, and that was only for a day and a half. these are my best friends who aren't from school. is it going to be like this with school friends when we all get out? i really hope not. probably it will, though.
i think that it's amazing how much i love my friends, and how little effort i put out to stay in touch with them. i don't know... i'm not all that good at communication, really. amazing for someone who talks as much as i do. the thing is that with communication through means other than face to face conversation, i feel that it takes a lot out of me. i find email and phone conversations extremely difficult with friends i'd rather see and talk to directly. i can't even figure out why it's so hard, but i know i feel the strain of it acutely.
the only people i don't find this problematic with are people whom i haven't met. i wonder if maybe it's because i'm not talking about too many serious issues with them. or maybe because if miscommunication occurs, i don't feel it's as critical since i don't know them as well. all i know is that when i'm speaking with jenna over im, i feel like there's room for mistake or condemnation, and i never feel like that when i'm with her.
there's so much missing when you don't have personal contact. it's going to be like that for every single one of my friends when i get out of school. oh my word. this is why i feel like people on the board aren't real friends yet. i'm missing enormous parts of who they are. when i spoke to genarti on the phone, i realized my previous impressions of her were rather a bit off. she's a lot more quiet than i was expecting. i think i show up mostly the same, but then i know that's not quite true, either, as i know that a genuine personality is hindered by lack of all expression.
well, that's not true. there is inflection in typing, but it's quite hard to tell if what you're writing is what others are reading (yes, that's true in speech, too, but i think less so.) plus there isn't much other than emphasis that you can convey. well, that and you have to hope you're talking to people who can pick up on sarcasm.
you know, usually sarcasm really does mean the opposite of your statement, but i've seen it used lately and it occurs to me that when one is bitter and uses sarcasm, it seems like there's a deeper feeling. there's a grain of truth to the seemingly denied statement. i was told once that sarcasm is a sign of anger, but i think it only is when used that particular way. usually my sarcasm is about events that couldn't really be resented anyhow. i use emotionless sarcasm as a tool of humour, not to let out any feeling. i'm not that convoluted. ooh, that's a lie, isnt' it?
in any case, my proclaiming "oh, because i do so love being up at eight am for written theory" certainly doesn't seem like any sort of anger or attack. if sarcasm were a sign of anger, then i'd be living in an angry society with furious friends. i think not. i think maybe there's a difference between positive and negative sarcasm.
if you make a neutral statement and use sarcasm to imply the opposite, then you're voicing a gripe. the original statement isn't harmful, and is just silly. yes, i *do* love written theory. rapturously. can we get up earlier? please?
on the other hand, i've seen negative statements used.... "well that was obviously well-planned." if you're being self deprecating, then i could excuse this, but i'd like to think i'd never say it to someone. it is an insult. after you come out with things like that saying you're joking doesn't help. heh, a lyric pops into my head again, predictably. "can't shake the devil's hand and say you're only kidding."
we could do with a lot less thoughtlessness and anger. i'm specifically upset about behaviour that one person on the board has exhibited lately. ok, so you're in a bad spot and you're depressed. deliberately exposing yourself to numerous others when you are angry (and today, after you had something to drink) is not acceptable. even if it was productive for him, it left at least six people with bad feelings over the past two days.
if you're angry then the place to be is not around innocent bystanders. when i know i can't control myself (this doesn't happen too often. around my mother is about the size of it.) i *leave.* anger solves nothing. if you want to throw anger, insults and abuse around, then go do it in your own head, or write it down. if you speak in anger, you will regret it if you ever learn to see.
i have a lot of standards. i don't think it's a bad thing, though. i almost live up to my own. *grin* i have a lot of respect for a lot of people, despite the fact that i do have things i say are unacceptable. i probably do those things on occasion myself. does that make me a hypocrite? no, it makes me a thoughtless fool, at times. it makes me regret my actions, certainly. i can forgive myself for these things, and i acknowledge that we all are fallible. so i must forgive everyone. if i could do it..
well, i'm doing all right, i think. i really don't think i make many snap judgments. it would be hard for me to do that considering how much i think about anything that matters at all to me.
i forgive everyone eventually, just give me some time off. i'm hoping i can avoid seeing this particular bruncher for a couple days, because i can't help him and he's slowly driving me mad. he's insulting of late, and he's doing things that make my head ache and my stomach roil.
it's so hard to deal with depression. i've learned a lot about it. i found it quite amusing at the time, since it was a checklist for me. *shrug* but i'm not really depressed. or not much at all, if anything. the thing is that i know that this guy is, and even if some of the things he's saying aren't true, the fact that he's saying them is a cry for help.
i cannot fix this. not on the bloody internet. at the same time, after some of the things he says, my immediate reaction (built in from classes) is that i can not leave him alone if he's feeling this way. the fact that i'm across the bloody country means i'm already automatically leaving him alone. i'm not equipped to deal with the situation, and i can't trust that he actually wants to deal with it himself, yet i'm inexorably dragged in since he claims to want me to listen.
you want to drive me mad?? i couldn't devise a better way myself!
if i were there, i know i could help. i've been in the sort of situation before without the learning i have now, and i was up to the task then. argh. driving me bonkers. i can't deal with it.
these sort of things make me feel like i could be a good teacher, actually. i just don't think i should be teaching music at any rate. every time we discussed teaching in my music ed courses i would see myself teaching in an english class when i considered implementing methods. oi. i think i can teach. i think i'd be a good teacher, since i have so much empathy. other people have said so, too.
i just don't know. there are a lot of strengths i have that would go well with the profession. i just think my huge weakness of lack of self confidence may undermine it all. if i can get over that, then i'll have nothing to worry about. if i could get over that, then i'd really be a fairly admirable person. i'm pretty straight in my head if i discount that minor detail that takes over all aspects of my being. =Þ
i'm so worried that i'm too self-absorbed. it's funny. i read through what i have just written, and i think i'm using "i" too much. bad writing. :) it's a bloody personal journal, how do you avoid it being about yourself?
i wonder if i really am self-centered. well, we all are to some extent, but i wonder if it's more so than most. i think maybe, but not out of ego. i think maybe because i'm so worried about what's wrong with me.
mom always said i was giving, and she never said i was self-centered. i wonder if that's only by comparison with debi, though. it's funny how much stock i put in my mother's opinions. only the old ones, though. now when she says things i know when she's being ridiculous, but i think i accepted her ideas blindly when i was younger, and at this point i have yet to re-evaluate them.
this is why i hate truth. for me, what she said is truth, because i accepted it blindly, but really it can't be. considering how often mom is just irrational i can't afford to assume that anything she ever said must have been right.
her latest edict of stupidity is that because debi has diabetes, she must completely avoid all carbohydrates. that isn't logic. it's unhealthy. why does she insist on this so firmly as if she has real knowledge of the situation? she has no medical knowledge. i've always believed mom because she presents herself as having so much authority, but really these ideas of hers seem baseless to me now.
i think with some frequency that i wish i could go back in time and grow up all over again, but this time using my current knowledge, thoughts, mindset, etc. well, i'd do excellently well in school, but more to the point, it would make a real difference in basic thought patterns. so many important things slip by without any notice because you don't realize their true meaning. if i had any chance to argue what i was told i was from the age of six or seven, rather than blindly accept....
i feel as though it's too hard for me to undo the damage myself at this point. i'm relatively whole, but i think my foundation is still creaking a bit. maybe it'll eventually crumble leaving what was above it as a replacement. interesting extension of analogy.
i hate extensions of analogy, though. they escape logic. like when people say "life is like a box of chocolate," and then go on to say things like "and i want to eat the creme center first!" analogies are dangerous because they aren't truth. or anything close. it's just another tool people use without considering meaning. yes, i'm back here again. people don't think. darn it all, a little forethought would prevent most of life's problems.
well, i'm right there with everyone else, speeding ahead too quickly. the whole country is obsessed with fast paced life and moving forward speedily. this is something my mom advocated highly. "action!" she says. i'm with dad. he's more in favour of considering consequence before acting. maybe this means he doesn't take action at all at some points, but i think that's preferable to doing stupid things, as i feel my mother is wont to do.
so anyhow, all i need now is to get out of the rush hour traffic. i'm swearing off long island and its attitudes, and i'm going to settle somewhere more calm. i'll think all i want and i'll be considerate, and i'll get along just bloody fine with my own ideas. mom can just step back and let me live my life, because at this point i'm competent enough to handle myself, thank you. if she actually holds with that, then i expect relations will improve drastically. :) on va voir. yes, well i've rambled more than i thought possible. goes to show that i *shouldn't* get an early start--it's dangerous. =Þ good night.
posted by barbara at 1:29 AM